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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister in law seems to dislike me?!

45 replies

Mummyxo18 · 16/11/2019 23:58

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 6years, married for 2 and we have a wonderful daughter. He was married before and has a daughter with his ex wife who is friends with his sister.
My only problem with this is that my SIL has never really tried to have a relationship with me, I would also see things being indirectly said on Facebook about me between SIL and ex wife. My husbands family never attended our wedding and my SIL has met her niece once in a year but has visits with my step daughter and regular contact. She has just had a baby of her own and has asked we meet her son. But I just don’t feel comfortable seeing that she classes the ex wife as her SIL and is calling her auntie to her son?
Am I wrong to feel weird about this?

OP posts:
saraclara · 17/11/2019 00:02

It might feel weird to you, but she's entirely entitled to continue the friendship that she had with your DH's ex when they were still together.

And of course you should meet her son.

saraclara · 17/11/2019 00:03

What sort of things do they say about you on FB though?

RamblingEm · 17/11/2019 00:06

I can understand being hurt by that. I think she’s entitled to hold the relationship ship she was with her exSIL close and maintain the auntie-bond if she so chooses BUT it reads as if they’re not happy you’re his wife now so to dislike you and keep you at a distance is also unfair. I think as she’s invited you to see her son and said she wants you to, maybe take the chance to try and create a relationship? Have you tried to be involved or do they flat out make it impossible? Must be difficult for you especially as she has only met your daughter once in a year. People suck.

RamblingEm · 17/11/2019 00:06

Relationship she has with her exSIL*

Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 00:09

I don’t have a problem that they are friends. They knew each other before I came along so I understand that. It’s the fact that they have both openly mocked me or been rude about me where I have been able to see it.
I was 22 when I met his sister who was 28 at the time and she just never took to me for some reason😩she would openly ignore me and at time wouldn’t even acknowledge me. The last time I saw her she acted as if I wasn’t there. I congratulated her on her birth and said we can arrange when to meet as soon as she feels able too. But it’s the niggling thought that deep down she doesn’t see me anything that upsets me.
It might seem strange to people that this is upsetting or even weird but our yourself in the shoes of someone who wants to be accepted but has been rejected. And has no idea why and also has the ex sticking the knife in where she can.

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Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 00:13

Just things like the ex saying “will never be better than me” and laughing at the fact my husbands family didn’t come to our wedding. The ex is getting remarried and they joke that at least she’ll be a bridesmaid to that wedding. I just feel a bit shit by it all😂🥴

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frazzledasarock · 17/11/2019 00:14

I’d be busy and would put in the same effort she does for you.

Don’t be rude or anything, it’s vague and unavailable.

Why would she want you to see her son anyway if she doesn’t like you and is openly hostile about you?

Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 00:17

I’ve tried to since my daughter was born have a relationship but it went downhill. My SIL chose to drive straight past our road to spend the afternoon with my husbands ex and my step daughter. She never brought anything for my daughters first birthday, it doesn’t matter but not even a card or arranging to see her. But takes my step daughter out to cinema and brought her presents and what not for her birthday.

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Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 00:19

I have no idea why she’d want me to see her bubby...might be more for my husbands benefit. Who knows

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saraclara · 17/11/2019 00:20

Why didn't your DH's family come to your wedding?

Mrsmummy90 · 17/11/2019 00:23

In all honesty, it sounds as though they're being petty and have picked a side and are sticking to it.

As long as you keep your head held high and remain polite and civil, they'll soon run out of things to bitch about.
I wouldn't even bother trying to fix it. Just let them get on with their lives and focus on the people who you love.

I'm really sorry they're such horrible cows to you though. Xx

Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 00:28

My husbands father is Muslim (my husband isn’t, half Irish mother) and when we booked our wedding it fell on Ramadan. We would’ve changed the date but we had already done this because my step daughter was going away. My father in law caused a massive argument and basically the rest of the family refused to go. Even though we tried to accommodate the fact he would be fasting.
Myself and my family took it as an insult towards me. But I can’t hold a grudge forever and I do get on with my in laws...just don’t have a relationship with SIL.

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Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 00:31

I try my best to be polite about it all. Too nice for my own good sometimes!
I feel more for my little girl though, growing up and not having much of a relationship with her aunt but seeing her sister be close with her. People don’t tend to think about it that way.xx

OP posts:
elmosducks · 17/11/2019 00:33

Just suck it up for the moment, she has just had a baby and you will come out looking like a bad person.
But, don't try to be her friend.

I know it hurts but it is what it is. Just don't give them any ammunition.

Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 00:36

Yea, I feel like I have been the bigger person by actually congratulating her and making sure she’s ok...which is something I didn’t get out of her.
I don’t want to crawl up her bum but just a bit of acknowledgment sometimes would be nice.

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Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 00:37

And by acknowledgement I mean more towards my daughter. It’s not her fault and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like she doesn’t exist.

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elmosducks · 17/11/2019 00:40

And I do feel that it was very insensitive, arranging the wedding during Ramadan. I would have rearranged immediately. I have friends who fast during this period and it's hard going for day to day stuff, let alone attend your sons wedding.

GrumpyHoonMain · 17/11/2019 00:40

Sounds like there’s more to their dislike than the wedding (and it was likely the final straw). How soon after the break up with the ex did you guys meet? Could they think you’re the OW? Or are you much younger than him?

I personally don’t think they need to like you or spend time with you, but leaving your dd out seems a bit harsh, unless she’s too young to be without you and that’s why?

Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 00:45

I do understand that regarding Ramadan but we had people who were fasting attend and they were mortified that they refused to go. We literally had a wedding in a registry office and was having dinner in the evening. So it wasn’t like most weddings where it was all day type of thing. We tried to make my father in law comfortable as possible and do everything to make it easier and he refused to go. My poor father however was diagonals with cancer 4 months before our wedding, had surgery before it and still walked me down the aisle.

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Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 00:48

My husband split from his ex 8 months before we met. She had already moved on in that time. I’m 8 years younger than him. It’s not his parents who dislike me (apart from the wedding) but just his sister. His parents have always said their son has been much happier since meeting me and that the ex was a manipulative cow bag who would always provoke my husband.
And with how she’s been towards me I can see why. I never had a problem with her - but that’s awhile other story!

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Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 00:49

*diagnosed with cancer

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frazzledasarock · 17/11/2019 00:54

I think the Ramadan wedding is a red herring. Your DH should have known and not held his own wedding during Ramadan if it mattered that much. You’re not Muslim, how were you to know it was Ramadan?

The sister just sounds unpleasant.

I’d be politely vague about going to visit her. And reciprocate exactly as she does for you and your DD

Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 01:00

Exactly my point with Ramadan. I didn’t know it was at that time and didn’t know it changed dates each year either. I picked the date and we had to change it before I knew due to my husbands daughter not being able to come. And then we was told if we tried to change again we’d be charge a cancellation and would have to then pay for another date on top of that. And considering we paid for everything ourselves (apart from my dress) I do think my father in law could have made an attempted seeing as he was the only person who had a problem with it. My family were aboard another time and I didn’t want a winter wedding. We only had our families and closest friends invited so for my husband whole family to refuse because of one person who we had tried to accommodate the best we could is a bit harsh. Especially when my dads literally just walked out of hospital and was having chemo...

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PurpleFrames · 17/11/2019 01:02

Don't let the Ramadan be an issue for you. I work, cook and do everything I'd normally do while fasting. Attending a wedding is just the same and intact I'd find it beautiful to see love be cemented so while fasting (which I see as an act of love for my faith).

Original poster
Mummyxo18 · 17/11/2019 01:04

As for my SIL I’m being polite and I’m torn between just sucking it up and going to meet her son because again not his fault and I’d only be as bad as her. But also feeling why should I. I probably sound so horrible😂I’ll just go be polite but inside I’m dying.

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