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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh in his own happy world

42 replies

Flossie44 · 16/11/2019 21:14

Tell me if I’m unreasonable....

I have 3 children, but two living at home. One has severe, critical health needs. I spend my day caring for her, and maintaining her airways basically. It’s really stressful. I miss working but have to care for dd.
Dh goes to work. Comes home, showers, I serve dinner. He then lie straight on to the sofa and falls asleep.
On the weekends, he plays golf one day, and goes mountain biking the other day. He then, again, sleeps on the sofa in the evenings.

I feel SOOOOOOO lonely. I long for evenings together, watching a film. Chatting while watching tv etc. But instead I’m sat alone while he snores.
I’ve mentioned this to him. I’ve tried to explain. But he says he’s tired so is happy to doze on the sofa. I can see that. And I feel bad for bringing it up. But I feel soo useless and worthless. Surely if he was in the throes of first romance, he wouldn’t do this?! He constantly says he loves me which is lovely BUT I just want to be shown!!

Am I being a diva?? Am I asking too much??

OP posts:
hopelesssuitcase · 16/11/2019 21:16

When does he spend time with the children?

Original poster
Flossie44 · 16/11/2019 21:17

In passing!

OP posts:
RedLipstickHighHeels · 16/11/2019 21:22

Firstly I’m acknowledging your caring responsibilities as a parent of sick child
You seem to bear the brunt of the emotional responsibilities and physical tasks
Does the GP know you’re a carer, have you had a care act assessment?
Your dh seems to have 2 well maintained hobbies,golf & cycling and time to doze
Does he genuinely grasp what you do?
Is he scared to be hands on?does he lack confidence?
It’s nice he says he loves you but you need actions and practical support

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/11/2019 21:25

You seemingly get nothing out of this relationship now. Words are cheap OP and he is trying to buy you off with those.

When is this person ever at home with you and his family?. Hardly ever by the sounds of it. What is the point of he being there at all?.

What outside help and support, if any, do you receive?. Do you receive respite care?. It sounds like you're almost at breaking point here due to an overall lack of support from both your husband and outside the home.

VictoriaBun · 16/11/2019 21:29

Does he know how to care for his dd ?
More to the point, does he do his share ?
Could you go out on a Saturday , knowing all would be well when you got home ?
Because I think you should go out .
You need time out, and he should step up.

RedLipstickHighHeels · 16/11/2019 21:33

Im in no way excusing his emotional & practical absence but is it a coping strategy
Has He fully processed the impact of parenting a v sick child is he distant as a protective factor?
Or alternatively he’s not fully engaged and has absolved himself of emotional & practical support

Original poster
Flossie44 · 16/11/2019 21:33

We are due to get respite support but it’s complex and still not going through due to the complexity of care needed apparently. Each week we have nurses come in but their competencies still haven’t been signed off.
Yet I still have to care..despite doing it alone!!
Dh works long hours during the week. Has hobbies on the weekend, and sleeps on sofa when home.
I have no input. I feel unreasonable asking him or pulling him up on it. He says I’m unfair and I ruin the evening because I get upset that yet again he sleeps while I sit alone.

I just feel so alone and taken for granted.

It’s Saturday night. I planned a lovely
Evening. He’s been out on his bike all day. I got the children to bed and planned a nice evening, bottle of wine etc. And he’s asleep!! I woke him asking why couldn’t he stay awake for me but he snapped.

Surely if this was a first date..he’d stay awake?!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/11/2019 21:36

Seems like he needs to keep one day a week free to spend with you and the DC...

Andromache77 · 16/11/2019 22:03

To me it sounds like he is quite happy to avoid you. After all, working and going out for his hobbies is far easier than facing the reality of having a very ill child or, God forbid, sharing her care. This way he gets to feel like he's a good father and husband, as he provides for his family, while not actually being involved or having to deal with the situation. Why would he engage with you? Why would he listen to you, if all you do is remind him that he's actually not doing well at all? Nah, sleeping and exercising out of the house are far better ways to spend his precious free time. He gets to ignore the problems and he enjoys himself in the process. What's not to like?

Of course I've never met your husband but if this is the way he chooses to address the problem (avoiding it completely) then it's unlikely that he will change. After all, he's happy and his daughter is well cared for without him having to lift a finger. You should ask yourself if you are happy to continue in this situation and if not, then take action, because if he's happy like this, why would he change a thing?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 16/11/2019 22:09

He shouldn't be that knackered after a round of golf.
Doctors don't even consider golf to be "exercise" from a fitness point of view

Thornhill58 · 16/11/2019 22:22

He clearly has time for a hobby. Do you have time for a hobby or to sleep? When do you relax?

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 16/11/2019 22:24

He's a waste of space. He's got you exactly where he wants you. You run the house look after the kids and he does what he wants. When's your two days a week to do your expensive and time consuming hobbies?

Krazynights34 · 16/11/2019 22:52

I’m so sorry to hear this. I have a severely disabled daughter (thankfully she’s improving massively with time) and I had to do all of the care and worry when she couldn’t breathe and swallow properly, all day, every day.
I know how hard it is to get people to be able to help at all (I mean caring services) and my husband did similar things- suddenly had a fitness obsession, a new career etc. It created massive resentment that I’m working out of.
I’m not sure you’ll find any of this helpful but I’ve just started fighting back. I’m trying to make my own space and I find doing that gets me a little more respect from him.
So... just trying to be helpful and thinking of things... Is there a local hospice that could help? (I’m just starting to use mine). Local special needs meet ups or nurseries (again just starting with one)?
Have you tried Homestart (who could do housework for a bit so you don’t have to do that on top of the caring?).
If your DH won’t get involved what would you want to do? The sleeping in the evening suggests (to me) disrespect and he need to do his fair share.
What would happen if you said I’m off out tonight- look after the children?

Original poster
Flossie44 · 17/11/2019 22:05

krazynights34 thank you. How did you cope when your daughter had struggles swallowing etc??
We are struggling with our carers. They can’t sign competencies in order to have sole care. We’ve been offered respite at the hospice but this seems such a major step. Such a ‘next level’. Dh is refusing point blank. I’m open to it although am finding it hard to accept.

As I’ve said...for me it’s about respect and love. I want to feel wanted and special. Caring aside. I want to feel sexy and a person in my own right. Yet he seems to put me last after his hobbies, and sleeping in the chair. I guess I’m feeling like a maid

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/11/2019 23:36

Flossie if he is refusing the only respite option open to you at the moment then he can take a week of work and his hobbies so you can go away for a week somewhere and get a proper break.

He is definitely using his hobbies and job to opt out of supporting you SadAngry

memaymamo · 18/11/2019 01:35

I don't understand how these conversations go. He has two hobbies just for himself, you have none and are a full time carer. I just don't get how anyone in their right mind can think that's fair or okay. How does he justify it when you discuss it?

I don't think it's reasonable to compare his feelings to how he felt on a first date. That's not really ever going to happen years into a long term relationship. But you still need to sort out this horrific imbalance of work and leisure time between the two of you.

Ohyesiam · 18/11/2019 01:49

He needs to spend A few weekends with no hobby do he is not too tired to interact.
How does he justify both hobbies even you have no down time?
He’s basically checked out of the marriage.

MyMajesty · 18/11/2019 01:59

He's refused point blank?
What is it to do with him - the guy who has his own comfy life and ignores his wife and children?
What other suggestion does he have for you getting some respite?

If you need hospice respite care, then ignore him and arrange to have that care.

It's clear he gives no consideration at all to you. Talking to him about it hasn't worked so you need to take control enough to arrange the care so that you are not completely stressed.

MiniMum97 · 18/11/2019 02:04

He sounds horrible.

  1. When are you getting your day off to do what you want on your own without he stresses if looking after your children
  1. Why are you cooking dinner every night (and presumably every else as he is asleep)
  1. Why is it he not spending any tome with his family?
  1. Why on earth do you feel unreasonable bringing it up. I would be fucking fuming. And so you should be.

Bring it up until he listens. Or tell him to leave.

He is treating you like hired help.

Iamallatsea · 18/11/2019 02:08

@Krazynights34 just wanted to point out Homestart volunteers are not there to do your housework. You shouldn’t suggest that as an option.

NewNameForMeNewNameForMe · 18/11/2019 02:14

He should not be partaking in hobbies over the weekend. He should be completely sharing the load with you 50/50 so you both get a break. You'd be better off without him. I had a husband like him. Thank goodness he is some other poor cows problem now.

RhinoskinhaveI · 18/11/2019 02:17

As far as he's concerned you are merely a housekeeper

Topseyt · 18/11/2019 02:27

He sounds like a self absorbed arse.

He is refusing hospice care for your DD but isn't himself willing to chip in so that you can get some down time.??? Organise the hospice care yourself and ignore any protests from him. He doesn't help to care for her and does nothing around the house other than fall asleep, so he has no right to object if you need to use the respite care that has been offered.

BeanBag7 · 18/11/2019 02:50

We’ve been offered respite at the hospice ... Dh is refusing point blank.

It's easy for him to refuse, he doesn't actually need respite because he doesn't do the care does he? He gets plenty of time to himself every weekend. You need time for yourself too - I would definitely arrange the respite care if you can.

Also talk to him about cutting down his hobbies - each one once per fortnight rather than every week is a reasonable starting point.

Finally I would suggest he sees a doctor about his tiredness. A healthy adult shouldn't be so tired he falls asleep right after dinner every night.

Krazynights34 · 18/11/2019 08:19

Iamallatsea - that’s what they suggested to me when they came to help me. Perhaps that wasn’t what they are meant to do but that’s exactly what they said.
OP - whether I am tight or not about what support Homestart can offer they may have some suggestions for you.
Re the hospice - my local one does a lot of activities so there is room for the cater to go somewhere for a coffee, events ( obviously with the child) so it’s not just straight into respite - and I haven’t got close to considering respite myself.
Dies your DH do anything with you and the DC? Is he invoked in your DD’s care?
I’ve never managed to get carers go help. I’ve tried the council and looked into nannies but wouldn’t have been happy As the training would be the block.
Have you got a good community nurse who you could talk with? They can do training sometimes (at least for the level of care my daughter would need)...