Dh in his own happy world

[Flossie44]

Tell me if I’m unreasonable....

I have 3 children, but two living at home. One has severe, critical health needs. I spend my day caring for her, and maintaining her airways basically. It’s really stressful. I miss working but have to care for dd.
Dh goes to work. Comes home, showers, I serve dinner. He then lie straight on to the sofa and falls asleep.
On the weekends, he plays golf one day, and goes mountain biking the other day. He then, again, sleeps on the sofa in the evenings.

I feel SOOOOOOO lonely. I long for evenings together, watching a film. Chatting while watching tv etc. But instead I’m sat alone while he snores.
I’ve mentioned this to him. I’ve tried to explain. But he says he’s tired so is happy to doze on the sofa. I can see that. And I feel bad for bringing it up. But I feel soo useless and worthless. Surely if he was in the throes of first romance, he wouldn’t do this?! He constantly says he loves me which is lovely BUT I just want to be shown!!

Am I being a diva?? Am I asking too much??

Sorry for typos- trying to reply while getting DD ready.

My husband was like this then he left and blamed me for not involving him with things etc. If you want to stay married you need to sort out time alone together. Also one or 2 nights a week go out to a friends or gym etc and leave him with the kids

You deserve to be with someone who wants to spend time together & also so you can have some time for yourself! This sounds like a lonely existence. It’s not right he gets to take off both days every weekend when he has a partner & family. I don’t advise begging but you need to have an honest conversation about what kind of relationship this is, where he feels he has the right to pick & choose what aspects of a relationship he likes - usually cooking / cleaning / life admin.

How much of his chores would he have to pick up if he were not living with you ? He must not do much if he sleeps during the week & does activities on the weekend! No wonder he has the energy, he gets all his rest mid-week then takes off sat+sun !

OP he should be your biggest supporter and the rock you rely on.I am so sorry but it sounds like he has checked out of the marriage.He is avoiding you and your children and sleeping like that is just a way of tuning out.I am sorry really I am.

Dh is refusing point blank. I’m open to it although am finding it hard to accept.

Fuck him. Seriously, you are the one doing all the care so it's YOUR choice.

I also agree with the others he has checked out of the marriage and family life.

On what grounds is he refusing this hospice respite care for his daughter?. He is not doing any of the caring here and uses this house primarily to sleep in. I also think he has checked out emotionally and physically from this marriage.

You've probably had to wait quite some time for the offer of respite care to transpire as well. You're her primary carer here, not him either. Sod him and continue to act in your DDs best interests here.

Hello OP, you sound like a good person. DP does not sound even involved in his own family life. It may be impossible - but could you just go out and leave DP with the caring role once or twice a week. As I am typing this - I think it unlikely. Anyway, my very best wishes to you OP and I hope that you find your way to a grand life for yourself and your children.

Surely if this was a first date..he’d stay awake?!

If this was a first date you wouldn't have children to look after either but it's not a first date and you can't expect it to be. This is real life and you need to get him engaged with it.

Been out on his bike all day then comes home to a nice meal and again ignores you? What are you getting out of this?

"You need to get him engaged with it" she is trying! I agree about it is not a first date but OP is making an effort, it is him who has checked out.

Also why does he get a say in refusing respite care? You are the one doing all the caring. That is outrageous. If you separated would he have this control over you?

He has checked out, he is living his life and leaving all the responsibility to you, it is grossly unfair.

1. He needs to give up one day at the weekend so that you can have a break for the day and enjoy a hobby/seeing friends etc. It is totally unfair that is taking both days off at the weekend. Every other week he should be arranging dinner for you at the weekend (not always you!)

2. Discuss the hospice again, it is not fair for him to refuse when you are doing all of the work!!!

3. You need to assert yourself much more strongly, your needs/life are just as important as his.

At the moment you are the unpaid cleaner and carer, and he does not give a damn about you.
Start going out with friends, having fun and taking up hobbies or sports. Your life sounds entirely joyless. Use the respite care to have longer breaks and change the weekends so he is around to care for his child as well.

Discuss the hospice again

Don't bother discussing it.
Decide if it's what you need and, if so, inform him it'll be happening.

YANBU.

It is not reasonable for you to work/ be on call for a sick child 24 hours a day every day, while your husband works a 40 (?) hour week, plays out on his bike, and sleeps on the sofa.

He has completely checked out of family life.

Agree with previous posters that you should organise respite care for your child if you think it's best for your child and for your wellbeing. You have to start to look after your own health and wellbeing in order to care for your children.

And also agree with @MyMajesty about this being your decision. Your husband doesn't get to refuse when he has zero input. Without wishing to sound brutal, your husband seems to be so dissociated from family life that I wonder whether he'd even notice how much respite care your child had.

You both need a break. Luckily a weekend has two days in it - one for him and one for you.

Looking after his children by himself for a day a week would also give him a much better understanding of what you do day-in, day-out.

“It is not reasonable for you to work/ be on call for a sick child 24 hours a day every day, while your husband works a 40 (?) hour week, plays out on his bike, and sleeps on the sofa.

He has completely checked out of family life.

Agree with previous posters that you should organise respite care for your child if you think it's best for your child and for your wellbeing. You have to start to look after your own health and wellbeing in order to care for your children.”

This (and many other similar posts).

OP - you sound very kind and totally ground down by your OH’s utterly uncaring and selfish behaviour. Please find some of the anger that so many of us are feeling when we read your account of your home life. Frankly I’m impressed you still want romantic attention from him - if my OH was behaving like this, I’d want to punch him on the nose. Your OH needs to get off his bike/put down his golf clubs and start parenting. What on earth is going on with him that he thinks it’s okay to absent himself from family life in this manner? Does he want a relationship with his children? And how do they feel watching him swan off on his bike/with his golf clubs and leave you all behind? If he’s taught you that you’re a diva for asking him to participate in family life then I suspect there’s emotional abuse going on as well (indeed, I’d say his permanent absence is abusive). And he doesn’t get a say re the respite care - he gets told. It’s a necessity not a luxury (unlike cycling and golf, btw).