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Original poster

Don't know what to think

30 replies

HomeAlone · 16/11/2019 19:00

Hello. I'm new here but have been lurking for a few months. Would like everyones opinion please.

Have been with partner almost 8 years. Both early 30's, I have a 10yr old and we have a 5yr old together. Mortgage is his as I have only recently started working. Before Christmas 2018 (not sure exactly how long before) I noticed him withdrawing almost all affection towards me. I asked him about it a few times but he would deny it until 1 day in April i sent him a long text explaining how I knew something was wrong due to lack of affection and he replied with something like 'yes talk about it later' (he was at work) cue me phoning him frantically asking him what it was, did he not love me, fancy me anymore which he replied no he didn't. I was heartbroken and actually couldn't believe it, wasn't expecting something that bad. We spoke when he got home and he said he hadn't meant agreeing to me asking if he didn't love me anymore etc his head was all over the place and he didn't realise what he was doing. He told me he had not felt good since before Christmas due to me moaning about his lack of picking up after himself and leaving all household stuff to me etc also other things like making him feel guilty for going out "i wore him down over time". I admit i did do these things and whilst I know it was wrong and I don't mean to make excuses my reason for this is I think I just got myself stuck in a rut of being a sahm and feeling like my sole purpose in life was being everyones slave also i resented him going out as he never went out with me (childish i know) since then i have stopped completely doing these things but we have been arguing every few weeks and the affection has not returned. He shows me so little affection i actually remember every little bit he does show. The most he shows me is he will usually say love you at the end of a phonecall but i think this may just be habit, occasionally in bed at night he will put his hand above covers on my leg for a minute. He doesn't like to talk about the relationship and says he does love and want to be with me but doesnt want to argue (he seems to see even conversations about feelings etc as argueing) he just wants to get on with it which i understand but i find it hard as he shows me so little affection i feel insecure and like im waiting on him saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I will periodically ask him if we're ok etc which just seem to anger or irritate him and make me feel pathetic.

Sorry for the massive speal if anyone made it through that. I don't know what to do. I want to wait and see if things get better but on the other hand i feel like shit mostly all the time i don't know if i can. He claims he feels 'weird' for a long time after we argue which is his reason for lack of affection but we haven't argued in 3 weeks now.

What is your honest opinion on this situation? Thanks

OP posts:
12345kbm · 16/11/2019 19:12

Due to the lack of paragraphs, this is very hard to understand.

From what I can gather, he withdrew from you around this time last year. When you asked about it, he said it's because you're asking him to clear up after himself as a competent, fully functioning adult. You also don't like him going out and leaving you at home with children, never giving you equal free time.

He has now punished you by completely withdrawing from you. He doesn't want to discuss how to work this out or how to compromise. He just wants you to stop 'nagging' him and expecting 'things' from him. He wants you to look after his kids and not make any demands on him.

I'm not sure where you go from here OP. What do you think you should do?

Lorddenning1 · 16/11/2019 19:17

The key to a healthy relationship in communication and your both not doing this at the moment. To me it seems like you both have issues and maybe he is afraid to confront the problems in your relationship and instead is burying his head in the sand, as he doesn't want to confront what is going on in his head. He is depressed?

tobedtoMNandfart · 16/11/2019 19:18

Hmm I read it slightly differently @12345kbm
Sorry to say thus but you come across as very needy. Seriously you rang him at work to pester him as to whether he really loves you (or similar). Jesus Christ it sounds like he said anything to get you off the phone.
I think you need to get some therapy, work on your self esteem then decide whether you think the relationship is working.
Because at the moment you are driving him away.

Krazynights34 · 16/11/2019 19:21

Let me be the first to say that he sounds cruel, manipulative and abusive.
Sorry to ask the intrusive questions -have you stopped having sex? Do you kiss? Cuddle?
What does he do for you?
Seriously, if this were me, I’d be planning to leave.

tobedtoMNandfart · 16/11/2019 19:22

Based on what?

Original poster
HomeAlone · 16/11/2019 19:52

Thanks you for the replies.

Sorry about the lack of paragraphs.

We do still have sex sometimes but it's mostly me who instigates. He never cuddles me. Will very rarely peck me on the lips when going to bed. Doesn't touch me in any other way. He used to grab my boobs and bum etc but suppose the affection he did give was mostly related to sex. He has never been big on talking about feelings etc but i didn't feel the need to talk about our feelings then as I knew how he felt about me from how he acted with me.

He is good with the kids, will put them to bed, pick up drop off to clubs etc.

Would also like to add. It's not that I resented every night out he had it was more the nights out that were what I felt excessive (i know not everyone will agree) e.g away football matches, he will go out 10am and be drinking all this time on the bus etc come back, go to pub to drink more, come home 2 or 4am then be in bed all next day so i feel this is a bit selfish but am aware ppl will disagree.

We get on fine apart from this as in we speak normally and i feel he is considerate of me in other ways like he will ask if i need anything from shops on way home from work etc. He will speak to me about problems at work. He will text me everyday aswell to ask if i got kids out ok, how work is etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
HomeAlone · 16/11/2019 20:10

Also I have told him a few times how his lack of affection makes me feel unloved and unwanted but he either denies it or says it's just how he feels (awkward). And he can't force himself.

This hurts me as I have taken on board the problems he had with me and I felt awful and changed my ways as i love him.and didn't want him to feel bad but he can't give me a cuddle or kiss or pay me a compliment occasionally even though he knows how all this has me feeling the lowest i ever have.

It's like he wants me to just go on and be confident and happy and the perfect partner without him putting anything into the relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
HomeAlone · 17/11/2019 14:50

Can anyone else tell me what they think of this situation? Am i overthinking? I don't know what I should do...

OP posts:
user1471449295 · 17/11/2019 15:00

I think he’s just not interested anymore, but probably feels unable to end the relationship.

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2019 15:33

I'm inclined to agree with the first reply you got.

It sounds like he is punishing you for expecting him to meet your needs. Sure he can meet your 'wants' from time to time. Though, not often. Just enough to throw you a bone and provided it doesn't inconvenience him. But your needs? Sod them. How dare you want affection? Warmth? And Reassurance? from your partner.... ... :/

Have you ever considered - that he just isn't a nice person. That he, doesn't really like you. That he only really cares about himself. Because it sounds like that's pretty much what's what.

Musti · 17/11/2019 15:42

He should pick up after himself and he should take you out and he should show you love and affection. Tell him that for a relationship to work there has to be love and respect and you have to work as a team. Otherwise you can split, you go back to work and split parenting and he can pick after himself and child when it is his turn to have your child and go out when you have your child.

Honestly, it is only worth being in a relationship if it is good.

Graphista · 17/11/2019 15:42

He sounds a selfish dick!

He SHOULD be cleaning up after himself, NOT leaving all household stuff to you, ensuring you are able to have free time too.

He is training you to behave how he wants and he doesn't even sound all that into you!

I'd be sitting him down for a "serious talk" possibly in a neutral place away from kids and saying that these are NOT unreasonable expectations within a relationship (that he doesn't leave a mess, pulls his weight at home and doesn't withhold physical affection)

I'd also suggest you both read

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

And that you get yourself some assertiveness training.

Graphista · 17/11/2019 15:43

And if he doesn't shape up ship him out!!

Original poster
HomeAlone · 17/11/2019 15:50

He says he does love me but he feels 'weird' some days he feels in love others not. He says he feels like we are ruined and won't get back to how we were before this all happened

OP posts:
Musti · 17/11/2019 15:51

Whether or not he feels love, that has nothing to do with pulling his weight. Plus he started blaming his change of feelings on you being upset that he behaves like a single man with no responsibilities and expecting you to do everything.

He's full of shit op. He's a lazy manchild.

Graphista · 17/11/2019 16:48

He's full of shit op. He's a lazy manchild.

Summarises it perfectly!

Windmillwhirl · 17/11/2019 17:08

Hang on a minute, he has withdrawn affection and doesn't want to go out with you. That's not acceptable in a relationship. You need to stop flogging a dead horse.

I'm not surprised you became needy.

It's time to talk to him. I know that's scary, but no point prolonging the inevitable if he is not prepared to do anything to work on your relationship.

He may not want to leave and be perceived as the bad guy

msflibble · 17/11/2019 17:29

He told me he had not felt good since before Christmas due to me moaning about his lack of picking up after himself and leaving all household stuff to me etc also other things like making him feel guilty for going out "i wore him down over time". I admit i did do these things and whilst I know it was wrong and I don't mean to make excuses my reason for this is I think I just got myself stuck in a rut of being a sahm and feeling like my sole purpose in life was being everyones slave also i resented him going out as he never went out with me (childish i know)

OP has this man tricked you into thinking it is unreasonable of you to expect your man to not treat you like a housemaid or fuck off out of the house with you sat at home as the unpaid babysitter all the time?

Being a SAHM is a thankless fucking task and worst of all everybody treats you as if you "don't work", and therefore tidying up after your OH is taken for granted. Make no mistake, it's unwaged labour, and his response to your "moaning" should have been to sort out his lazy, entitled behaviour, not sulk and make himself into the victim.

Honestly he sounds like a prick. Don't accept his DARVO bullshit. Even if he says he has changed his mind, is this the relationship you actually want? Do you want to be with a man who makes you feel guilty for asking him to pull his weight, or who doesn't show you any affection?

I know leaving when there are kids involved isn't easy, so if you decide to keep him, stand up for yourself. Don't take this shit. Don't let him make you doubt yourself. You are not a slave. And he is not a child.

All the best.

Original poster
HomeAlone · 17/11/2019 19:04

Thank you so much for the replies.

I guess I am clutching at straws as I gave up my housing association house about 1 1/2 year in as he was buying a house and wanted me to move in and for us to have a baby.

The mortgage is in his name so is the car so i will be left with nothing and 2 kids to look after whilst he goes back to his old single carefree life as always seems to happen.

He was never like this before, he used to be crazy about me and I don't know what went wrong. Think he just takes me for granted now as we've been together so long. I wish we could go back but I don't know how :(

OP posts:
RedRec · 17/11/2019 19:14

He has checked out of this relationship and is letting you down at his own pace.

Cambionome · 17/11/2019 19:21

OMG - he is punishing you for expecting him to behave like a normal functioning adult and pick up after himself!

Bin him off. Angry

Fizzysours · 17/11/2019 19:46

I think you should stop worrying about what you might have done wrong and focus more on what he has not been doing for you all these years. Just what does he bring to your life? Does he try to make you laugh, make you feel good? He sounds a right misery tbh...

Original poster
HomeAlone · 17/11/2019 19:57

No he doesn't try to make me laugh or make me feel good. Never compliments me even though I brought this up the same time about no affection.

It's so sad as he used to really love me and he showed it. I wish I was strong ebough to just tell him to f**k off tbh but i would be skint and homeless.

He's emotionally stunted as he says whenever we talk about problems he feels terrible the next day :s this makes no sense to me, how can trying to talk through problems make things worse!?!

He says some days he feels good and like we will work out but others he feels weird and like we wont but has no reason behind why up and down from 1 day to the next.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 17/11/2019 20:09

I’d get a job asap - you’re in a vulnerable position with the mortgage in his name only...

Fizzysours · 17/11/2019 20:11

Well he sounds rubbish to be honest. Being a SAHM is bloody hard work...all of us who have done that know this. He should come home and try to make you happy...be company... however hard it is on your own YOU DESERVE BETTER ... a partner should be a friend first and foremost. If he was a misery with his football mates like he is with you, they would ditch him.

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