Don't know what to think

[HomeAlone]

Hello. I'm new here but have been lurking for a few months. Would like everyones opinion please.

Have been with partner almost 8 years. Both early 30's, I have a 10yr old and we have a 5yr old together. Mortgage is his as I have only recently started working. Before Christmas 2018 (not sure exactly how long before) I noticed him withdrawing almost all affection towards me. I asked him about it a few times but he would deny it until 1 day in April i sent him a long text explaining how I knew something was wrong due to lack of affection and he replied with something like 'yes talk about it later' (he was at work) cue me phoning him frantically asking him what it was, did he not love me, fancy me anymore which he replied no he didn't. I was heartbroken and actually couldn't believe it, wasn't expecting something that bad. We spoke when he got home and he said he hadn't meant agreeing to me asking if he didn't love me anymore etc his head was all over the place and he didn't realise what he was doing. He told me he had not felt good since before Christmas due to me moaning about his lack of picking up after himself and leaving all household stuff to me etc also other things like making him feel guilty for going out "i wore him down over time". I admit i did do these things and whilst I know it was wrong and I don't mean to make excuses my reason for this is I think I just got myself stuck in a rut of being a sahm and feeling like my sole purpose in life was being everyones slave also i resented him going out as he never went out with me (childish i know) since then i have stopped completely doing these things but we have been arguing every few weeks and the affection has not returned. He shows me so little affection i actually remember every little bit he does show. The most he shows me is he will usually say love you at the end of a phonecall but i think this may just be habit, occasionally in bed at night he will put his hand above covers on my leg for a minute. He doesn't like to talk about the relationship and says he does love and want to be with me but doesnt want to argue (he seems to see even conversations about feelings etc as argueing) he just wants to get on with it which i understand but i find it hard as he shows me so little affection i feel insecure and like im waiting on him saying he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I will periodically ask him if we're ok etc which just seem to anger or irritate him and make me feel pathetic.

Sorry for the massive speal if anyone made it through that. I don't know what to do. I want to wait and see if things get better but on the other hand i feel like shit mostly all the time i don't know if i can. He claims he feels 'weird' for a long time after we argue which is his reason for lack of affection but we haven't argued in 3 weeks now.

What is your honest opinion on this situation? Thanks

You need to get some advice OP regarding child support, benefits, housing etc Just browse the CABx website or call Gingerbread tomorrow. They have a benefits calculator on their website and they can help you work out how much you'll get. You won't be homeless.

CABx Guide to separation: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/

Gingerbread: www.gingerbread.org.uk/

You could also look into relationship counselling: www.relate.org.uk/

Without wishing to be "I told you so" this and similar threads do show why it's not the best idea to be Sahm without the security of marriage. It leaves you incredibly vulnerable and trapped...

But you are where you are. Get advice on moving on, plan it well and get away from this selfish man!

HomeAlone, I wonder if he has some emotional issues which make it impossible for him to handle criticism? My ex was like this. He has Borderline Personality Disorder due to emotionally abusive and controlling parents.

We'd discuss problems in how he treated me one night and he'd seem to get it and take the issue on board, but then the next day a wall would go up and he'd turn it back onto me to make it my fault. He'd always say I was an awful person for making him feel bad about himself. He blew hot and cold and couldn't make up his mind if he wanted me or not. He was crazy about me when we first started out together too.

Just wondering if you are dealing with a similar character.

So he acts like a lazy selfish partner (not picking up after himself, spending entire weekends at football / hungover, not spending any time together etc) then when you point out his behaviour isn't acceptable, he gets the hump and withdraws affection from you, and as a result you dont pull him up on his shit behaviour any more and he is free to do as he pleases? But he is still not happy?

He also doesn't want to have sex with you or be affectionate in any way.

He also doesn't want to talk to you about how how his behaviour is affecting you.

To be honest from what you've said, he isn't putting any effort into any aspect of this relationship - not the physical, emotional or practical side. He has even told you he is not sure day to day that the relationship is going to last.

He has made it clear he is not interested. Telling him how you feel and asking him to change isn't working. So you will need to work on yourself.

I would work on the assumption you're going to be single. Have you got any hint finances at all? I would look into getting a job first and saving some money. Put yourself on a waiting list for housing or build up a deposit for private rent. Take note of what he earns so you know what maintenance you'll be due. Look into childcare options eg wraparound care at school. And by then I think you'll realise the beat thing to do is leave

He sound horrible. How lonely you must feel living with such an emotional abuser. Start saving as much as you can, find out about housing and benefits and work towards getting away. You can't spend the rest of your life as a slave who is not allowed to speak.