I dont even know where to start with this but some advice would be appreciated (sex related).

[SameOldShitDifferentDay]

I've been single for a few years. In that time, I've dated a bit here and there but nothing serious and little to no sex.

I find sex very overwhelming. It's a combination of things.

I had an emotionally/physically abusive childhood and experienced sexual assault when I was about 10 from a man who ran a local sports activity. I told my parents but was told off for being 'naughty' and wasnt allowed to leave until other parents removed their children. He disappeared in disgrace but nothing else happened.

My childhood/teen years were miserable. I was diagnosed with Aspergers at 40 and essentially I spent my childhood/youth having my traits, stims and oddness 'punished' out of me. It obviously didn't work but left me feeling unloved and unloveable and I have spent my life in and out of abusive relationships. As such, I've been largely single for the past 7 or 8 years.

As an adult, I've survived an a rape attempt, been raped once and submitted to coerced sex more times that I care to remember.

I've never had a positive sexual relationship. I've had sex with loads of men. Well into double figures hut it's never been a good experience. I'm only comfortable doing missionary position, or variations of, or with me on top facing them because the rape/coerced sex left me feeling scared of any sex when I feel vulnerable. I can't do positions where I'm not face to face. I need that to feel connected otherwise I might as well be using a sex toy. And if someone isnt looking at me, it feels as though they are thinking of someone else or at least just disconnected from the fact I'm there. So I also have issues having sex with eyes closed.

Many of the men I've had sex with have just rolled on, grunted a bit and rolled off. So I haven't had a wealth of sexual experience even though ive had sex with a lot of men. The most I've experienced is a couple of men trying to do doggy style to me but it does nothing for me and makes me feel very detached and scared. So I won't do it.

I was talking one friend recently who described her first sexual experience after her marriage ended as 'amazing' because the 'threw her about' all night. I took this to mean it was various positions and he was dominant but it sounded like my idea of hell.

At the moment, I'm entirely celibate but I don't want to be this way. I know I'm a sexual being. I have fantasies and I have desires. I think I probably have quite a high sex drive.

When I'm on my own I feel confident and can think of things I'd like to try but when I'm with someone I clam up and cant do it.

It's not helped by the fact that I'm now in my mid 40s so everyone I do meet has coming up to 30+ years of sexual experience behind them - sometimes very adventurous and with one partner they've known inside out - and so I feel like I've missed that window of opportunity to learn with someone and instead am just going to be woefully inadequate.

I just feel very scared of and by sex but I don't want to be. I normally handle it by just avoiding it but last night I went out and bumped into a friend of a friend I've been attracted to for a while. We ended up talking all night and spent about an hour at the end of the evening just kissing. Really lovely tender, sensual, passionate kissing. He didn't try anything more, or even hint at it, and I felt completely at ease and safe. He asked if he could see me again, we swapped numbers and he messaged me when he got in to ask if he could see me again over the weekend.

I replied this morning to say that I would like that and told him I was free tomorrow.

He hasn't replied yet. That ok. I dont expect him to and he might have thought better of altogether, which is also ok. It would be lovely to see him again but the prospect of it also scares me because one date can lead to another and I find sex so intimidating.

How am I supposed to navigate that? Explain to someone so that they understand? This whole sex after 3 dates thing is something I've done but i find I get 'stuck' sexually at where it starts.

I'm ashamed to admit the things that have happened to me. I'm ashamed that I feel this way. I can feel my anxiety rising and myself shutting down just at the prospect of it.

I'm starting interpersonal therapy next week to address the difficulties in have in interpersonal relationships as a result of my childhood but sex isnt something I've ever tried to address.

I'm sorry this is so long.

I'm really sorry your parents dealt with your assault so poorly. I'm also really sorry you've experienced rape.

I too have given in pushy, coerced sex; sadly I think it's not uncommon.

Have you had any counselling?

Re. This situation -he sounds good (so far) and I would completely disregard any three date rule. You don't have to have sex until/unless you want to.

I've never subscribed to that rule. I've waited 3-4 months to have (penetrative) sex in at least three relationships.

If someone can't wait til you're 100% comfortable having penetrative sex, they're not good relationship (or even Feb) material.

Btw that wasn't long - you should see the novels some posters, Inc myself, write.

*given into

*fwb

Oh sorry I see you're starting therapy soon, that's great.

I'm starting therapy next week.

Well I do suspect he's thought better of it, tbh. I always assume that because it makes it easier to handle the uncertainty. But he was very gentlemanly which is something I haven't experienced before. I dont think I've kissed a man like that and had them not try and take it further before. So that was nice.

I've tried waiting for sex but then it just becomes a non sexual relationship. I cant explain it.

Thanks sandals

Also you don't have to "admit" or explain anything that's happened to you.

You can say you're not comfortable having sex with someone for a while, until you get to know each other really well, u til you've spent a bit of time together etc etc.

I haven't had the horrendous childhood experience that you have and as I said I've waited with partners for months to have penetrative sex .. I didn't have to explain anything and I didn't. I just said I wasn't comfortable/ok with having full sex for a while/until we got to know each other well.
The three men I was with with all accepted that. If they are genuine, they will. Especially if you are showing attraction & affection so they know it's no lack of those.

*he messaged me when he got in to ask if he could see me again over the weekend.

I replied this morning to say that I would like that and told him I was free tomorrow.

He hasn't replied yet. That ok. I dont expect him to and he might have thought better of altogether, which is also ok.*

It's not been long enough to write it off yet, but even if he does not follow through, well - that happens sometimes. People have their reasons and usually it's better they wasted the least amount of your time and emotion.

It’s great you can open up on here about the past and you have certainly had a rough time so far .
Therapy is going to bring up some bad memories about the past but you’ll work through them .
The latest person in your life sounds like he’s cut out to be a tender and thoughtful lover . Take things really slow is my advice . And forget about a so-called book of rules - you are both humans getting to know and please each other .
Easy to say but hard to do - each time a feeling of shame comes up banish it !
There’s so much guilt and shame attached to intimacy and sex and it’s wrong to take it on board . It should and can be joyful with the right person . There’s things in my past I look back on occasionally and remind myself that’s all in the past - all that matters is the future . Try to enjoy this new relationship one day at a time .

I understand what you're saying about not explaining but I feel I would need to explain it. Why I might sometimes just shutdown or why it sometimes makes me cry with overwhelm or why i tense up when people suggest positions that I'm unfamiliar with. Why I appear to have such dull and unimaginative sexual experiences. Why I'm too scared to try something else. How I've never had a positive sexual experience in a relationship...

I've had a couple of fwbs and have coped with those far better than relationships. I felt sexually confident and that is the only way I've been able to develop any sort of experience at all

But he was very gentlemanly which is something I haven't experienced before. I dont think I've kissed a man like that and had them not try and take it further before. So that was nice.

He sounds like a potentially good 'un - hope he gets in touch.

On the "relationship turning non sexual if you wait to have sex" front, I dunno were all different; it hasn't happened to me .. though we were having lots of sexual contact (just not penetrative sex) during the few months.

I actually found they were more likely to get. emotionally involved and invested that way too - I do think the oxytocin from sex gets women more/earlier than men.

It's not been long enough to write it off yet, but even if he does not follow through, well - that happens sometimes. People have their reasons and usually it's better they wasted the least amount of your time and emotion.

Oh absolutely. I'm not really worried about that tbh.

That’s great that you’ve started therapy.
What type of therapist are you seeing in terms of the modality?
Psychodynamic may be very helpful at assisting you unpick and explore the early experiences with your parents not protecting you from the man who assaulted you.
A child being assaulted like this can bring around feelings of shame as an adult as we try to understand the anxiety that these memories cause us.
It’s sounds really tough to have been through these experiences.

In terms of having sex with new people. Take your time. You are worth waiting for.

I was talking one friend recently who described her first sexual experience after her marriage ended as 'amazing' because the 'threw her about' all night. I took this to mean it was various positions and he was dominant but it sounded like my idea of hell.

I imagine many women who've suffered rape/sexual assault/sexual abuse would feel the same. I haven't (though I've been in some sexually.coercive situations) and I'd find it extremely uncomfortable & scary unless I knew the man very very well, trusted him massively, had agreed to it, and it was done playfully.

Majorcollywobble

I found even reading your post overwhelming. It feels like a hood that creeps up behind me and covers me.

I do think the oxytocin from sex gets women more/earlier than men.

I don't find i become emotionally attached through sex. I don't really understand what people mean when they talk about that. That's not something I've ever experienced either.

If I develop strong romantic feelings for someone, my thoughts are rarely sexual. If it becomes/is sexual, my romantic feelings towards them diminish. I've never had a balance ofnthebtwo.of the two.

I understand what you're saying about not explaining but I feel I would need to explain it. Why I might sometimes just shutdown or why it sometimes makes me cry with overwhelm or why i tense up when people suggest positions that I'm unfamiliar with. Why I appear to have such dull and unimaginative sexual experiences. Why I'm too scared to try something else. How I've never had a positive sexual experience in a relationship...

Sounds to me like another good reason to wait and not rush into sex.

That could be quite a lot to hot someone with early on - though of course everyone's different and while some people might find it overwhelming/stressful, another might deal well with it.

I still think someone with whom you've but up familiarity, intimacy, trust etc. might be a better person to communicate and work through this issue with.

I have many similar experiences including childhood sexual abuse and rape. I also have a high sex drive. I am 90% sure I have high functioning Aspergers but got nowhere with NHS so it's not diagnosed.

I agree that rape and sexual abuse is sadly common but in many (not all) cases it is possible to recover from the damage completely, with appropriate professional help and support.

The most important step for you is to start owning your problems. You may not know how to deal with them just yet but with time and determination you will figure it out. The guy you're seeing seems like a good match but don't expect him or anyone else to solve your problems - they're yours to tackle. You don't have to explain anything to him just yet or be an open book - that's not what an intimate relationship is about.

Therapy is a good way to address some of these thoughts, fears and behaviours. I've been going to counselling for years (on and off) and see it as an invaluable investment in me / my well-being.

Other things to explore are:

• building up your confidence so that you find it easier to accept yourself for who you are and know that 'you are enough' (for example through hobbies - performing/acting and sport are particularly useful);
• don't underestimate your overall well-being - sleep, exercise, diet, social connections - looking after yourself properly will make you happier and your problems will seem easier to solve.

Hope this helps a little and good luck. Life is for living.

*hit

I was with my ex husband for 24 years and had a pretty crap time sexually with him. He was addicted to porn and wanted sex all the time but had no idea how to turn me on and I'm now sure I never fancied him even when we first met. I avoided sex at all costs and gave in a few times a year but had to be quite drunk to allow it to happen. Sounds awful now 😬 After we split up I had a couple of internet dating relationships that lasted a few weeks and the sex was again pretty crap. I had no confidence at all and really didn't enjoy it. Then I met someone who was a real gentleman and we dated and got to know each other. It took us five dates to even kiss and then a few more weeks before he stayed over. Fast forward nearly 2 years and we have lived together for over a year and we have such amazing, loving, connected sex like I have never experienced before, a few times a week. It's not throwing each other around the room or lots of different positions but it is very very special, every single time. So it is possible with the right person. I hope he gets in touch as it sounds like he is a good one!

Perceived lack of sexual experience at your age is a red herring - lots of people have had limited experience - for example because they were married to the same person for dozens of years and had little to no sex for the most part. Sex isn't rocket science, you really don't need a lot of experience to be good at it. But you do need confidence. Confidence is sexy. Insecurities are not.

I've had a few rapes and many coerced experiences too op. This is a bit direct, perhaps insensitive, but you're looking at this in the eying way.

Who did you rape?
How often have you coerced men into sex (aka rape)?

Nada?
Then you've nothing to be ashamed about. Would you be ashamed of being scared of dogs if one had bitten you in the past? And then it had happened again and again?!

If, for example, you rarely (or never) orgasm during sex, then that's a sign that the guy was a shit "lover". Nothing wrong with you.

If you are afraid during sex, then that's fucking annoying for you, but again a sign that nothing is wrong with you. If you weren't afraid of sex, or certain parts of sex, then, after everything you've been through, it would be something to worry about.

You can talk about it or not, but you don't need to feel ashamed. You've done nothing wrong, it's not you who has been hurting people. The shame belongs on the men who treated you and your body badly.

I'm going to look for a resource I remember seeing and I'll post it if I find it.

I haven't done it but she's great so I suspect it may be helpful.

www.victimfocus.org.uk/free-caring-for-yourself-after-sexual-violence

*looking at this in the wrong way