I dont even know where to start with this but some advice would be appreciated (sex related).

[SameOldShitDifferentDay]

I've been single for a few years. In that time, I've dated a bit here and there but nothing serious and little to no sex.

I find sex very overwhelming. It's a combination of things.

I had an emotionally/physically abusive childhood and experienced sexual assault when I was about 10 from a man who ran a local sports activity. I told my parents but was told off for being 'naughty' and wasnt allowed to leave until other parents removed their children. He disappeared in disgrace but nothing else happened.

My childhood/teen years were miserable. I was diagnosed with Aspergers at 40 and essentially I spent my childhood/youth having my traits, stims and oddness 'punished' out of me. It obviously didn't work but left me feeling unloved and unloveable and I have spent my life in and out of abusive relationships. As such, I've been largely single for the past 7 or 8 years.

As an adult, I've survived an a rape attempt, been raped once and submitted to coerced sex more times that I care to remember.

I've never had a positive sexual relationship. I've had sex with loads of men. Well into double figures hut it's never been a good experience. I'm only comfortable doing missionary position, or variations of, or with me on top facing them because the rape/coerced sex left me feeling scared of any sex when I feel vulnerable. I can't do positions where I'm not face to face. I need that to feel connected otherwise I might as well be using a sex toy. And if someone isnt looking at me, it feels as though they are thinking of someone else or at least just disconnected from the fact I'm there. So I also have issues having sex with eyes closed.

Many of the men I've had sex with have just rolled on, grunted a bit and rolled off. So I haven't had a wealth of sexual experience even though ive had sex with a lot of men. The most I've experienced is a couple of men trying to do doggy style to me but it does nothing for me and makes me feel very detached and scared. So I won't do it.

I was talking one friend recently who described her first sexual experience after her marriage ended as 'amazing' because the 'threw her about' all night. I took this to mean it was various positions and he was dominant but it sounded like my idea of hell.

At the moment, I'm entirely celibate but I don't want to be this way. I know I'm a sexual being. I have fantasies and I have desires. I think I probably have quite a high sex drive.

When I'm on my own I feel confident and can think of things I'd like to try but when I'm with someone I clam up and cant do it.

It's not helped by the fact that I'm now in my mid 40s so everyone I do meet has coming up to 30+ years of sexual experience behind them - sometimes very adventurous and with one partner they've known inside out - and so I feel like I've missed that window of opportunity to learn with someone and instead am just going to be woefully inadequate.

I just feel very scared of and by sex but I don't want to be. I normally handle it by just avoiding it but last night I went out and bumped into a friend of a friend I've been attracted to for a while. We ended up talking all night and spent about an hour at the end of the evening just kissing. Really lovely tender, sensual, passionate kissing. He didn't try anything more, or even hint at it, and I felt completely at ease and safe. He asked if he could see me again, we swapped numbers and he messaged me when he got in to ask if he could see me again over the weekend.

I replied this morning to say that I would like that and told him I was free tomorrow.

He hasn't replied yet. That ok. I dont expect him to and he might have thought better of altogether, which is also ok. It would be lovely to see him again but the prospect of it also scares me because one date can lead to another and I find sex so intimidating.

How am I supposed to navigate that? Explain to someone so that they understand? This whole sex after 3 dates thing is something I've done but i find I get 'stuck' sexually at where it starts.

I'm ashamed to admit the things that have happened to me. I'm ashamed that I feel this way. I can feel my anxiety rising and myself shutting down just at the prospect of it.

I'm starting interpersonal therapy next week to address the difficulties in have in interpersonal relationships as a result of my childhood but sex isnt something I've ever tried to address.

I'm sorry this is so long.

I too have aspergers and can relate to alot of what you say, especially the fact that most experiences were absolute rubbish

I don't find i become emotionally attached through sex. I don't really understand what people mean when they talk about that. That's not something I've ever experienced either.

If I develop strong romantic feelings for someone, my thoughts are rarely sexual. If it becomes/is sexual, my romantic feelings towards them diminish. I've never had a balance .of the two.

this especially relates and I found it was a mix of many things

1. shame around sex from childhood/parental views that Id taken on
2. really low self esteem
3. usually being romantically involved with abusive types
4. a decision to not mix sex with friendship - I could cope with one but not the other.
5. needing some therapy

I think also that we live in a sex soaked society which also adds elements that seem both unrealistic and also a bit 'why is everybody so OBSESSED by it' plus porn and all sorts seems to imply that everyone should be doing X Y and Z when in reality, the best way to balance the sex and romantic, is to do it all the old fashioned way. take time. take plenty of time and really get to know each other slowly and step by step.

He's messaged. We're meeting for lunch tomorrow.

I've got to go out now. I'll come back to the other stuff when I get back. There are a few things for me to think about. Thanks

It's not a prerequisite that you have sex with this man, even if you keep seeing him. There's no pressure unless he pressures you, and if he does, you leave. You have sex when you want to, and you say 'stop' whenever you want to, even if you're mid... er... bonk.

The important things are that you look after yourself, and that he respects your boundaries. Those are absolute essentials, and if you've got that covered then you don't have to worry about this. Make sure you are clear with yourself about your boundaries before you try to talk to him about them. It's very to be concerning yourself with that though.

Enjoy lunch tomorrow, and maybe more kissing if you both feel like it?

And good luck with the therapy.

Perceived lack of sexual experience at your age is a red herring - lots of people have had limited experience - for example because they were married to the same person for dozens of years and had little to no sex for the most part. Sex isn't rocket science, you really don't need a lot of experience to be good at it

This.

I honestly think people who are "good at" sex have the right personality, not experience.

I've been with quite a few older, relatively experienced men who were really crap.

A woman I know has had the best sex with her first bf (both virgins). She says he was just so communicative, so concerned about her orgasm as well as his, so persevering etc.

Hiya I'm 25 and have avoidant personality disorder. No real relationships until March this year but between 16-18 I would get drunk and have one night stands as alcohol was the only way for me to relax my anxiety around social interaction, physical interaction and being scared of men more so then women (abusive father made me very nervous of men).

I chose to not have sex nor relationships at all after 18 as that was when my mental health took a massive nose dive and have become what I am. I'm often by mental health specialists compared to autism as my brain works in a very similar manner except I wasn't like this as a child until late teens. Social interaction is excruciating for me and physical touch can be on the same level as physical pain because my brain fires off so many signals of anxiety, shame, guilt and worthlessness when touched if it's not 100% consented and fully accepted to by myself.

I had no interest in a relationship because I didn't want to let myself be in the most vulnerable position someone can be for rejection.
I met my now boyfriend through an online game, I don't know why but I couldn't stop myself from being interested or flirting back and it progressed but what made it a possibility was complete transparency on how my brain works, issues with being touched (which was no matter what never touch me unless they ask first and I am certain I am OK with it and if they want to touch more then I have already allowed then again ask). Also what helped alot was being introduced to the bdsm world, its not just whips and gags but it's completely about power exchange and consent.
I learned that I am the submissive which is easy to figure out why if anyone wishes to google avpd. My boyfriend is my Dom. Firstly although he Controls what happens he can only do that because I consent to it before hand and I can relinquish consent at any moment I wish, even if I said I was fine ten seconds before. There are three safe words we use like traffic lights
Green - everything is fine please continue.
Orange - I'm getting close to my limit) that can be for example close to reaching the point of no return for an orgasm so he knows to ease a little to keep the fun for longer or it can also be used for day to day like my anxiety in crowds which would mean I'm coping for now but may need to leave soon).
Red - STOP. END OF. (regardless of what's going on it all stops and no they cannot try to persuade you to carry on its once used is to be made effective immediately and isn't about upsetting each other its simply that you can't handle anymore. For example I panic in crowds so if I say red it means stop and leave immediately figure out the why and how after I'm back in the car etc in safety and had time to calm down).
P. S doms can use safe words too!
Another super important aspect of bdsm is honesty and communication, no subject should be off topic in terms of say sex itself, be honest about insecurities and experience and what your into. For example on experience.
I can say that I have had PIV sex and oral both for me and for them. My preference with oral is that no hands touch my head and must be respected on that rule or its a red.
I don't need to explain that I have this preference because a guy I used to give bjs to would ram my head down on him so I deep throated him and I would choke and would keep choking because the comdom would get lodged in my throat.

(I have since as we've been together a while and I full complete trust. For me the biggest thing he could do was never pressure me and let me decide when I can talk or do things).

Hope this all makes sense, I called myself tangled as my thoughts get tangled when I talk to people even online :)

Hi OP, I can understand some of this as I was diagnosed with ADHD with autistic features at around age 40. I can understand the amount of bullying and rejection etc. EMDR was a therapy I found helpful, to process various traumas including the low self esteem caused by my condition and bullying.

It's easy o say, but I think you just will one day meet the right guy. Someone compassionate who will accept who you are and be understanding and respectful of what you're comfortable with sexually etc.

This guy sound quite nice- you never know! Wishing you all the best xxx

Oh and when you say you've had no pleasant sexual experiences, have you had some nice ones with yourself? That might help you feel a bit more optimistic about how sex can be. It might sound frivolous, but I recommend a 'magic wand' style mains powered vibrator. It's so reliable and gives you a feeling of being in control of your sex life.

I have to be honest, I much prefer 'solo' stuff. I've never liked sex that much, even when in a very good relationship, I'm ok for first few months and then I simply go off it. Not handy when you have been married for a lot of years!! My thing is I don't mind so much 'helping them out' I don't much like anything else.!!

Could not just read and run.

OP you have all my empathy. I'm going to give you two bits of news.

1 - I'm not sure you need that kind of therapy tbh. I suggest you need trains therapy because I strongly suspect you have c- PTSD and very possibly PTSD from the rape. You may also wish to go on Prozac. In the UK, its GP and a referral to Psychiatrist.

2 - You can heal. I'm proof of that.

I've been with my DP for a solid 18 months. He like me is an Empath and hes bloody brilliant. Sex is off the charts a d keeps on getting better. It took me a very very long time to learn to trust men intimately again. It was worth it. Hes a kind and loving man.

There are good ones out there and I fell on my feet with him. I strongly suspect you've been abused by narcs and keep on picking them up. Just like many women on here do.

You will keep on picking them up until you become fully weaponised.

Narcsite.com is a great place to begin your journey.

I write about narc abuse and healing from it. Please do reach out and pm me and hopefully I can further assist you.

And

1 - Trains = trauma therapy

2 - Never apologise for a long and detailed OP. The more info people give the better IME.

3 - The fact that you have given a detailed OP and then apologised for it (let alone the fact you have been horrendously abused) suggest very strongly you are an Empath. Being an Empath is brilliant!

4 - Your parents reaction is shocking. Are you in contact with them?

5 - You are worthy of love and you will know love. I have a feeling about you.

You may also wish to go on Prozac.

Everybody's different but I tried Prozac briefly when depressed and it gave me intense anxiety and made me feel worse than I felt before.

Also is op depressed?

EMDR is the evidence based therapy for trauma. Nothing else has the same evidence base, except CBT for those who find it helpful. I kind of liked EMDR because it feels like it gets at your subconscious mind- if out conscious minds could easily help us, we'dve done it already! Having said that CBT etc do work for some people.

Yes, the therapist called what she was treating PTSD, though I personally wouldn'tve called it that when it comes to me. But it was certainly the effects of trauma on my personality, relationships etc.

Medication can ae useful too, if you've already tried something, go back and they can try something different and up the dose. There are all sorts of things they can try.

@Sandals19
'You may also wish to go on Prozac.

Everybody's different but I tried Prozac briefly when depressed and it gave me intense anxiety and made me feel worse than I felt before.

Also is op depressed?'

Yes, everyone's different, and there are many different meds they can try to help people's mental health. The main 'mistake' people make IMO is not going back and trying something else if one or two things don't work. Prozac is also used for PTSD and several other conditions.

Prozac is also used for PTSD and several other conditions.

I didn't realise that.

It would be important to establish if op definitely has PTSD or any other appropriate condition.

Also I still.think Prozac is sketchy, hasn't there been a study find in the link between Prozac and suicide in young men being treated with it.

I'm on my laptop now, which makes it easier to reply!

IsItChristmas I have a few hobbies - of the performing arts variety - and you're right about it building confidence but it only works in that particular field. It doesn't translate to anywhere else. I perform regularly in public - in a group and solo - and no longer have any issues doing that.

I have a good social life (well, one that I can manage - I avoid busy places with lots of people and prefer smaller more intimate places where I can talk and get to know people). I have a good number of friends. Some I'm in contact with (via messaging) daily/frequently and others I see weekly or contact sporadically. That is also fine. I went out with a friend last night I haven't seen for well over a year - which was lovely.

I'm starting a new job next week, so I'm looking forward to that and that's also been a confidence boost.

So, in many ways, I've managed to overcome a lot of my past - at least on a superficial level and my life looks pretty much as I want it too. With the exception of this one thing.

I eat well, I exercise, I've recently lost a couple of stone just by making healthier lifestyle choices. I've cut unhealthy friendships from my life. There's a lot I've done really well this year!

I felt a bit more confident in myself a few years ago and went for the 'confidence is sexy' approach but I found that men didn't seem to like it. I was told to lose weight or told I was too old - I obviously dumped them.

jobo5678

Your post was interesting. I read it wondering how you got from the position of feeling the way you did to feeling comfortable and confident with your new partner? That's the bit I can't imagine. I clam up so much. It's almost like when you can drive but mess up on your driving test because the nerves kick in. I almost become avoidant. My longest relationship was similar to yours - we didn't fancy or love each other, but we were friends first and it was comfortable. We rarely had sex - we had sex once in the last 4 years and he told me that it had made him feel disgusted with himself. I suspect that was because he was also seeking a connection that he didn't have with me and he knew I didn't fancy him either. Alcohol was also always involved.

Eckhart

Thank you. Your post makes a lot of sense and, obviously, you're right. I have difficulty reminding myself of that sometimes though so I think I've let things happen in the past, even if I didn't want them to, because I didn't really know how to say "no" and felt guilty for doing so.

Sandals19

I am quite comfortable talking about what I like/want; don't like/don't want but I find that some men don't like to hear that. They know what they want to do and will just forge ahead regardless. I've not really ever had anyone tell me what they like either.

The other thing I've found is that the men who are more sexually confident and happy to talk/hear are also the ones who want to do more and that's when I do feel uncomfortable.

I suppose I do need to find that emotional and sexual connection with someone really. But I also feel inadequate/anxious because I know they only know so much about themselves and are only able to talk about it because they've had so many positive experiences and then I feel I can't compete or compare and that they'll always be looking at me wishing I was more like X person from their past.

TangledMind

Thanks. I am clear on what I am happy with or not but do find it difficult to communicate that in the moment. Especially if I know it's stuff that most people regard as being standard. I think that if I don't let someone have what they want sexually, then why would be they be interested in seeing me again?

Interestedwoman

Thanks. Yes, most of my sexual experiences over the past few years have been with myself! I don't use vibrators or anything because I don't like them. It's too intense and overwhelming. I've got some sensory issues that mean the sensation is just too much.

I don't really tell people I'm autistic either. I don't 'look' autistic and, unless people understand or know what to look for in women, most people would never guess. I did tell someone once but I don't think he took it seriously and seemed to 'forget'.

75Renarde

One parent is dead and I haven't had any contact with the other for nearly 8 years. I've never been assessed for PTSD/cPTSD. I'm aware of them but I've never addressed it. I'm going to mention my reactions/responses in therapy and see what they say.

I'm having Dynamic Interpersonal Therapy which is a psychodynamic therapy. It's the one they felt was most appropriate when I had my assessment but there's only so much you can cover in a half hour assessment when i've got 40 years worth of stuff to work through that has affected every aspect of my life.

The therapy assessment determined that I am depressed. I've had Prozac before but didn't like the way it made me feel so I wouldn't have that again. The last time I had anything, I had Citalopram, which seemed to help but I haven't felt the need for it for the past few years.

The path to being where I am with my new partner hasn't been all plain sailing as I was triggered by my past relationship quite a lot at first. I have done lots of research into relationships and also lots of soul searching. We have such a deep connection on so many levels, it's incredible. I think part of it is that we are both knocking on for 50 and neither of us has ever felt for anyone else as we do for each other. I have had other issues in the past too such as being drugged and raped whilst I was on holiday when I was 20 and I was in a long term relationship with someone who turned out to be gay, which took some getting over. You can get there but it will take time. Stay strong. I hope you've had a lovely lunch today 😉

SameOldShitDifferentDay - for confidence building the key is to constantly be slightly outside your comfort zone, this makes you immune to everyday life failures and makes you more resilient. So if you are already doing acting, try doing it for a bigger audience, at a different location, slightly different style or something like that. It's good for you but it's also a very attractive quality to have, it shows determination and high energy!

It's totally not true that the effects only work within that specific social circle! It will score you bonus points in any relationship. Well done and keep doing it.

It sounds like we have unfortunately experienced similar things.

I had a pretty traumatic childhood, but thankfully no sexual abuse. I also spent the majority of my childhood and teenagers years being shamed for who I was, luckily I was able to leave home at 17 and didn’t really see any of my family after that.

I had a very unpleasant experience at 19 which hugely impacted my sex life to the point that I didn’t have sex until I was in my late twenties. But I was perfectly able to have one night stands and do other sexual things without issue, which I know makes little sense.

The hardest thing is knowing you’re the only one who can alter how you feel etc, it’s a huge responsibility that you can’t shift onto anyone else.

I do see a therapist (and take medication) due to my mental health, but I personally have never mentioned what happened to me and I’ve chosen to keep it that way. I’m lucky that I have generally been able to cope with it in a way that works for me.

In my experience it really doesn’t matter what your sexual history is when meeting someone new, once you’re past the age of about 20 when people have actually grown up there is no shame in having loads, a few or no partners etc. It someone does have an issue then they’re not worth your time.

I’ve waited three and four months before having sex with a partner, it hasn’t caused any issues for me. I personally do say why I can’t/won’t have sex with someone early on, it’s also a way to warn them so they’re not as shocked when I do something weird/freak out. We seem to have the same rules when having sex.

You say you almost stop seeing someone in a sexual way once you know them. Do you think as sex has almost been a dangerous thing, once a person is trusted sex by definition no longer fits your view of that person. English isn’t my first language, so sorry for wording that poorly.

No one should push you on your boundaries. For example there's hard limits which means not going to happen. For me one is any kind of suffocating or breath play, I'm not only not interested but very touchy on the subject. It's best to be open about what you want from sex before any sex should happen. If someone wants to do something with you that your not OK with then be clear about this as a boundary, if they don't respect you on this or try to push it then they don't truly care about you as an individual and you shouldn't waste any time on them. For me I don't get much out of sorting myself out solo and I also like to keep my eyes closed during sex. Not because I don't want to disengage from my partner nor do I want to imagine someone else I just can't fully relax and enjoy the sensations as my brain won't switch off enough to allow me to enjoy the moment. However that's if I'm the one on the bottom, I've since realised if I'm on top I actually enjoy watching my partner as I'm the one doing the moving and so it's nice to see the expressions as I'm focusing on giving them pleasure. As to solo play it doesn't do much for me as I already know too predictably how things will feel and there's no excitement as with my partner playing with me it's very exciting and unpredictable.
We've pretty much done everything at my pace as I'm the one with the biggest issues with vulnerability and allowing someone to touch me on such ways and expressing myself as I'm very reserved usually.