Should/Can I have an affair?

[ellie741]

Sorry for the essay. Married DH 4 years ago and have a beautiful 1yo DD. DH is an incredible father, very loving and caring but a terrible drunk. He has embarrassed me countless times and has been verbally cruel and abusive inc when I was pregnant and wedding night. Never physical but the hurt has built up inside me so much that I am no longer IN love with him. I love him but I have no sexual attraction to him. We have recently moved out of London away from my job and friends. Last week I met up with my best friend from work and ended up kissing him. It was totally out of the blue but felt so familiar and exciting. I saw him a few days later to 'clear the air' but it was obvious we both wanted more. I can't stop thinking about him and and how incredible it would be to spend the night together. I know we would never work in a relationship but it felt amazing to be wanted and be irresponsible and frivolous instead of just someone's lonely stay at home wife and mother. DD is my world but very energetic and all consuming, I just crave more moments where I feel like an individual and a red blooded young woman again! I don't fancy anyone else. This guy is different. We know each other well and it feels safe and normal and right.

I just don't know what to do. In an ideal world I would be happy with what I have. DH is wonderful 99% of the time now but I don't know how to repair the damage. I wish I could!! He is a good man and loves me endlessly. But.. The idea of having a night of amazing self indulgent passion is all i can think about. However I think that might open a can of worms! Could I stop after one night? I want to be the best mum I can but I know I also need to be happy. I feel isolated away from London but DD is so much better off in the countryside. We have plenty of space and animals for her and she is flourishing. We moved for her and I don't regret that. I just miss being me. I don't want to leave DH because he is a great person. Please help!! I know it all sounds very selfish but I'm feeling so depressed and have reignited old eating disorders. I'm such a mess!! Any advice greatly appreciated xxx

You don't have to shag someone else to "be you". Leave your husband, then find you and shag to your heart's content. No one can give you permission to have an affair, you can use every excuse under the sun but it'll never be ok. Grow up and face the music, your marriage is over, there's nothing wrong with that, there is everything wrong with shagging someone else.

DH is not a wonderful man at all, is he? Wonderful men aren't ever described as "He has embarrassed me countless times and has been verbally cruel and abusive inc when I was pregnant and wedding night"

Ltb, and use the time when he has contact time with your dd to wantonly shag whoever you want

Are you asking our permission?

Your husband is abusive. Your DD can still have a good life if you decide to separate, you don't have to be with him.

Also, look for stuff locally to make friends, or get in touch and go out with (other) old friends- that might help your mental health and help with your depression and eating disorders. See your GP if need be. You don't want to get with someone just because/partly because you're not well, you're down and that person cheers you up etc.

If you read similar threads you will find over whelming that others opinions are you tell this man who loves you endlessly how you feel and if you still want to shag someone else than have enough respect for him to break up with him and do it while you are single. You have not been married long - why put up with being unhappy until your daughter is an adult in 17 years time! Don’t waste your life.

@StrictlyNameChangin 'use the time when he has contact time with your dd to wantonly shag whoever you want'

If you want to work on your relationship then go to counselling together. If he refuses then You should leave. Otherwise you’re stuck in a loop of abuse and self hatred.

If he agrees to counselling then you need to give it 1 year. Then once the year is up you can review your relationship see if there is an improvement. If not you will have to separate, at least you would have made your best efforts and worked at it.

You are not you’re true self when you are an addict.

Basically that posts says 'dh is a shit, but I stay because it suits me. It's ok to shag someone else because dh is a shit right?'

Why would you turn yourself into a ahit instead of just leaving?

If your husband behaviour makes shagging around ok, then it's bad enough to leave.

And the 'I want to be me' crap, just makes me think you are grabbing at whatever you can to try and justifying shagging this bloke.

Your post is conflicting - how does an amazing father also treat the mother like this?

Is your DH still drinking and being abusive? Does he know/admit he has a problem?
I feel for you OP you just sound like you want to feel wanted by someone again. I don’t think that having an affair is the answer though. If you still want to be with DH he needs to accept that his drinking is a problem and get help then maybe you can both work on your relationship maybe with couples counselling and try and reignite that spark you had together.
If he can’t do that I’d leave him. This relationship is making you unhappy and ultimately your DD will pick up on that as well and be unhappy. Do you want her growing up in an environment where her dad gets drunk and verbally abuses her mother?
I think meeting this friend has made you realise how desperately unhappy you are and you need to make moves now to fix that for you and your DD. If you leave your DH then absolutely sleep with whoever you want just don’t do it whilst you’re still in a relationship.

Marry in haste, repent at leisure.
WHY have a baby so soon into a relationship when you don't really know who the man is??? He is immature and mean when drunk, well done for making choices with lifelong consequences when you didn't know him well enough.
My answer is, don't have an affair. That's ridiculous.
Sort out the existing relationship and then start.
The question should then be, should I sleep with a colleague? No, so find a new job too. Can you hear the gossip? "Well, she was married with a baby and started sleeping with him....." and FYI the woman always comes off worse than the man.

You dont solve an internal emotional issue by sleeping with another man. This is akin to medicating yourself and would be addictive much like self harm or drug taking can become. The problem with medicating yourself is that it never works longterm and because you will have to be deceitful you will end up feeling ashamed of yourself which will cause further self esteem issues. It can quickly becomes a nasty downward spiral.

There are a number of problems that you highlight in your post (abusive husband, unfulfilled, isolated, eating disorder) and I would highly recommend you see a counsellor to unpack all of this stuff.

As a parent you have a responsibility to get yourself into a better place as it is obvious you are hurting. Sleeping with another man is not the right or responsible action but you need kindness and help so get a counsellor for support. Put energy into your emotional well being rather than an affair.

Also a man who would sleep with you knowing you are married but unhappy isn't a true friend..he is more likely opportunistic and recognised you are an easy target (a vulnerable new mum who doesn't have lots of support).

'My wife's a pisshead and gets lairy when she's drunk. Sometimes she shouts at me! Can I shag other women?'

Your DH sounds like he has issues. it doesn't justify an affair, ever. If it's really that bad, get out of there.

Two wrongs dont make a right

You are married, no you cannot have an affair. You are cheating on your family, not just your husband.

You are not happy in your marriage. Deal with that situation before getting in to more trouble. Keep away from this other man. Do not reply. If he is any good he will leave you alone. Good luck.

I agree with the first three posters particularly. Your husband isn't a great husband or father come to that. When your daughter is older she will see the way he treats you and that will be distressing for her. Not so great is it?

I understand why you'd want to have an affair but this is a 'port in a storm' relationship because yours is so difficult. Is this man single? If not then expect your feelings to overtake you, that's a huge risk and you won't have control again. By the time you realise that you're in too deep it will be too late... and it damages you. I know that from experience.

End your marriage and let your husband (Ex by then) be a 'fantastic father' to his daughter, that's his job and his duty to her.

You'll then be free to pursue the relationships that you want to have, without the emotional detritus of a half-life that generally is an affair.

You are cheating on your family, not just your husband.

This, exactly this.

something2say what a shaming and spite-loaded post that was. Do you feel better now?

When you say your DH is a terrible drunk and abusive, do you mean he sometimes drinks too much and becomes abusive or that he is an alcoholic.

If the former you can work on this, he could go to counselling for his anger. If he is an abusive alcoholic you need to leave ASAp.

Have another relationship when you have left. Your DS would prefer a happy mum rather than a bigger garden.

Is your husband drunk often?

I despise cheats. Either make a decision to leave your DH or try and work out the issues with him.

Leave your h. Find someone who wants to be an equal loving life partner, not someone who wants you as a cheap shag on the side before he goes home to his poor unsuspecting wife.

If you don't want to leave your h, don't have an affair or the choice will soon be out of your hands. These things are usually found out sooner or later.

If you’re no longer attracted to your DH - he’s going to notice this. And it will destroy him too - it’s the most likely thing to make him turn to drink, build up resentment and corrode what you have. You say it’s 99% good - but the one percent is his being a bad drunk. I think you need to sort this out with him - get counselling and make him see what happens when he drinks (is it often?).
And if you can’t repair things then separate.
But NO - you can’t just seek to deceive lie and hurt your family. It’s selfish and immature to believe that it might be ok for you to have an affair!

Go for it! Shag this OM senseless! Give you a break from mean old nasty DH.

Blummin' 'eck. pull yourself together and think of your family.

You're never going to get encouragement to have an affair on Mumsnet OP. I suspect that no matter what anyone on here says you'll end up doing it anyway.

All I would say is think very, very carefully before you do anything. If you have an affair, it will hang over you and your family for the rest of your life, even if you never get found out. You will have to live with the guilt forever. And even if your marriage ends, if your DH finds out you have been unfaithful you will have a much messier divorce.

What you are talking about is not "one night of passion", it is something that will have repercussions on your family for years to come, whether you are found out or not.

My ex husband’s affairs and him subsequently leaving for the OW destroyed me. Totally destroyed me. I’ve never fully recovered and don’t think I ever will. Don’t do this. It’s not worth it. Leave your husband and shag who you want but don’t ever underestimate the horrific damage an affair does.

Well, your DH isn't a great person if he is verbally abusive and cruel. He's clearly not bothered either or he would have made the effort to stop drinking.

Staying in this marriage will NOT do your DD any favours and you will be setting a bad example by doing so. Do not have an affair. Make plans to leave your DH.