Should/Can I have an affair?

[ellie741]

Sorry for the essay. Married DH 4 years ago and have a beautiful 1yo DD. DH is an incredible father, very loving and caring but a terrible drunk. He has embarrassed me countless times and has been verbally cruel and abusive inc when I was pregnant and wedding night. Never physical but the hurt has built up inside me so much that I am no longer IN love with him. I love him but I have no sexual attraction to him. We have recently moved out of London away from my job and friends. Last week I met up with my best friend from work and ended up kissing him. It was totally out of the blue but felt so familiar and exciting. I saw him a few days later to 'clear the air' but it was obvious we both wanted more. I can't stop thinking about him and and how incredible it would be to spend the night together. I know we would never work in a relationship but it felt amazing to be wanted and be irresponsible and frivolous instead of just someone's lonely stay at home wife and mother. DD is my world but very energetic and all consuming, I just crave more moments where I feel like an individual and a red blooded young woman again! I don't fancy anyone else. This guy is different. We know each other well and it feels safe and normal and right.

I just don't know what to do. In an ideal world I would be happy with what I have. DH is wonderful 99% of the time now but I don't know how to repair the damage. I wish I could!! He is a good man and loves me endlessly. But.. The idea of having a night of amazing self indulgent passion is all i can think about. However I think that might open a can of worms! Could I stop after one night? I want to be the best mum I can but I know I also need to be happy. I feel isolated away from London but DD is so much better off in the countryside. We have plenty of space and animals for her and she is flourishing. We moved for her and I don't regret that. I just miss being me. I don't want to leave DH because he is a great person. Please help!! I know it all sounds very selfish but I'm feeling so depressed and have reignited old eating disorders. I'm such a mess!! Any advice greatly appreciated xxx

To answer the question, no. No you shouldn't have an affair. You can, but you shouldn't.

Your husband is a dick. I didn't read fully on how much of a dick he is, but he is a dick. Leave him if you aren't happy. Don't sink to his level.

Thanks for all the advice. Sorry wrote title without proper thought. It's not really what I mean. I know an affair is totally wrong but I don't know how to stop wanting it.

I wouldn't say DH is an alcoholic. He doesn't need to drink all the time but when he does, it can easily get it of control. It is better now because he doesn't go out much anymore. I encourage him to go back to London for a big night out so he can get it out of his system when DD and I are not around. We really can't go out together. He turns into a completely different person after a certain amount of booze. In the past I have recorded what he says and he is full of remorse when he hears it and say he will get help and stop drinking but that just never happens. The drunken abuse happens very rarely now but I can't forget the past experiences. Even when he has had a small amount to drink and I see a glimmer of the person he changes into I get panicky. Sometimes he used to get so drunk he would wet the bed. How do I forget that and go back to finding that man sexy again?! Is it even possible? Has anyone had any experience with marriage councillors? I REALLY want to make this work but I don't know if this is beyond repair?

WHY do you want to make it work? For your daughter? Because you love him and see yourself growing old with him? Think about what YOU want because your husband's behaviour wouldn't work for me, wouldn't work for many other women either.

Why does he feel entitled to behave this way and not look at himself? I'm certain you'd spoken to him about before, haven't you? Surely, if he cared for you, wanted to save HIS marriage, he'd do something about it.

Sort out your domestic arrangements and then see where you are. That's what I'd tell my best friend to do.

It does sound shit though, ellie, bed-wetting through drunkenness, ffs.

You don’t love him.

He’s got an issue with drinking and you’re using that as an excuse because you have fanny flutters for another man.

Either fix the problems in the marriage or divorce and move on.

He's neither a good husband or father.
leave him and then you can shag who you want to, preferably unmarried men.

I don't think you should have an affair, but I do think you should end your marriage.

DH is an incredible father, very loving and caring but a terrible drunk. He has embarrassed me countless times and has been verbally cruel and abusive inc when I was pregnant and wedding night. Never physical but the hurt has built up inside me so much that I am no longer IN love with him.

This man is not 99% good. If that were true I dread to think what the other 1% is like. He sounds horrific and has probably destroyed your self confidence which is why you are considering doing something I expect you never thought you would do.

Please don't jump into an affair with this guy. Instead use your feelings about the situation as a way of reminding yourself you don't have to stay in your marriage and feel shit all the time.

It's too easy to dive into what is essentially escapism. Anyone is wonderful during one night of passion but that isn't real life and you cannot let yourself rely on this fantasy of a special someone to help unravel all the damage of a toxic relationship.

I firmly believe that after a toxic and / or abusive relationship, it is vital to be single for a while so that you are able to cope whether in a relationship or not.

It's never just one night when you connect with someone, it's such a slippery slope and to be honest from what you've said about your husband I can't imagine how he would act if he found out. Don't put yourself in an unsafe position.

Your DD will model her future relationships on her parents' relationship. If you don't feel able to leave for yourself, then do it for her.

you’re looking for a reason to leave and you think the answer is to fall into the arms of another, mainly because you’re scared of being alone and never meeting anyone again.

Don’t have an affair. Leave your cunty husband though.

He wets the bed? He has an alcohol problem.

He's also an abusive swine.

He would never get drunk again if it bothered him that he hurts you when he drinks.

He isn't a good person at all. Note how one of his little episodes was on your wedding night? Yeah, he wanted your feel worthless and unloved on your wedding night! Ffs. And other time when you were pregnant and perhaps feeling vulnerable about your body, instead of reassuring you, he went for the jugular like a rabid dog. This is what abusive people do, they hate to see you happy so they have to bring you down and they also use your vulnerable times and weaknesses against you. He basically, is a horrible person, who doesn't like you.

Is this a reason to have an affair? No, it's a reason to leave.

He's going to tell people you have issues. One way or another. Especially when you start to pull away (and stop telling yourself shit like 'he's good 99% of the time'). Or want to leave. But if you cheat, there will be a glimmer of truth to his accusations. So people will be more likely to believe him and any horrible lie he tells. Also, you may find you stay with him longer due to the guilt. His sort have a way of convincing you that their actions are your fault and that if you change, they will. Guilt from an affair may compound this by making you feel even more like you are responsible.

So don't do it. Not until you are away from this craply partner.

How do I forget that and go back to finding that man sexy again?! Is it even possible?

I think it is possible if he accepted responsibility, realised the impact and you felt you could trust him again.
After a period of time the in love feelings do change but you can love someone and reconnect if the trust is restored.

Can you two talk?

I wouldn't say DH is an alcoholic. He doesn't need to drink all the time but when he does...

He is a problem drinker.

I have recorded what he says and he is full of remorse when he hears it and say he will get help and stop drinking but....

He somehow never has done. So he knows exactly that he is an abusive arsehole when drunk, and he's chosen not only not to get help but he also still drinks.

I bet he's a treat to barmaids and the like or does he save all his hate for you, his special life partner?

The drunken abuse happens very rarely now

oh gooood as long as it's very rare now Come on lady, have more self respect than this. Very rare is still WAY. TOO. OFTEN.