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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Does male co worker like me and is dating off limits?

42 replies

Maria53 · 15/11/2019 20:49

I am a 28 year old woman still in my probationary period at work and hit it off with one particular colleague immediately.

I've felt as though he likes me for a while, but you can never be completely sure. He always talks to me and maintains a conversation at work. Then today we had a team activities day and over the course of 8 hours we never let the other's side. He stayed close to me and bought me drinks. We have a lot in common and laugh together lots etc. At the theatre we sat with our arms touching most of the time. We were basically together for those 8 hours and when I finally went to chat to other colleagues he left!

We don't work together directly but do work in the same open space. But I noticed my line manager glare at me when she walked past at one point. The company directors (who are married!) on the other hand weren't at all bothered.

Is it a complete no go? Should I filter him as a friend in my head? If we weren't working together I would 100% like to date him. But I do need this job and he pay is good!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2019 20:51

Do you not know the company policy on this? I really would play it cool till probation is over and I'd ask your company policy on this.

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/11/2019 20:55

I couldn't see anything in the handbook. I will check again next week.

Yeah I think we got a bit carried away because we like each other so much. I suppose maybe I'll just need to forget it. There are quite frequent social work occasions where there is a free bar so I will need to watch that though I'm not much of a drinker anyway.

It's crap as I rarely meet people I feel this compatible with. Sod's law!

OP posts:

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/11/2019 20:57

But surely I can't ask the policy? It would be a bit obvious why I was asking...

OP posts:

libbynaughtz26 · 15/11/2019 20:59

Don't do it. Work and relationships very rarely end well!

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/11/2019 21:02

Sob. We get on so well. I really do feel it's mutual as we were inseparable all day.

It's sad thinking it's just a no go.

We asked each other how long we saw each other staying at the company and both said not long term. But I want to stay for at least a year.

OP posts:

daisydalrymple · 15/11/2019 21:03

Met my DH at work. We’ve been together 23 years, and have 3 dc. It’s not always a disaster, but it just needs the chance to develop away from the work environment, with no overlap whilst at work.

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/11/2019 21:09

The thing is I don't think it's just a flirtation/lust thing but a genuine connection.

Do you have any tips for pursuing things away from work daisydalrymple?

(As an option to explore at this point :D)

OP posts:

yellowallpaper · 15/11/2019 21:16

Just cool it for a while until your job is secure. It will also give you time to hear any gossip. He may have form for this and even be married. Not that I'm cynical.

daisydalrymple · 15/11/2019 21:21

Well, probably not what you want to hear, but it was a slow burning start for us. We started going out for a drink, talking, spending time together, not on dates. Then after a few months when i was absolutely sure I was falling in love, he told me he was and we started dating officially.

Sq3333 · 15/11/2019 21:47

Met my DH at work, 5 years later still together. I don’t think someone at work is off limits but I would be careful because people do gossip so maybe wait till your probation period is over. At my old workplace you couldn’t be line managed by someone you were in a relationship with but no restriction beyond that.

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/11/2019 22:06

No, he made it clear that he was single. No wife or girlfriend.

Obviously my job is important to me. I suppose I can play it cool throughout the probationary period. I just don't want him to think I am giving him the cold shoulder- maybe he'll move on and date someone else.

Even though I feel a strong connection, my job and salary is important to me.

OP posts:

Sq3333 · 15/11/2019 22:08

Could you get to know him as a friend outside work?

PersonaNonGarter · 15/11/2019 22:11

It’s normal to meet your partner at work - I think something like 1/4 couples meet through work.

But the issue is the distraction from your new job or the risk that you will behave unprofessionally at this early stage.

LuluBellaBlue · 15/11/2019 22:13

I’d say there’s no issue with dating at work - unless your co policy says otherwise.

However having seen this many times over what annoys people is the obvious flirting in front of everyone. Especially if it was meant to be company bonding time, a chance to get to know everyone and you both ignored everyone else whilst still enjoying the free perks.
Basically abusing what the day / session was meant to be about.

If I was your manager I’d be really disappointed in you for displaying that behaviour in front of the directors even if they didn't show they were bothered it would of still been clocked.
I’d feel (especially if I’d recruited you) that you’d let me down.

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/11/2019 22:34

I don't think I behaved unprofessionally. Yes we talked a lot but not just alone, most of the time we were with other colleagues. It was conversation and not outrageous flirting, although we spent more time together. There is an attraction there but no line was crossed.

Also being aware of it I did tell him I was going to mingle and I did, made a point of chatting to a range of people in the office.

For now I'll remain friendly and keep my head down at work. Oh well.

OP posts:

Cordial11 · 15/11/2019 22:39

I met my partner at work and I was HR!

Still together 4 years later.

We kept it on down low for first 6 months until serious....

LuluBellaBlue · 15/11/2019 22:47

We were basically together for those 8 hours and when I finally went to chat to other colleagues he left!

But I noticed my line manager glare at me when she walked past at one point. The company directors (who are married!) on the other hand weren't at all bothered.

From your opening statements above it does t sound like you were subtle or professional otherwise why else would you say your directors didn’t have a problem?

LuluBellaBlue · 15/11/2019 22:47

*doesn't

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/11/2019 22:57

Good to know Cordial11 !

At the end of the day there is a group of women who never leave each others side in work...but they would never be glared at like that because they aren't opposite sex. They also were glued together all night. I wouldnt dream of touching him or being a huge flirt but yes I am posting here because clearly there is an attraction and I suppose it will have to be toned down to minimal time together/friendship in work. I would want to be friends with him regardless.

I've worked in several places and haven't felt this way before...

OP posts:

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/11/2019 23:00

Actually my line manager was more touchy feely with him than I was! I was careful not to be.

At the end of the night I went up to both directors and thanked them. They said they were glad I had enjoyed myself and gave me a little hug. Didn't feel there was a problem. Apparently there are a lot of alcohol fuelled events like this so it's something I need to be aware of as inhibitions come down.

OP posts:

LuluBellaBlue · 15/11/2019 23:04

Well good luck with it OP! Hope it works out :)

readitandwept · 15/11/2019 23:05

So what did you get "carried away" with?

Original poster

Maria53 · 15/11/2019 23:16

Carried away with chatting! Just talked and talked. As I say, mainly at least while standing or sitting with other colleagues, but then for the last couple of hours it was mainly just us. We studied the exact same topic, have similar hobbies and outlook, great chemistry. It doesn't happen very often.

When I realised we had been together too long just us i said i was going to go and speak to other colleagues. He looked a bit sad when l walked off and then I didnt see him again so he must have left.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/11/2019 23:32

I think it’s fine - just take it slow, be sensible, be discreet. Loads of people meet their partners through work.

Cohle · 15/11/2019 23:33

Are you sure your line manager isn't interested in him? Because that would be an uncomfortable position to be in, especially whilst still in your probationary period.

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