Things were great then he broke up with me. Wondering what I did so wrong?

[Sja88]

After coming out of an abusive relationship it took me nearly 3 years to find someone new that was great for me and my son. I had never felt so loved by someone before in years of dating, him and my 4 year old were best buddies and he made me feel so at ease and comfortable. We were together a year, spoke often about the future, that he wanted children, to get married. I honestly thought things were great.

But as fine went on I noticed he was very OCD about his home and wanted things in a very set way like if the the iron board was the wrong way round in the cupboard or if I git water from washing up on his plant pots he would comment on it. He is 32, his father died 6 years ago followed by his mother 4 years ago who he took care of until she passed away and he now lives in her home. I understand why he is the way he is with his home and I was very respectful of that when me and my son were there. He picked out the paint that he liked for what would be my sons room and I brought it.

Then he changed his mind thar he wasn’t ready and didn’t know how he was feeling out of the blue, bringing up that I was trying to change too much as I had offered him a washing machine in my garage to replace his broken one. I took my things home and offered him space and he said he overreacted hours later and aid to come back so we did the next day.

A week later we are laughing, joking, affectionate and slept together, I thought everything was fine. Then by lunch time he said he was feeling weird and got very annoyed and just changed. I was upset so went home. I then received a phone call saying that he’s never happy anymore, he hasn’t been for years and that where I used to make him happy I don’t anymore and that he no longer loves me even though he told me the day before that he loved me.

I said if there was anything I could do and he said that there’s nothing I can do to change his mind, that I havn’t done anything wrong and he doesn’t know if he can get around ever living with anyone. I even offered to pay for him to see a counsellor and he refused saying he doesn’t think it will help.

A week on I’ve left him to it but have been obsessing over what I did so wrong, I’m a student in my final year so have been stressed lately and on placement a lot, I’m scared I got too comfortable with him and scared him off and I was very keen for us to live together just because I loved spending fine and we had such a great uni with my son. His Facebook and WhatsApp photos are still of us 2 but I honestly thought he would change his mind and come back because I thought we were good together.

Either him or I would call each other throughout the day just for a chat and catch up. Now that’s all gone I miss him so much and I don’t know what to do. I feel lost without my best friend and my rock. Please help! I just want him back

Aw, you need to talk this through with someone - not him. Find a friend and talk it out.

Desperate is absolutely NOT a good look. Let him come to you if he is going to. He may, he may not. But you seem to be saying that you might have been too intense - trust your own diagnosis and back off.

There's nothing you've done wrong - he's come out and said that exactly. He's not ready and/or he can't cope with living with another person who isn't as regimented as him.

Don't try to be, because you'll fail. He clearly has a condition at some level, and without being a mind-reader you'll never keep up.

You're going to have to let this one go. Or perhaps another route is to not live in the same house?

Thank you both for your advice, I feel like he’s doing the “it’s not you it’s me” cop out and it really hurts not knowing for him to then say he just doesn’t love me. He cried as I was leaving with my things then said he’s not going to change his mind.

He spoke like he wanted the same things as me, he would bring up children’s names he liked and would ask what I thought. He never brought up how he felt, if I knew I would of backed off I’m just gutted. My friends say I should move on and leave it there, they may be right but I’m just not ready 🙁 sound so pathetic xx

Why on earth would you want him back? He's a controlling mind fuck. He's done you the biggest favour of your life, you just don't know it yet.

You didnt do anything wrong. You ust wanted different things. But this is a lesson in not allowing your new boyfriend and your 4 year old to become 'best buddies'.

Assuming he isnt an arsehole, it can take a while to work out whether a relationship is right for us or not and, when it came down to it, as much as he might have thiugh it was what he wanted. It wasn't.

The responsibility to protect your son is yours - not his.

*He clearly has

I don't think you've done anything wrong but he just isn't quite sure of what he wants right now. Spending time with someone and actually living together are two different things, especially when a young child is involved so it is really better that he sorts his head out now rather than have you move in and then finds he can't settle. It's possible you might not like it that much either.

We humans are funny creatures, life isn't always straightforward. Just give him as much time and space as he wants but don't shut yourself off from anybody else who may be interested! He's not the only bloke in the pond.

I get that you miss him, that's sad; he probably misses you too but try to be casual-but-friendly when you hear from him.

You both sound like good people, just at the moment you want different things. Your son is the most important person in your life, though, I know you don't want him to feel anything but secure.

(My son is engaged to a young woman who was widowed, she has a (gorgeous!) child, seven years old right now, will be eight when they marry)

Thank you BlueRussian for such a lovely message, I know you are right it’s better to know now than later. I just really thought we could work through it and he would be in touch just because this was the only issue we had. Feeling like I’m never enough for someone to fight for and I’m running out of chances to find something great! That’s great news about your son and his fiancé, it gives me hope 🙂 x

Well rid but next time don't be so quick to introduce men to your child. They shouldn't be best buddies after less than a year

Honestly I wouldn't have him back (yes you're in control of that, he can click his fingers but you don't have to go running). You'll always have the worry of keeping him sweet and toeing the line/walking on eggshells incase he does this again. That's no way to live nor a healthy example of a relationship for your DC. He's just a bloke, plenty more out there who don't blow hot and cold for whatever reasons they'll justify.

You're worth better treatment than this

Thank you Sja88, yes it is good news. They will make a lovely family I think but this thread is about you: you will meet someone sooner or later, you're bound to but give yourself time to mend your heart from this.

Take it a bit slower next time.

I think this went waaay too fast — you and your four year old were essentially living with your boyfriend for significant periods after less than a year? While doing your finals? And you describe him as your best friend as well as your four year old’s best buddy?

Some people don't have the luxury of keeping it completely away from their children. Single parents, no support, are they truly meant to be alone until their kids are teens? Fuck that. We're mothers, not martyrs.

He's spoken his bit, just leave it as is. If he wants to try again, then put boundaries in. Don't live in each other's pockets, keep your own space, have him come to you.

Hard and fast is never ideal. Intensity cannot be maintained.

Cannot blame him for having second thoughts. So much happened in such a small space of time.

It's not about being a martyr. You can be a single parent and date with no support. You just have to be creative. I've had guys come here once I have got to properly know them after the dc's have gone to bed and out in the morning before I wake them up. They haven't seen each other. Dates when the dc's are in school. Then the dc's make friends and go on playdates and sleepovers. There are so many ways.

And guys that you want to hold onto, even for a bit, are the decent ones who understand why. The ones that don't well, see ya.

There were red flags that you ignored so you could stay drunk on the ‘happily ever after that he was selling’.

Thank fuck he ended it before you sacrificed you and your sons emotional well beings on the Soul mate alter.

I get the intoxicating high of new love but you have to be more cautious when you have a child.

He sounds a bit strange and I do think it all went too fast.

Does he work? I wondered because you bought paint and was going to give him a washer.

I have to wonder why you were over at his cleaning up for him? Ironing? Laundry? Washing up? Did he come over and clean your place?

You really don't have to audition for the wife role by doing those things.

I don't think you did anything to make him end things. I think relationships that start so fast, tend to end just as fast. It takes time to get to know someone beyond the initial fun times and limerence.

I know it went too fast but it just felt right, I tried my best to protect my son and thought I was doing all of the right things. I introduced him as my friend after 5 months and he would initially only come over after my son had gone to sleep, but as a single mother it was hard to keep everything separate. His father is very uninvolved and I guess I loved how well they got on and thought he was a great male role model for my son, I meant no harm to him.

He does have a job and his washing machine was on its way out so u just offered as mine was sitting in the garage. I didn’t do any of his cleaning or washing, he was very hands on with that perhaps a little too much.

I wish I hadn’t rushed I was just head over heels and truely wish I could go back so that I could slow down, I still think of him as a good guy.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong to this man at all, so please stop thinking like that. You did what you thought was right at the time, and if this relationship had been the right one for you then it would have worked out. You’re not ready to move on yet either- breaking up is painful. My advice to you (from experience) would be to stay calm, look after yourself and your lovely little boy and concentrate on some nice things for the two of you. I know it’s hard but you will get through this

It’s not you

It’s him and how he feels and his happiness . He has
Plain out said that he isn’t happy

Don’t torture yourself . We have all ended relationships with nice people
Because for various reasons it didn’t feel right

You and your son deserve someone happy

Thank you so much everyone for your advice and support. I just hope it starts to feel better soon and I stop getting this knot in my stomach. I just honestly thought after all the bad guys I’ve been with in the past that were not right for me that I had found a guy I could have a normal, happy life with that was drama free. All I can think about right now is that I want him back and that life was better with him in it.

But I’m hoping that as a bit of time goes on I’ll get out of my dream world and move on. My friends are busy with their lives and their relationships, I feel like I have nobody close to talk to about it.

“There is a word in German, Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. And the closest translation would be “lifelong treasure of destiny.”

And Victoria is wunderbar, but she is not my lebenslangerschicksalsschatz. She is my beinaheleidenschaftsgegenstand. You know?

It means “the thing that is almost the thing that you want, but it is not quite.”

Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It’s something that happens instantaneously. It causes swirling like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin.

Have you ever felt this way about someone?

If you have to think about it, you have not felt it. Everyone does eventually, you just never know when or where.”

– Klaus, How I Met Your Mother

Why on earth would you want him back? He's a controlling mind fuck. He's done you the biggest favour of your life, you just don't know it yet.

This!!!

Honestly be grateful, do not go back to him if/when he comes crawling back!!

I don't think he's controlling particularly, it just all went a bit fast and he's been honest that his feelings have changed. It's not nice when a relationship ends so I'm sorry OP but better to know now than in another year when your life's are even more knotted together.

I don’t feel like he was controlling I just feel like he struggled with living with someone because he had never done it before and liked things a certain way, he was a very anxious person. I messed it up by moving too fast but he acted like that’s what he wanted or suggested things.

Do you think there’s nothing I can do to amend things? I miss him so much I just want to curl up into a ball as pathetic as it sounds. I’m trying to be strong for sake of my son but struggling just because I genuinely never saw it coming.

You didn’t mess it up... why do you think this is your fault? He was happy with the rate at which it was progressing and suggesting more. Yes, you can learn from this about how you might want to allow future relationships to progress, but please stop blaming yourself for this one not working.

You might reconcile or you might not but honestly, the best thing you can do right now is give him space and concentrate on yourself.

What ElBurro said.