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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is my ex messaging me?

28 replies

Tilermad2019 · 15/11/2019 15:10

Hello I’ll try and keep this as neutral as possible although maybe I’m being unreasonable expecting people who don’t know us to be able to answer this. But I guess it’s easief than asking my friends.

I went out with my ex for a year. We knew each other through work. He broke up with me in the summer - was very firm that we wouldn’t get back together and that we were incompatible. We did used to argue a lot. At one point said “hopefully we can be friends once the dust settles” which I thought was a throwaway comment really out of politeness.

I didn’t hear anything from him for 8 weeks when I got a message out of the blue asking if we could be friends but he also understood if I didn’t want to or needed more time. I replied back a very neutral sure and I’m keeping well. Since then he messages me about every three days and we have long conversations by text and a couple on the phone. We’ve literally not gone more than three days without talking.

It feels like we really are friends now and we get along. But I suppose I’m just curious if that’s what he really wants. It does seem bizarre to me. And I do wonder if it can be just that.

Does he just want to be friends???

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 15/11/2019 15:12

It doesn't really matter what he wants.

What do you want?

Itsallgonewoowoo · 15/11/2019 15:13

Keeping you as back up

scrumptiousbears · 15/11/2019 15:18

Definitely trying to keep you as an option. Maybe he is hitting a dry spell. My ex did this to me.

I find and ex is an ex for a reason. Don't let it mess with your head.

Slomi · 15/11/2019 15:35

You're a back up OP! An ex of mine did exactly this. I didn't mind so much being what I thought was friends as I had no desire to actually get back with him but I enjoyed the conversations we had. However, he was most affronted when I had a child with someone else. I think his exact words were "I just never expected you to". Em, ok, bye Hmm

LittleWing80 · 15/11/2019 15:47

Sadly I agree with PPs. He has made it clear he doesn’t want a committed relationship. Clearly there was an attraction for you to have been together a year so he is kindly offering you one spot on his back burner.

PersephoneOP · 15/11/2019 16:26

He probably just wants to use you for booty calls, and since he was so firm that you weren't getting back together he knows you can't claim he's a bad guy when he cums and leaves

PlasticPatty · 15/11/2019 16:32

He wants an easy shag.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/11/2019 16:37

Clearly there was an attraction for you to have been together a year so he is kindly offering you one spot on his back burner.

Love this! and yeah. That's what he's doing. Keeping you on a low simmer as back up shag.

Bluerussian · 15/11/2019 16:42

You don't have to answer the phone to him or respond to his texts. If you refrain from both quite frequently, he won't be able to take you for granted (if that is his intention).

If you do eventually meet up, keep it casual, a coffee shop, sandwich, chat and go home on your own. No harm done there and both of you would have been behaving in a friendly way.

Please don't shag him (find someone else for that :-)).

fpurplea · 15/11/2019 16:43

Meh, I'll go against the grain on this one, exes staying in touch isn't always about being on the reserve bench. Not saying it doesn't happen, been there. Just if you're close enough to someone to be in a relationship with them for a year, take out the relationship part and you'd probably be friends anyway?

Guess it depends on the vibe you're getting off his messages OP. Are they pretty mundane messages that are just what friends would send, or are they a little flirty and alluding to your history? And probably most importantly, are you over him and ready to be "just friends?" Because if you do still have feelings for him, regardless of his intentions you're setting yourself up for pain for letting him back into your life.

Tilermad2019 · 15/11/2019 17:14

Ok Im hoping he still cares for me and wants to get back together. I’m not sure it’s conpletely that he’s keeping me as a back up - maybe testing the waters again? I am seeing other people in any case. But yeh I want to get back together although I am not going to tell him this. I guess maybe I’ll just cool the contact and move on.

OP posts:
Tilermad2019 · 15/11/2019 17:16

He’s made no move to shag me or use me as a booty call. We haven’t even met up and we’ve been chatting like this for 2 months now. I guess I was hoping he still had feelings for me.

OP posts:
Busybeebeebee · 15/11/2019 17:16

You’re being a mug. Friendship is only possible if you have no further feelings than that. He can probably sense you want to get back together and sees you as an easy option.
Get some self respect and stop replying.

Selfsettlingat3 · 15/11/2019 17:21

If he wanted you back he would be apologising and asking for you back. He’s not. It does not matter what else he wants here. It only matters that he wants something different and your going to get hurt because of this.

cacklingmags · 15/11/2019 17:29

Don't fall for it, he will only cause you pain again. If he wanted to get back with you there would be huge apologies, chocs and flowers and love you's. If that is not happening, he is a bad man who is softening you up for a back up shag.

TheVanguardSix · 15/11/2019 17:36

Weird.
Years ago, I would have been like, "Awww, what a decent bloke. He's still so kind and in touch and hasn't tried to shag her."
When someone wants you, OP, they want you. They don't sit on the fence, especially if he's already had a relationship with you.
Here's the truth: I do think he likes you as a friend. A lot. He just doesn't want to be together as a couple. Does he ever mention meeting up for a pint or a coffee? Just hanging out? Or is this just a phone-a-friend type of thing, where you hang out... on the phone?

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/11/2019 17:42

He’s using you for the girlfriend benefits of someone to chat to about his life - friendship and support - but he doesn’t want you.

You want him, so this set up isn’t good for you.

Tilermad2019 · 15/11/2019 19:29

Yes he may just be using me as a friend. I feel like he is going slow, testing the waters and not wanting to rush things in case it all blows up again. I guess only time will Tell. I will give it until the end of the year. That’s time enough. And I can just end his friendship then if so.

OP posts:
Scribblescribbles · 15/11/2019 19:35

Once he meets someone else you wont see or hear from him for dust. Don't put yourself through it wishing you'd get back together IMHO.

TimeForNewStart · 15/11/2019 19:35

If you argued a lot when you went out with each other it will be the same if you got back together.

Tilermad2019 · 15/11/2019 19:55

I know why people are saying that. But I’ve had counselling for the last 4 months and am not the same person I was. In fact it was my counsellor who suggested when he got in touch that I don’t just cut him off and that I be open to a friendship or whatever might or might not happen as she said I had processed a lot of stuff and I should move forward in whatever way that was. I of course don’t know if he has changed but a lot of our arguments were partly down to me.

OP posts:
middlemuddle · 15/11/2019 20:20

My ex tries to do this to me too, I just take a realllly long time to text him back or ignore him to try and give the hint

MarianaMoatedGrange · 15/11/2019 20:29

Does your ex know you're dating other people?

ghostfromholidaypast · 15/11/2019 21:04

He probably has a gf or someone he's seeing and keeping you sweet when he needs you.
When that moment comes your no because It will go from how you are now to missing you loads and wanting you real quick

sableandI · 15/11/2019 22:49

Maybe he misses you but is too afraid to say it.

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