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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is my ex messaging me?

28 replies

Tilermad2019 · 15/11/2019 15:10

Hello I’ll try and keep this as neutral as possible although maybe I’m being unreasonable expecting people who don’t know us to be able to answer this. But I guess it’s easief than asking my friends.

I went out with my ex for a year. We knew each other through work. He broke up with me in the summer - was very firm that we wouldn’t get back together and that we were incompatible. We did used to argue a lot. At one point said “hopefully we can be friends once the dust settles” which I thought was a throwaway comment really out of politeness.

I didn’t hear anything from him for 8 weeks when I got a message out of the blue asking if we could be friends but he also understood if I didn’t want to or needed more time. I replied back a very neutral sure and I’m keeping well. Since then he messages me about every three days and we have long conversations by text and a couple on the phone. We’ve literally not gone more than three days without talking.

It feels like we really are friends now and we get along. But I suppose I’m just curious if that’s what he really wants. It does seem bizarre to me. And I do wonder if it can be just that.

Does he just want to be friends???

OP posts:
holidays987 · 15/11/2019 23:01

He just wants to know you're there as an option for sex / ego boost if all his other (new ) options run dry. And wants to make sure he's still on your mind.

Do you really need or want him as a friend? It's quite a recent break up. You're probably still recovering.

fpurplea · 16/11/2019 12:06

Seriously, has no-one on here ever maintained a platonic friendship with an ex after a break up? Or indeed broken up and then got back together further down the line? I mean, maybe he is a dick who wants OP as back up. But maybe he's realised they get on better as friends, or he just has stronger feelings for someone else. And without knowing the situation, maybe friendship would evolve into something more over time, but absolutely OP, do not continue the friendship on the hope of this, this is definitely not the most likely scenario.

I mean, OP still wanting to get back together is the red line here, unless you can compartmentalise those feelings and accept that friendship is all he's prepared to offer, it's a bad idea to expose yourself to get hurt again. I personally think it might be a bit too soon too. I'm just shocked that the automatic reaction is, "he's stringing you along, bastard, cut ties completely." Men can be complex too?

RantyAnty · 16/11/2019 12:36

@fpurplea It's probably because of past experiences is why so many think that way. They usually are wanting to use you for something; shag, ego boost, money

OP, he broke up as he had found someone else. Now 8 weeks later, things aren't going so well with her, so he's trying to warm you up to use you again.

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