First time online dating and met an amazing guy

[Ifitisntbrokendontfixit]

So I'm a single mum of one beautiful DD. In the past I have ended up with 'men' that have ended up being very toxic, my dds father included. Putting my down, commenting on my appearance, sulking over sex and just being demanding. Anyway I done the freedom programme as I knew I had a problem.

Now I've signed up for online dating, my first time, started speaking to a really good looking man who seems so genuinely sweet and kind. No demanding that I send him pictures (my ex done this often) or back handed compliments just so nice. Only problem is im thinking could he be too good to be true. That bloke doesn't even think he is good looking, he accepts that people recognise it but doesn't see himself that way and I guess in a world full of guys thinking they're gods gift to man how have I seemly stumble onto this man. I know many of you will probably say just go for it if any red flags come up just leave and I should probably follow that advice, I think parts of me is worried that I'll end up in another emotionally abusive relationship.

Just take your time getting to know him before you meet him IRL. I spent a few weeks chatting to my online dating chap before I met him IRL as no-one bothers keeping an act up for that long. We're still together 3 years later!

Good luck!

Keep your dating life/relationships completely separate from your child until you know more about him.

Just take things slowly. Everyone can seem perfect online. He is only showing you his best qualities. He WILL have some bad qualities because he is human. You will get to know these over time and see if you are still happy. Definitely let go of the "he's perfect" thought. He is a human and you do not need to put him on a pedestal... This is one reason why women put up with abuse. So just go slowly. Don't make any decisions now about whether he is the one. Don't send nudes. Don't be quick to get into bed (I'm not making assumptions you will, just making it clear so you protect yourself). Enjoy some dates. Try not to go coo coo and keep a rational head and you should do fine to discern if he is a good man!

Youre trying to worl out whether hes a good person or not when the truth is you couldn't possibly know that yet.

Try and relax and enjoy getting to know him, but dont allow him into various parts of your life until you've had time to find out what he's really like.

Don't waste too much energy thinking about it.

Take a step back. You've had a chat with someone, you don't know if he's amazing, and you're not going to know for some time.

Take your time. He might well be a lovely person, or he might not even be the person in the picture. Arrange to meet for a coffee, somewhere neutral and safe, and go from there.

Have you met him yet?

@cakeandchampagne oh anyone who I decide to date certainly wouldn't be meeting my DD for a long long time. Love of my life and nothing will come before her. Perhaps that's what worries me, at some point bringing someone into her life, maybe it isn't this guy but I'll guess I'll know one day when that time is and until then I shouldnt worry about it as that's in my control.

I disagree entirely with PPs saying to take your time chatting to him online etc before meeting. The only thing to come of that will be you’ll over-invest in an “image” of him, so when you do meet you’ll be inclined to not be able to make a genuine assessment of whether he’s genuine/whether there’s a spark/if he’s right for you.

The rule of thumb for OLD is exchange a few brief messages, meet soon after for a quick coffee, then take it from there.

Do NOT get drawn into long message-based conversations lasting weeks, during which you get emotionally invested. You’ve got a history of ending up with the wrong sort of man so please don’t risk that happening again.

Completely opposite a previous poster’s advice - don’t take your time chatting online to him before meeting. Arrange a time to meet for a coffee within the next week or so. Anybody can pretend to be anyone online, it’s easy to write sweet and kind messages and put your best self forward in text. The problem with spending weeks “getting to know” someone in messages (apart from the fact that you could meet and realise you aren’t at all attracted to him - or even that the photos he’s used were taken ten years and four stone lighter ago) is that you’ll convince yourself he’s perfect and then be more likely to overlook any flaws or red flags when you eventually do meet because you’ll feel so invested already.

You don’t need to rush anything after that. Just always be alert to what somebody is saying when they talk. Always ask yourself - “why are they telling me this?” Why would someone want you to know he doesn’t think he’s very attractive even though people tell him he is? And so on.

This man seems fine but you don’t know him. In fact, he seems like just a baseline of what you would expect from someone? It’s not super amazingly unbelievable for him to have not demanded pictures or negged you already. That should be the bare minimum you expect from someone. You sure you’re not seeing any old guy as fantastic just cos he’s not actively a dick?

Anyways, meet him with him in a week or two for a quick coffee, don’t invest loads of time chatting online cos you might not click anyway. Don’t tell him about any difficult past relationships or abuse, or about being cautious or wary. Just go for coffee and stay away from heavy topics and see how it feels. And for the love of god don’t convey to him that you’re somehow impressed by him already.

I agree that you should meet asap.
Take it slowly, keep messaging, but also meet him regularly. See if words match actions.
Have sex/don't have sex, it's your call. If you do, do it for you, not to keep him.

Also be very aware that your bar is still set very low. A stranger writing kind messages and not demanding you send them naked photos does not qualify them to be described as “an amazing man.” It’s the bare minimum you expect from a strange man on a dating site! Don’t convince yourself he must be wonderful because he’s just behaving as any civilised human being should anyway.

He's not amazing because he didn't ask for nude pics! meet ASAP for a brief daytime date before you start idealising him via endless messages. I do OLD now and then, and I find a quick meet up saves a lot of wasted time and energy.

Sometimes when men don’t ask for photos it’s because the one they’ve shown is either not them or from 1992. They want to avoid having to send more.

Like pp said meet him ASAP in a public place.

I was going to reply but saw that I was pretty much going to repeat @ComtesseDeSpair's first message.
Meet a for s quick coffee to see him in the flesh. Until then it could be anyone. Also if there's no chemistry at all then you know to move on!

As PP have said, quick coffee in a public place middle of the day (so no "just go back to yours" pressure) with a pre-defined end point.

Also as PP have said, polite and respectful with no dick pics is not "perfect", it's bare minimum.

Apply the "waiting staff" test - how does he treat people whose income is dependent on his custom? Gives a far better all round picture than how he treats one person he's (currently) keen to impress.

How does he talk about past relationships? Does he seem to respect his exes and portray them as reasonable people with whom things didn't work out? Or are they all two timing bitches from hell?

Watch carefully how he reacts if you say no to him over something.

And keep an eye on your own emotional responses: be very aware that you may be trying to date too soon if you've come out of an abusive relationship.

Always remember the risk that if you've escaped a 10 out of 10 bastard, a 7 out of 10 may come across to you initially as an improvement - because your twat-dar won't be working accurately yet.

Remember that no matter how much you chat online and feel like you've got a connection you don't really know him, and won't for some time.

Personally I think the longer you chat online, the more you can build up a false picture in your mind. I'd meet a few times in a coffee shop, or somewhere safe and easy for a short date, and build up your impression from the meetings.

Yes! polish up your twatdar for OLD! and the 'say no to something' test is a good one. Also how he treats staff. BarbaraStrozzi is spot on with these early indicators.

There’s so much more to a relationship than whether the guy knows he’s good looking or not. You can’t give the whole thing the green light based on his modesty.

Just take your time and see what happens. It sounds like you’re looking for permission to throw yourself into it head first, and that’s not a good idea. Just see what happens.

LIke others said don't chat online for weeks. It just builds up a fantasy.

See if he'll facetime/skype for 5 . minutes. Then you can actually see if he matches his picture and hear his voice.

Another one saying meet him or at least speak to him. It's easy to be perfect in messages, less so IRL.
Meet somewhere safe, for a cup of tea or coffee and keep it brief.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Just be careful, chat for a short time and then meet. Some guys are amazing at chatting and then not so good face to face (cocky or crap at listening..or no chemistry).

People always put their best photos up too which don't show their flaws, as do I too (I don't use filters though). They can look different face to face.

He might be very nice, but have an open mind, people can act differently when you meet them.

It amazes me how many post photos that if that is their best, god knows what they are really like, or a photo of them with a woman or part of a woman, or with their kids, or in sunglasses.

Be careful what you tell someone you meet/message thru OLD. Don't give too much information about yourself or your past.
Watch out for things like him having no contact with his DC, or his ex being a psycho and other red flags.

If he is a player or something he will probably be good at hiding it. He may be married or living with, and you may be the vulnerable type he is looking for for a quick fling.

Sorry for being so negative but keep your eyes, ears and spidey senses wide open, and Good Luck.

Well done on sorting yourself out. You seem lovely.

Have you met in real life? Your post sounds like you have only been chatting. Pls don't make decisions based on a photo and some messages. The photos may not even be his.

Look this might work out beautifully, but just be mindful that online things are not always as they seem.

I am worried by your naivety. This is a complete stranger. You don't know him, you know nothing about him and you've not even met, yet you're describing how you've met an amazing man on OLD. How do you know he's good looking? He might be an overweight, bald, pensioner with photos from a Brad Pitt look alike he's snided from the internet.

I could give you loads of OLD stories of good looking men who can write a good message but for various reasons I ran for the hills and never looked back.

Don't get into endless messages, arrange to meet ASAP and meet in a public place and take it from there. Also remember even at the meeting point, they're all strangers and you owe them nothing!!