First time online dating and met an amazing guy

[Ifitisntbrokendontfixit]

So I'm a single mum of one beautiful DD. In the past I have ended up with 'men' that have ended up being very toxic, my dds father included. Putting my down, commenting on my appearance, sulking over sex and just being demanding. Anyway I done the freedom programme as I knew I had a problem.

Now I've signed up for online dating, my first time, started speaking to a really good looking man who seems so genuinely sweet and kind. No demanding that I send him pictures (my ex done this often) or back handed compliments just so nice. Only problem is im thinking could he be too good to be true. That bloke doesn't even think he is good looking, he accepts that people recognise it but doesn't see himself that way and I guess in a world full of guys thinking they're gods gift to man how have I seemly stumble onto this man. I know many of you will probably say just go for it if any red flags come up just leave and I should probably follow that advice, I think parts of me is worried that I'll end up in another emotionally abusive relationship.

You say you’ve ‘met’ an amazing guy but have you actually met?

You haven't met him though, have you ?

Many many years ago when I did OLD for a short period I learnt several things, its easy to have a connection , but the minute you see their stance or hear them speak or dress sense etc, you realise you may well like them but simply don't fancy them these things are impossible to tell from a photo- the reverse is true also of course. Hence do not invest loads of mental energy in someone you haven't met.

There's some really amazing advice here...... Especially this from @ComtesseDeSpair "Always ask yourself - “why are they telling me this?”"

This is a really sound piece of advice. You should be a little bit suspicious of anyone you meet to begin with when it comes to OLD, spend your time working them out..... People have to earn your trust and learn to get to know you..... the genuine ones will be patient in letting you do this.

Meet sooner rather than later, long drawn out conversations just build up a false sense of connection, which as many have already mentioned, can make you discount red flags and gloss over how someone is behaving.

I've been there, done that got the t-shirt. I've worked really hard on my boundaries for the last 2 years and I don't always get it right but having clear boundaries helps you make better decisions.

Good luck - don't forget to treat dating in the beginning that you are meeting a friend for the first time and take it from there.

🌈

Interesting that when you say why you like him the first point is that he's good looking.

Unfortunately, I am concerned about your judgement. You have an admitted history of abusive relationships, and claim to have new insight, but you're calling a man you've never even met "amazing" and "kind." You don't know him at all. Not even a little bit, yet you're heaping praise upon him that he hasn't earned. Put the brakes on and behave rationally.

If you haven’t met him (it doesn’t sound like you have?) meet him ASAP. Anyone can come across well over messages, thinking he is ‘amazing’ is definitely jumping the gun as there may be any number of unpleasant things about him.
I am a fairly experienced online dater and have never been asked for, or received any ‘pictures’. It shouldn’t be remarkable that he hasn’t asked for any.
I recently met someone who really was the perfect gentleman over messages. He did indeed seem like a lovely guy but there wasn’t that spark. So don’t build this up so much, you might not even like him. Just be sensible, meet him, look out for red flags.
PS if he seems very keen before you have met, that in itself is a red flag, in my opinion...

Always remember the risk that if you've escaped a 10 out of 10 bastard, a 7 out of 10 may come across to you initially as an improvement - because your twat-dar won't be working accurately yet.

Very good advice. This is very much how your op comes across.

Meet him.

I spoke to afew different guys online, all seemed lovely... Blah blah,

Met them and just... No....

I think you sound quite naive...
Only because the good points you’ve mentioned are pretty much only the absence of red flag traits.
You can’t tell if someone is genuinely sweet and kind from a few messages, it’s simply impossible.
Go steady .

Me and my fiance started talking via a dating site, within afew days there was phone calls and then video calls. We lived 80 miles apart.... The video calls were definitely a better way to communicate, as i could see him in the flesh, in his surroundings and his body language.

We met after 2/3 weeks and luckily he was lovely....

Has he mentioned / keen on meeting?
Meet and then go from there

If people didn’t seem lovely online before meeting, nobody would ever get a date! So lovely messages really don’t mean anything. Tread carefully...

Meet him but something very casual like a coffee.

From a mans perspective it seems too good to be true and he's casting his fishing line and hoping to catch you. The advice about meeting up sooner rather than later is correct so you don't invest too much emotional energy without knowing it's going to be worthwhile. Hope for success but equally prepare for disapointment.

We have had a few Skype calls but not actually met in person. My focus on him being good looking stems from the fact that this was my ex, good looking, kind, no red flags and yet turned into the biggest arsehole over the course of a couple of years.

He does seem genuinely kind, but like some of you have said if I've mainly been out with twats then just someone who is decent will seem like Gods gift to man. Perhaps im just not ready to date yet, if I'm waiting for someone to become a twat then I'm just always living on the edge and that's not fair for them or I. And by that I mean Im not just taking things as they come, almost waiting for the mask to slip, and like many of you have said no one is perfect.

I met one person online dating, love you very early, doing his ironing within a month!! Very intense. We are together eight years, married and he is amazing! I love him, he loves me, treats me as a wife, person. Supported my career, taken my girls as his own. Yes too good to be true... Go with it, protect your yourself but if its good it's good

Have you arranged to meet ? I agree with other PPs, talking online for weeks can lead to you building up an idea of them in your head and then you can end up disappointed when you meet them in person.

I'd say to be wary for the first couple of months, I know it's easy to say though. I dated a guy for a month who I thought was so lovely, sweet and kind. I'd been in abusive relationships where i'd been insulted and just treated like crap.
He was so sweet, but then ended up doing something pretty bad and just suddenly stopped caring about me. I realised I didn't really know him at all and that anyone can act 'lovely' at first. It shocked me and hurt a lot but taught me a good lesson.

But that said, I hope he does turn out to be as nice as he seems and it works out, good luck. 💐

@BarbaraStrozzi

Always remember the risk that if you've escaped a 10 out of 10 bastard, a 7 out of 10 may come across to you initially as an improvement - because your twat-dar won't be working accurately yet.

Frickin ADORE this!

May I quote you in my writing?

OP

Youve massively contradicted yourself here

My focus on him being good looking stems from the fact that this was my ex, good looking, kind, no red flags and yet turned into the biggest arsehole over the course of a couple of years.

He wasn't nice. He APPEARED to be. That's the narc facade at work. Also you would not BELIEVE how many people who have tangled with Narcs and now know it say the possessive 'MY Narc'

You're not doing that but yoube not quite tumbled to why you were abused in the first place.

OLD is rammed with narcs. Rammed. It's entirely possible you have a decent man but it's also very probable he is a narc with more patience than most.

I'm always here. Reach out if you need me.

Not at all renarde - I can't claim ownership because I think I borrowed it from a thread on here.

What Aquamarine said.