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Original poster

Just found out best friend crossed boundaries with husband back we were dating

38 replies

ApproximatelyOld · 15/11/2019 02:36

So DH and I have been married for 5 years with kids and I've been best friends with said friend for 15 years, she's married 3 years and has kids.

Recently in the spirit of openness, DH decided to tell me that, 8 years ago, while I was away in another country for a few months, during the time we were dating, 2 years into our relationship, my best friend met up with him and asked him to let her know why he chose me.

He expressed that convo was her essentially saying that they were closer n terms of friendship and I was the one on the sidelines, and she was surprised by us getting into a relationship. He said what he perceived from the undertones was that she had feelings for him, and he feels the question confirmed that. He never had feelings for her though nor was attracted to her.

I of course was livid at the revelation and felt so so hurt and disrespected that my best friend could crossed such boundaries. To go and have this kind of conversation behind my back, a convo which I felt was her essentially asking why he chose me not not her.
Nothing happened between them, but I'm hurt that she would even do this. If you had feelings and he's now with me, you go to the grave with them and not give any inclination whatsoever. The ship has sailed your time is done, don't bring it up, I feel.

He's expressing though that, he thinks the question of why I was chosen not her, if done out of curiosity, for closure or for clarity isn't wrong. And he doesn't see anything wrong with it, especially if the question led him to praise me and big me up.

I think it was a grossly inappropriate convo to have with your best friend's boyfriend and I'm also hurt by the fact that he even entertained it and cannot see anything wrong with the question. Am I silly to feel this way?

OP posts:
MamaWeasel · 15/11/2019 02:53

Meh..... I couldn't get worked up over it tbh. But I am not you :)

Windmillwhirl · 15/11/2019 03:00

Why do you think she asked? Curiosity or to potentially open the floodgates for him to professing he liked her?

It wouldn't bother me, personally. Maybe she was having self esteem issues and genuinely was curious.

FridalovesDiego · 15/11/2019 03:02

I think your DH is a twat. Why bring it up? Does he have low self esteem generally “she really fancies me......” I bet your friend’s take is really different (and a non-event)

fallfallfall · 15/11/2019 03:03

You weren’t married, it was just a question. Nothing happened.
This makes you sound insecure in both relationships and a touch needy.

fallfallfall · 15/11/2019 03:04

I agree I don’t understand his need to mention this.

CookieDoughKid · 15/11/2019 03:07

God let it go. Don't sink all these years over a question and quite possibly it is closure, well then even better! Don't be so insecure you have a great dh that wasn't tempted!!

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 15/11/2019 03:12

q

PhannyPharts · 15/11/2019 13:25

I'm really surprised people are telling you to let it go?

My supposed friend asks my husband why he chose me and not her? What genuinely decent reason could she have for asking him that?

BeThere · 15/11/2019 13:29

What a bitch! So your best friend waits until you're out of the country to meet up with your boyfriend of 2 years to basically tell him she's a better match for him. Oh and if he'd agreed, she would have been happy to just take him from you? It was a really long time ago, and probably a bit pointless bringing it up now but I would be seriously pissed off at her for that

Thestrangestthing · 15/11/2019 13:29

For a start why did he meet up with her? If he thought she had feeling for him and then this conversation confirmed this to him, why would he meet up with her while you were away.
Also why did he feel like he had to mention this to you so many years later.
Agree I think your dh is the bigger twat here.

Tonkerbea · 15/11/2019 13:32

OP, I'd be hurt too.

It says quite a bit about your friends character!

Herland · 15/11/2019 13:38

Did she specifically ask "why Approximately and why not me?" or did she say "why approximately?". The first invites comparison and is usually done by those with low self-esteem. The second invites praise of her friend and could have been her way of checking his intentions?

Either way I would way this information up in the context of your whole relationship. If she has years of supporting and loving you under her belt then I would give her the benefit of the doubt. If there is a pattern of unsupportive behaviour I would ditch her.

I'd also have a wee think about why husband felt to mention this now. What's going on for him and your relationship that this felt like a good time to tell you this.

Herland · 15/11/2019 13:39

Weigh... Ffs ☺️

OverthinkingThis · 15/11/2019 13:54

Reading it at face value I'd find this hard to to get too worked up about tbh. From your thread title I thought you were going to say they slept together!
The more interesting question is what suddenly prompted your DH's 'spirit of openness'?

ChristmasFluff · 15/11/2019 14:18

I'd be more wondering about why he's decided to say this now too.

It's a bit dodgy that she asked while you were out of the country, but with my friends, I can't imagine any of them would have 'designs' on a partner of mine anyway - so is this just the latest in a bunch of things she's let you down on that you do think she might have?

A friend of mine once dated someone very soon after he had broken up with me - she asked me if I was ok with it, and I was, and we socialised together in group situations often. I can imagine if they'd been long-term, I might have one day asked him why her and not me, because I really think we were better suited! Not that I would ever have done anything more than ask the question. Could it be something like that?

Interestedwoman · 15/11/2019 14:25

Despite what some PP's said- yes, I would be annoyed and I think most people would! Your friend effectively tried to steal your boyf/tested the waters to see if he was up for it.

I suppose you might be able to forgive her and consider it in the past- some people wouldn't be able to, though. It was beyond cheeky.

Herland · 15/11/2019 14:37

But we don't actually know that she tried to "steal" her boyfriend.
The op states:
my best friend met up with him and asked him to let her know why he chose me.

He said what he perceived from the undertones was that she had feelings for him

The convo between friend and boy could have gone like this:

"So why are you seeing Approx, what do you like about her?"

And boyf has perceived that must mean she's after him. Because let's face it lots of men don't really need much in the way of encouragement to be convinced that women find them irresistible.

There are too many" thinks" and "perceives" and maybes in his account for me to take it as gospel. Hence the notion of looking at both relationships in the whole.

Anotherlongdrive · 15/11/2019 14:42

To me your husband sounds dodgy as fuck telling you this.

From what I can gather, you were all friends and then you and him started dating. She simply asked, why you? He has concluded she meant why not her?

I would be asking g why he met up with her, if he knew she liked him and why is he telling you this now.

It's been years. He has hidden this for years and now brought it up?

I wouldn't be that fuming. I would imagine 2 friends met up, she wondered (maybe had a few drinks) asked a question that she may have pondered.

She may have had a cruch on him before you got together, but have been over it by then

I think your husband is trying to create some drama.

Ruderidinghood · 15/11/2019 14:48

I think she may have just been curious. I think hub is trying to get a rise out of you. If you and he weren't close which you implied by saying you were on the sidelines, then maybe she was just surprised because she never perceived you two as close. Also maybe if she was single at the time and dating wasnt working out for her she was trying to figure out what was going on or how she was being perceived.

You can ask her what she meant by it, but she may not even remember the conversation if there was nothing in it for her.

allyjay · 15/11/2019 14:51

So you were all one group of friends initially and him and her were closer? That's how it reads. If that is the case then I don't think it's as big a deal as you and him getting together, you introducing him to your best friend then a couple of years down the line her confronting your DH with that question.

Spied · 15/11/2019 14:52

Your DH is the grossly inappropriate one.
Why bring this up now?
Does he need his ego stroking?

WillLokireturn · 15/11/2019 14:57

It's all very strange - the context of how, and what exact!y was said, makes a lot of difference. But most bizarre is after 8 years your DH tells you? He's neither totally honest nor kind, because he's have told you nearer the time or not at all. What's his angle for telling now?
Is there a reason he's stirring now?

frazzledasarock · 15/11/2019 14:59

Has your friend ever done anything to make you feel she would compete with you for men and attention?

If you’ve never had any problems with your friend previously I’d privately ask her about this.

I also can’t see any good reason why your husband has decided to be open about it now. The time to be open would have been eight years ago.

Frankola · 15/11/2019 15:00

Your DH is in the wrong here. He should not have brought this up now. So long after the fact.

Be a gentleman ffs.

Salene · 15/11/2019 15:04

I'm surprised he told you what's to gain from it. I wouldn't get overly worked up about it

Let sleeping dogs lie.

I think he is a twat though for telling you.