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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out last night hubby been texting explicit stuff to sister

108 replies

Tomtomx · 14/11/2019 23:28

Hi

I am new here. Looking for opinions please.

So for the past 7 months my husband of 5 years has been messaging my big sister. My sis is 10 years older than us both.
So at first it was normal chat and she replied. Then flirty chat such as commenting on her face and body. After that my sister shut him down . Bear in mind she calles my husband her little brother and has done for years. She never told me and her reason was because she did not want to hurt me. And was hoping it was my hubby being stupid and he would get the hint.

He then started messaging her and insulting our sex life. Something like. " I have needs that my wife cannot meet, i have tried no point. I feel embarrassed asking her for something. I am a man i have needs i cannot help it, stronger than others. I think about doing it with others, your picture is not helping, take it off. "Tell me how to fix this problem, can you help me, i have always been into all types of women not just one (meaning sleeping with more than one). Sometimes i wish i married the wrong sister, see it is thoughts like that. Your husband is lucky to have you". Stay pretty. My wife use to wear nail polish not anymore, i miss it. Do you wear it. You look about 18, not 35. Can you help me tell me what to do with these desires and thoughts. Its fine maybe i should work on bringing the spark back in my marriage. Please dont tell my wife she will end the marriage. I am ashamed but i am a good man deep inside i just have needs. When she would ignore messages. He would say "i am having problems with my wife just need someone to talk to".

All chats were initiated by him. My sister shut him down and also told him to speak to me if there are issues there.

She saved the chat on her phone. And showed me telling me she did not wanna hide it any longer
He deleted his chat.
I feel like he was trying to get her to flirt back or try and sleep with her.
Telling her heels and nails are hot does she wear nailpolish. Wish he was older.
His response is.. it was just friendly chat and then i was just joking to get a reaction out of her. I do not fancy your sister never have. I lied and said we have problems in our marriage so she would give a reaction. It was entertainment for me. Yeah now that i look back it was probably flirting he says. But he says he had no intention to sleep with her. And that our sex life is fine. Yet he told my sister it isnt and showed her that he wanted her. Seems like he created fake marital issues in order to justify his flirting and potential affair with my sis. (My sis would never sleep with a man she calls her little brother.

The thing is my husband has been texting and deleting messages off his phone. She was innocent with her texts so saved them there.
She says she messaged him as a brother and then realised he was flirting so blocked him and was afraid she would ruin our marriage if she spoke up.

What do you make of all this.
When she would ignore him he would text " where were you hiding" and then the texts off him start again.

What made my sister tell me is that she unblocked him with the hope that he as a grown man got the message that he crossed the line. 24hrs after being unblocked from 5 weeks of being blocked.

He texts "did you block me"
She lied and said her whatsapp was not working and she lied and said she had family issues to fix.

"Ok i have been having some issues myself so i know what u mean i am here if you need to talk"
She texts saying ok.

"I did something big" OH
"What. Sis
"God forgives me i hope" OH
"Omg you cheated on my sister" sis
"It makes me happy. OH
"I have to tell her it feels like i am betraying her if i don't" Sis

"No don't besides you dont know what i am talking about" OH

'She will find out you know" Sis

"What she does not know cannot hurt her"OH

"did you cheat" sis

"I CANNOT confirm or deny" OH

So now OH says he has not cheated (he goes to work and comes home and eats out and plays snooker so i dont think he has cheated. Hope i am right. He says he did it to get a reaction off her..

How did my OH not worry that my sis would eventually tell me all the texts he sent?

If he was going to flirt and hint at her for sex, why choose my lovely loved up with her OH sister and not some lady at work etc??

He played with fire. And was not afraid?

He says he was bored and friendship led to flirting but he does not fancy her or wants to sleep with her. Not has cheated? Or has he?

What is all this? Is he crazy. How did he act like he was not flirting with her when she was around in person yet do it on text. Like two different people.

If OH can flirt and attempt to hint for sex with my sister. Surely he can do this with a random lady.

So now he is begging me to forgive him. But not going to lie. I am hurt. I feel inadequate, lied to, deceived, like how he has been sneaking around to text. Thoughts? Do i let it go.

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 15/11/2019 06:34

My ex was like this.

Not with my sister but with just about every other woman I know.

He's had 20+ relationships since we split up 15 years ago and hasn't been faithful to 1 of them, not 1

Bin him OP, they don't change, and life is so much better without him

MsChatterbox · 15/11/2019 06:37

Honestly it sounds like he was getting off on sexually harassing your sister and making her feel uncomfortable. I would leave.

Redwinestillfine · 15/11/2019 06:45

Your poor sister. It does sound like he was stalking her. She did the right thing telling you. Neither of you deserve this.

titnomatani · 15/11/2019 06:49

Wtf are you still doing with this creepy, pathetic, sorry excuse of an immature 'man'? Kick him out- he's not just played with fire, he's tried to start it as close to home as possible. Get your dignity and self-respect back OP and show him you mean business.

shearwater · 15/11/2019 06:55

What would I make of it?

A fine divorce settlement.

FavouriteSoul · 15/11/2019 07:15

He's a pathetic sleazy creep and you need to get him out of your life. Your poor sister, being harassed like that! The only way forward is to end your marriage now. He's disgusting. Bleating on about his 'needs' - how ridiculous does he sound? I'm embarrassed on his behalf. What a twat.

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2019 07:28

Why would you stay with him for 5 more minutes? Seriously.

MrsAgassi · 15/11/2019 07:36

I wouldn’t waste the energy trying to get over that, my energy would be spent packing his bags.

He’s some special kind of muppet to send those messages to your own sister, shows how desperate he is (to cheat). I suspect he already has.

I’m sorry OP but he’s vile, save yourself years of heartache and leave him now.

OMGshefoundmeout · 15/11/2019 07:46

I would bet good money that your sister is not the first person he has sent messages like that to. She’s just the first person who has showed you them. The fact that he felt confident enough to behave like this with your sister indicates that he has done this before and got away with it and his sleazy messages have actually worked for him and resulted in sexual contact with other people. It seems obvious to me that he is not a good husband and you should cut your losses and get out while you are still young.

One thing that troubles me is that some of the wording of your OP and the texts read as if English is not your families first language. If that is the case and you come from another part of the world how supportive will your family be to you leaving your husband and making a fresh start? It is always difficult to break up and even more so if you don’t have a good network around you. You might need to rely on friends and colleagues if your family won’t be understanding (although your sister sounds great).

hellsbellsmelons · 15/11/2019 07:57

Jeez - what a slimy, sleazy, scumbag he is!
It's actually made my skin crawl reading that.
How could you even begin to forgive something like this?
How could you even let him touch you again?
This won't stop because 'HE HAS NEEDS' (dickhead)
He will keep doing this.
He will continue to cheat because he thinks his needs take top priority.
The brazenness for his texts to your DSis are just astounding.
He's vile.
He's a creep.
He's a liar.
He's a cheat.
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

incognitomum · 15/11/2019 08:01

Ewwww what a slimy creep

Mrsmadevans · 15/11/2019 08:03

What a lovely sister you have. She must have been through such a terrible time bless her. Only you can decide what to do about your horrible horrible DH.

loobyloo1234 · 15/11/2019 08:11

He's a pig. If you are still with him by the end of the day, more fool you.

LittleLongDog · 15/11/2019 08:17

At worst: he’s a cheater and a liar.

At best: he is playing horrible manipulative mind games with both you and your sister.

Do you want either of those men to be your husband?

NotStayingIn · 15/11/2019 08:20

You can’t seriously consider staying? If you let this go you do know that you will have nothing but the same in your future? Shits like this don’t magically become great husbands. To put up with this at 25 (or any age of course) is utter madness. If you want a shit life: stay. If you want to find someone who will treat you with respect: leave. And learnt to value yourself higher then this so you will never consider staying with such losers again. Flowers

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 15/11/2019 08:22

He is an attention seeking man child OP ....thing is he has forgotton that blood is thicker than water.Good on your sister for doing the right thing.I personally dont think he has cheated but he is playing a stupid game and he needs to grow up and act like a man....such daft odd awful behaviour.Have a word OP and make him understand that you will not tolerate it.Point out he has embarrassed you and himself more and he also needs to apologise to your sister.Prat he is.

Neolara · 15/11/2019 08:24

Why on earth would you let this go? He obviously wants you to know he's interested in others and sleeping around because he's involved your sister. If you do let this go, you're effectively telling him he can go off with anyone he likes to do whatever he likes at any point and you'll let him back. That's not a life I would choose to have with a partner

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 15/11/2019 08:24

Jesus get rid!!! I would be more inclined to understand you wanting to stay with a repentant husband who’d cheated with one stranger: this situation is so disgusting on levels greater than cheating. The disrespect for you and your family, basically laughing at you by trying to convince you his messages are normal. Without even knowing you I can safely say you can do better.

Original poster
Tomtomx · 15/11/2019 08:49

Thank you so much for this many replies. I have not read them all yet as I am feeding baby. We have a 4 year old DD too for someone who asked if he have kids.

I have already thrown him out the minute she showed me. And this man keeps denying his intentions trying to crawl back in. I still feel like i am in a shitty ass dream. A big shock to my system for sure. He keeps begging and lying and making excuses. If i block him he emails me. If I block him he turns up at the door. Or sits in his car and watches. God knows what. He is a leech. He keeps telling me he will do a lie detector test and prove it that it all was a sick joke.

I am f**king tired.

I know he believed my sister would either keep his secret or sleep with him eventually through his compliments and feeling sorry for him with his messed up lies about us. He loved the attention. And would you believe it I said he is a smartHmm educated primary school teacher. And english is his first language for someone who asked me.

I am sending him this thread so feel free to add.

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomtomx · 15/11/2019 09:19

Can someone send me a link to this thread. I have no idea how to send it to him as I logged in through my email app. Thanks.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/11/2019 09:21

@Tomtomx are you on the MN Talk app on your phone? If so, swipe across on the blue banner at the top (that contains the title) and press share

glitterfarts · 15/11/2019 09:23

Don't send him this thread, Use it as a support for you.

Email him once and tell him clearly to stop emailing, ringing, texting, calling, sitting outside your house in the car or coming to the door. You will report him to the police for harrassment if he continues and then do so.
Don't let him stalk you.

File for divorce asap, file for an occupation order if you own the house, or ask landlord to remove him from the tenancy if you rent.
Apply for benefits today as a single person.

He doesn't have your trust, doesn't have your back, has put you at risk sexually, and your health, ask literally would have sex with any female who says yes. Ew. Get rid and stay rid

Mistlewoeandwhine · 15/11/2019 09:47

He’s already been unfaithful to you in multiple ways. Get rid. And get a STD test.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 15/11/2019 09:53

could women's aid help you?

You are describing a stalker, his behaviour is increasingly worrying.

Smotheroffive · 15/11/2019 10:57

You will lose your space for support if you give him access to it.

Yiu may feel you need others voices to tell him, but you don't.

There's nothing you need to say, just to text email or whatever that he neeeds to leave you alone or you will involve the police, which includes coming to the house, stalking, further texts or emails, etc

You are in an upset state right now and need space from.him, not least because you are the carer of a young family

Every strength and love to you Flowers