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Original poster

Ex H moving in with girlfriend

54 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/11/2019 22:53

Have posted about my ex before who is quite frankly a total twat. Controlling and abusive throughout our marriage and is acting the same towards my daughter who is 16. She has gone low contact with him as she's fed up of how he treats her.

She found out last weekend that he's moving in with his GF of just over a year. When she goes to stay with him she'll be sleeping in a makeshift dining room bedroom. Also her house is a lot further away from the school she goes to and it's going to make the school run around an hour.

I feel like he's not putting her first in this scenario - there was no consultation about it, he just dropped it on her at a week's notice. My other objection is that I've never even met this woman who is now going to be living with my daughter part time. He doesn't seem to think there's any need for us to meet.

I have remarried but went about things in a totally different way - we were together for 5 years before he moved in with me and my ex met him lots of times.

Am I wrong to think this is a recipe for disaster and it's going to push my daughter further away from her dad?

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 15/11/2019 00:05

You are correct he is not thinking about your dd just himself unfortunately other than pointing this out to him and supporting your dd there's nothing you can do about it.
It's pretty shitty thought

Auberjean · 15/11/2019 08:27

Not great. If he was selfish and inconsiderate in the marriage, then he hasn't changed, has he?

However if they are low contact it's not likely to have a significant effect from a practical viewpoint, as she won't be staying over that often.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/11/2019 08:32

She doesn't have to stay over at the GF house.
If she is low contact why is she staying over at all?
Could she confine her visits to weekends only so it doesn't impact her school run?
I can see where you are coming from.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it.
A selfish man will always be selfish.

pog100 · 15/11/2019 08:35

It's not clear how often she stays over but I would think this is a great time to cut it to a bare minimum. She's old enough to make her own choices here.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/11/2019 08:38

She's old enough to say she's not going.

ColaFreezePop · 15/11/2019 08:46

The most important part of your post is the fact your daughter is 16.

She is the one who gets to decide how much contact and communication she has with her father. He can't take you to court for any more because of her age.

So if she doesn't want to stay over anymore that's her choice. You need to just back her up with any decisions she makes pointing out she has exams to study for, her own hobbies and has her own group of friends.

Blobby10 · 15/11/2019 08:53

My exH bought a house with his girlfriend and they are now married. No provisions for our kids to stay with him ('kids' all young adults) and its really put their noses out of joint! Don't get me wrong, they aren't spoiled brats about it but all feel hurt that he is pushing forward with his new life without any regard for them and how they fit in.
Its very very hard for me to keep my mouth shut and not denegrate him in front of them (as I think ex is an insensitive twat) but I have made a point of keeping out of it. They know they will always have their own rooms at my house, I have always said I won't live with anyone else and it will be their home until they have their own. If he only wants to see them now and then, it's his loss.!

Your daughter is old enough to decide for herself what she wants to do. Sleepovers at her age aren't necessary or compulsory if she doesn't want them!

funnylittlefloozie · 15/11/2019 08:57

I always wonder if some of these posts could be about my exH... but not this one. He's been with his GF for three years, and she won't let him move in (she is a wiser woman than i am)!

My DD is 17 and she arranges her own visitation with her dad. Yours doesnt have to see him if she doesn't want to. Does he live so far away that any visitation HAS to be an overnight?

IncrediblySadToo · 15/11/2019 09:03

Yes he’s a twat, but that shouldn’t come as any surprise to you! A year is fine, 5 years was excessive (as far as taking it slowly for DC)

Your DD is 16, she can choose IF she goes, IF she stays and when.

You don’t need to meet her, she’s not going to be ‘looking after’ your 16yo DD and if the set up is as crap as you say and it doesn’t suit your DD she’s not going to be ‘living with her’

So yes, he’s being a twat, but other than emotional support if your D is upset that he’s not thinking about their relationship, this no longer has anything to do with you.

IncrediblySadToo · 15/11/2019 09:05

@funnylittlefloozie. Does he live so far away that any visitation HAS to be an overnight?

He can’t as he’s still going to be close enough for the school run - just a bit further than he was before, but given the DD was low contact anyway....

Bouledeneige · 15/11/2019 09:10

My kids stopped staying regularly with their Dad when they were 16 and you DD can choose now to do what she wants. She doesn't need to see him or stay with him if she doesn't want to. He has now given her good reason not to want to.

littlepaddypaws · 15/11/2019 09:19

it's not your business on how your ex runs his life, and while it is rough on dd she's 16 and can make her own choices with regards to seeing him and if she stays over,but why is she doing this if she's low contact and he treats her badly. is it because he's cajoling her into staying ' but i'm your dad and it's my right to see you?'
does he pay cms ? would he withhold that if she didn't do as she was told ?

FunOnTheBeach20 · 15/11/2019 09:26

I don’t think that moving in his GF of a year is selfish. Obviously the distance from school isn’t ideal, but if he’s low contact anyway is he actually taking her to school?

Your daughter is old enough to make her own mind up, which I’m sure she will. I think you should just support her and keep stum about this. If he was already crap this is just further confirmation.

TigerDater · 15/11/2019 09:43

Same as blobby here - on his head be it, and your DD can make her own judgements. To be honest I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, and it’s kind of not your business. Sorry

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/11/2019 11:17

Thanks for your replies. He's about an hour away from me now, was a 20 min drive before. He has to take her to school as she couldn't get there otherwise. And yes, he does cajole her into going although obviously I tell her she doesn't have to. Weekends are difficult too as she has a part time job near me. My main issue is that he's dropped this on her with less than a week's notice, and she won't have a proper room at his house. I think he has done something wrong in that respect. The reason it took me 5 years to move in with my partner is a) I didn't want to do it any sooner, and b) I had to extend my house so that all of the kids have their own room when they're with us (he has two sons). But yeah, there's probably no point in me saying anything as he won't take any notice. He thinks he's dad of the year. (And no, he doesn't pay any maintenance).

OP posts:
TigerDater · 15/11/2019 11:25

The short notice and lack of room is certainly a pain in the arse and thoughtless, granted. Your DD will make her own judgement on that!

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2019 11:28

How often is she with him? And how old is she?

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/11/2019 11:29

It's a bit sporadic at the minute - sometimes once a week, occasionally twice, sometimes not at all.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 15/11/2019 11:37

Sorry just seen she's 16, and only occasionally stays. I'm sorry I don't see the issue here. And you've been split up a long time.

Is there something else driving your venomous response? Are you unsettled by the fact he is serious about this woman?

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 15/11/2019 11:40

@Bluntness100 I couldn't give a rat's ass about him settling down with someone else. I've remarried myself. My only concern is for my daughter. And if you think my post is 'venomous' then kindly eff off from my thread.

OP posts:
pelirocco123 · 15/11/2019 11:42

Your ex is moving on with his life , from the information you have given he has been your ex for long time . Your daughter is 16, it wont be long before she is independent , she is certainly old enough to accept that her parents also have their lives to lead and to be able to accept they have new partners , that she may or may not get on with , and she needs to understand that while her parents will always love her there comes a time when not everything revolves around her

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/11/2019 11:54

Am I wrong to think this is a recipe for disaster and it's going to push my daughter further away from her dad?

Sorry to be blunt, but what if it does? You say she doesn't enjoy spending time with him and he has to 'cajole' her into visiting.

She's 16. If she doesn't want to go, don't make her. If she feels unwelcome without an actual bedroom, again, don't make her go.

If her relationship with her Father suffers as a result, that's his problem, not yours.

Lovemenorca · 15/11/2019 11:57

* uite frankly a total twat. Controlling and abusive throughout our marriage*

In that case I can’t see why you’re not delighted that he’s moving further away and your daughter is less inclined to spend time with him

TigerDater · 15/11/2019 12:19

Your OP wasn’t venomous in my opinion. Exasperated perhaps!

Anotherlongdrive · 15/11/2019 12:48

I get you are frustrated that he has loved further away, not consulted you daughter (when it impacts her) and that your daughter doesnr have a bedroom.

However, I think you are over reacting.

I sworn understand why you think it's bad that you havent met her? You may want to but absolutely no reason you should have the right to.

It does come across as you think you are competing with him. You waited 5 years. Thats fine, that's your choice. He doesnt have to do the same.

I think you need to mor sweat the smaller stuff.

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