Ex H moving in with girlfriend

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Have posted about my ex before who is quite frankly a total twat. Controlling and abusive throughout our marriage and is acting the same towards my daughter who is 16. She has gone low contact with him as she's fed up of how he treats her.

She found out last weekend that he's moving in with his GF of just over a year. When she goes to stay with him she'll be sleeping in a makeshift dining room bedroom. Also her house is a lot further away from the school she goes to and it's going to make the school run around an hour.

I feel like he's not putting her first in this scenario - there was no consultation about it, he just dropped it on her at a week's notice. My other objection is that I've never even met this woman who is now going to be living with my daughter part time. He doesn't seem to think there's any need for us to meet.

I have remarried but went about things in a totally different way - we were together for 5 years before he moved in with me and my ex met him lots of times.

Am I wrong to think this is a recipe for disaster and it's going to push my daughter further away from her dad?

TBH @Anotherlongdrive it's the double standards from him. When he knew I had sometimes serious who had met our daughter he insisted on meeting him 'as he would be spending time with her.' Admittedly she was younger then, but still. He's made no effort to reciprocate. I'm not judging him for moving in with her after a year, nor am I competing with him. I just don't like the way he's gone about it and how she has no room of her own there. He's made it harder for her to see him, but he will complain if she doesn't.

alot of this seem to rest with dd and her choice if she slums it at df, it's not low contact if she is staying over on such a regular basis.

Point taken but she went from 3 set days a week regular as clockwork to this, so it feels like low contact in comparison.

I’m surprised by some of the replies. I wouldn’t be happy with my son not having a proper bedroom at his dads. The distance not such a problem but not ideal.

When I split from my ex he purchased a two bedroom property. We have teen DS & DD. So it basically meant only one could stay at anytime if they wanted a bedroom. The reality was out DD has maintained regular contact (three nights over a two week period), our DS never stops over.

DS is now in his 1st year at uni. Contact between him and his dad is minimal. They really don't have any kind of meaningful relationship. Today my DS messaged me to let me know he got a 1st (just) in his first assignment (doesn't count towards anything). I can say with confidence he will not of contacted his dad.

I am proud of both my DC and would be heartbroken if I was not ok their raider to share successes and also disappointments. I cherish the relationship I have with them both.

What I'm trying to say is in the long run he will miss out as the gap between them will become larger.

Um. It would never occur to me to inform/consult my long time ex-something about my plans to move in with current partner or how far I'm supposed to be moving. It would be absolutely none of their business. Also, I wouldn't arrange my whole life around my almost adult daughter. And I definitely wouldn't be introducing my new partner to the old one, wtf for?

And one hour is not a big deal at all.

You misunderstand me @ShadowOnTheSun - I don't expect him to consult me at all. But I expect him to consider the feelings of his daughter. At 16, with two years of school left, she's not ready to be in independent. It's just a good job that one of her parents had a proper home for her.

As always, some of the responses and misinterpretation of what I'm trying to say astound me.

Taking your post at face value that your ex was a controlling arse but you sound really OTT. A year before waiting to move in together is not rushed and a perfectly acceptable time span. Just because you waited 5 years and are virtue singalling a bit does not make her father out order for moving in with his partner. Why the feck should you meet her when your DD is nearly an adult! If he is driving your DD, then an hour radius is not anywhere near as bad as you make it out to be. Just because you waited years and years to extend your house to fit in two other kids, does not make your ex a villain when he and his new partner are not getting a large property for an older teenager that does not stay there full time and could be going off to college or moving out in a couple of years anyway. She really does not need her own bedroom there as long as there is somewhere to sleep. And there is a world of difference of insisting on meeting a new partner around a much younger child of the opposite sex for a start. Your ex may well be an arse but you actually do not sound all that pleasant.

Lucky your DD is 16! She can truly call the shots now. She never has to go over there if she doesn't want to.
This relationship with her dad does not have to be forced.

Honestly, let them get on with it!

If 16yo dd doesn't like the makeshift arrangements or school commute, she won't bother staying over.

It's a shame & he's not making a choice which puts his dd first, but he's an ex because he's a twat, right?

My life got so much easier once I made a conscious decision to disengage completely from my appalling ex being a selfish dickhead.

If I'd ever had any power to change that, I'd have done it whilst we were married. I couldn't, we are no longer married as a result, & I certainly don't have any influence now we aren't together.

These days I just quietly roll my eyes at his latest demonstration of fuckwittery. Much less stress.

It's not your circus, not your monkeys, & your dd will see that for herself.

Wise words@PurpleCrowbar. But apparently I am 'unpleasant' for caring. Maybe I should give fewer shits like you are suggesting.

* so it feels like low contact in comparison.*

Why are you not pleased? You say he abusive in your marriage

total twat
controlling
abusive
I am genuinely perplexed why you’re disappointed that your 16 year old daughter won’t be spending more time with this person

I guess I'm disappointed for her that he can't be a good dad. But I have to accept what I can't change.

Well, she might think he's a fantastic dad.

Of my 3 teenage dc, one thinks his father is a total pillock but loves him nonetheless, despite being vocally critical of his knobbish behaviour. He's very much 'well, he's a bit of a prat & I wouldn't go to him for anything important, but I'll spend a couple of hours a week hanging out with him on Xbox online because we have fun & I love him' (Oddly this pretty much exactly mirrors ex's relationship with his own father).

Another dc wants as little to do with him as possible, finds him boring & selfish, but maintains polite levels of contact for a quiet life.

The third thinks he is wonderful, & has a fantastic relationship with him. I can see enormous future pitfalls there - obviously the knob favours the child who doesn't challenge him, so that's waiting to go off re resentment from her siblings, & also inevitable potential disillusionment when he inevitably shows his feet of clay to dc3, too - but I am not in a position to do anything but anticipate & manage the fall out.

Honestly, all you can do is leave them to it.

& really, it's not about giving fewer shits!

It's about accepting that I have as much control over ex being an utter knob as I do over the rainfall in Peru.

Unless there's a reason to think he'd harm them, my dc spend time with their dad & it's not something I can or should control.

They'll work out their own relationship with him & carry their own brolly...

As others have said. Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

She will make her own choices and he will get the relationship he deserve with your dd

All you can is is support her with her choices. And keep your disappointment to yourself.

I don't see what this really has to do with you. Your DD is 16 and her relationship with her Dad is separate to you. She is almost an adult. If he is abusive or negligent then that is different.

Your bitterness is showing. You’re bitter that you have raised DD and he has just abdicated all responsibility, which is fair enough, but polishing your halo about how much better you are and how differently you did things isn’t helping anyone. Least of all DD.

You knew he was a twat & he hasn’t changed, DD knows he’s a twat,... I’m not sure why what he’s done has come as any surprise. DD went low contact, she doesn’t need a room at his girlfriends house. You made different choices for your partners children - just stop polishing your halo and being bitter about him being a twat and everyone, especially you, will be happier. He & DD will work their relationship out themselves, you can’t make him any less if a twat or a better Dad, so just focus on being a happy mum for her and not someone she needs to ‘manage’ in regard to her father

If I remember correctly isn't your DD wanted to stop/majorly drop contact with him?

If so this is a gift on a plate. She can say that she isn't staying over if she doesn't have her own room and it's too far away...

Appreciate all of your comments, and really there is no 'halo polishing' going on, I'm just drawing out the double standards at play here. I would also think it would be common courtesy for him to tell me of the different living arrangements rather than me having to find it out second hand. When I was planning to get married I told him. Maybe I shouldn't have done.

Just by way of update, DD has decided she doesn't want to see him for the next week or two as it's just too much of a hassle getting to school and she doesn't like having her own room. This is completely fair enough but he badgers her all the time trying to get her to change her mind. He clearly doesn't understand her or try to cater for her needs at all.

Honestly- just stop

i would also think it would be common courtesy for him to tell me of the different living arrangements rather than me having to find it out second hand. When I was planning to get married I told him. Maybe I shouldn't have done

Being so bitter is only going to affect you & DD, not him.

When your daughter was much younger and yours was her main residence, then yes, it was the right thing to do, to tell him about bug changes, but she’s sixteen now & low contact. He doesn’t need to tell you about his living arrangements.

Their relationship is their relationship, just support her in being honest with him and give her the support she needs to stand up to his badgering. If necessary, involve an outside agency to deal with his badgering.

But stop polishing your halo (and yes, you are) and being bitter because you’re only stressing yourself out and you’ll upset DD. It will NOT help anyone and it certainly won’t change him!!

Really IncrediblySad ????
Wow - My DD is 21 and I still go full mamma bear on anyone who even tries anything. Including her dad!!!
As a single parent you have to 'double' look out for your babies!
And YES!! My DD will ALWAYS be my baby.
When ever she needs me - I will be there!
That is my choice.
Looks like OP still wants to look out for her 16 YO CHILD as well.
Nothing wrong with that!
I don't think she sounds 'bitter'. Just looking out for the best for her DD!

OP worth you teaching her how to deal with men who won't take "No" for an answer like blocking him on her phone so she can then call him when she chooses to. Of course he can call your house but you can make up excuses if she doesn't want to talk to him.