Friend convinced my partner is abusive

[lolacola1875]

I did write this earlier but I can't find it so I'm assuming I didn't post it properly, apologies if I've done it twice.

My best friend has been convinced my partner is abusive for a long time now. She used to just think he'd changed from when I got pregnant (we were trying). I also thought he'd changed, he seemed a lot angrier at me and started making cruel comments about my appearance and then acting as if I was silly for being upset. There's been a few things he's done and said but each time, he makes me feel that I'm paranoid and silly and he's so convincing that I'm actually not sure if my friend is worried over nothing or if he actually is abusive. Ps my friend is lovely so I know she wouldn't say it unless she genuinely believed it but even she has said "i only can go on what I see".

However tonight, I think somethings happened that makes me think she's right. Me and my partner had a super brief conversation about me not going back to work after mat leave (6 months left) the other night. That brief that we didn't even discuss how we'd manage financially nor the consequences of me not going back. I didn't really think much of it, until my friend told me my partner had been complaining to her husband (they're friends) that "I've got to work every hour god sends now because Lola cola refuses to go back to work and is being silly about leaving the baby".

When I heard this I felt bad because I thought it was a shame he'd taken our brief chat that way. I did say I'd miss baby but I didn't imply I couldn't leave them. So it gave me a kick up the bum to speak to my manager about work and have a little catch up with her. She was super nice and made me feel great, even a little bit excited about returning. So I was quite exited to tell my partner about this as obviously he was under some stress regarding me not going back.

My job is quite difficult but enjoyable and I really like the people I work with.

I love being a mother and have really enjoyed my mat leave and the thought of not being with baby 247 scares me something rotten but I know that they will be ok as we have a lovely family member offering childcare and we would struggle without my income.

I told him that on top of those reasons I'd would also be nice to get a little piece of me back (I've not left baby for longer than 3 hours - not complaining, I enjoy it but I do think I need to remember I'm not just a parent (not saying stay at home parents are, I just mean I literally haven't done anything for myself for a long time and I don't want to lose myself).

He said "you're an idiot, is our baby that bad that you need to get away from them so you can have a jolly at work?" Amongst other name calling and sheer anger at me looking to go back to work (which by the way had been the plan from even before we started trying for a baby). I got upset at the comment regarding baby being that bad I want to go away from them and he said I was a child, took baby from me and walked away.

So to his friend he's making out I'm the devil for not going back, to me he's making me feel like a bad parent for wanting to go back and my mind is blown!

My friend thinks he's trying to make out I'm controlling (he always calls me controlling and I have asked a million times why he says it and he just says "you just are" - to the point I've actually wondered am I?!) to his friends but actually he just wants me to play mummy and be with the baby rather than have any independence.

I'm just feeling totally lost. I consider myself a reasonably smart person and don't know how I've let all these red flags go. He's had me thinking for months that I'm just a super sensitive drama queen and now I'm wondering if actually he just isn't a very nice man.

I feel really, really stupid and sad. I don't really know what I'm asking but I just feel really lost. I feel like I've tried to do the right thing so many times and always end up getting shouted at.

yes the name calling and saying different things to different people and shouting at you is all awful behaviour#
He wants you stuck at home but the ability to moan about it

THe question is what are you going to do

Abusive, gaslights you. Not an environment to bring a child up in

Yes some things highlight he is abusive. Dismissing your feelings is not good. You need to try and sort it or the relationship will get worse!

Whatever else you decide to do - go back to work. I tend to agree with your friend and I feel it would be unwise to allow yourself to become financially dependent on him (especially as you're not married).

Your friend is right. He sounds vile.

Now that you have seen his true colours, you know that going back to work is the right thing to do to protect yourself.

I think your friend is spot on.

Yes, your friend is correct.

Your friend is right. I expect he knew what he said to your friend's partner would get back to you, upset you and make you determined to go back to work because that's what HE wanted. Now you're in the wrong again, and should stay at home

He's messing with your head and you'll be in the wrong whatever you do. AS pp's have said DO return to work, and have financial independence. Your eyes are opened now.

Abuse often starts when the woman is pregnant. The having a go at your appearance is part of that. You are not paranoid or silly. He is trying to undermine your confidence to make you eager to please him. Fuck that noise. Grey Rock it.

Yes your friend is correct.
I'm sorry.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for year and didn't truly appreciate it until I left.

Your friend is right, you are indeed in an abusive relationship.

Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares. This also happens over time and my guess too is that he could not do enough for you in the early days of your relationship either. He is not above projecting his own self onto you either; HE is the controlling one here and not you. You were not stupid either so do not think this of you; these people are really master manipulators of their chosen target. Given you spaghetti head is what these types do; its all part of their modus operandi. His actions towards you and in turn your child are all about power and control and make no mistake here, he wants absolute.

I guess you are not married to this man so that makes you more vulnerable too in a legal sense and your legal position here is poor. He knows this too.

There is no reasoning with someone like this and there is no relationship to rescue and or save. You can only save your own self ultimately along with your child because this is no environment to raise a child in. This child will pick up on all this and see you as their mother being abused. Your abuser will continue to be abusive, obstructive and difficult post any separation as well because he will want to still have absolute power and control over you and in turn your child.

Go back to work asap (hopefully he will not actively further sabotage your attempt to go back although he could try to do this) and enlist the help of your friend here to extricate yourself from your abuser. You are also vulnerable to him financially if you stay at home because he will really then control the spending. He wants you really in a gilded cage of his own paranoid making.

Speaking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and or your local domestic violence group could help you no end as well. Make plans to leave him with due care and attention, your safety here is paramount.

I got as far as "making cruel comments about my appearence". He's abusive and your friend is right.

Absolutly yes. Without a doubt. And i would put my last penny on you only telling us the tip of the iceberg here. Yes manipulating you right now!

He will get worse. If he's not controlling you yet, he will be soon.

Either you won't go back as he says, but then won't you know about how everything in the house and child is your sole responsibility along with dancing round his ever moving goal posts of what he wants.

Or you will go back, and then all childcare, costs and practical things will be on your head. You will be made to feel like the worst wife and mother and still will be expected to do everything at home too.

Get out whilst you still can!

Your friend is right. Get her to help you to get away from this horrible man.

He’s gaslighting you.........100% an abusive relationship.

This book will be eye opening OP, in particular the 'Types of abusive men' section. Free pdf version here www.docdroid.net/file/download/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Yes OP, I'm sorry, it's abusive. I suspect you know this in your heart, but with that sort of abusive it can take a very long time to 1) realise it's abusive - it's often a drip, drip, drip 2) accept it - trying to make things work seems like a good thing to do 3) finding the courage and support to do something about it.

Please keep your financial independence if you can.

It took me very many years to leave mine so go easy on yourself.

There is no making things work with an abuser; the abuser will always move the goalposts about and you will not know which way is up. The longer you stay the more he will grind you down as he is already doing.

Leaving him OP will be your best option going forward and this will have to be done carefully. This is a process that does not happen overnight and will take time. Your safety is of paramount importance.

Your friend is right. He is abusive.

As PPs have said your only positive course of action is to leave him and look to the future.

You didn’t cause this, and you can’t change him. It’s who and how he is. Staying with him will only hurt you more and more and model a horrendous example of a relationship to your DC.

Good luck

Yes he is abusive

Name calling, manipulative, one rule applies to you and one to him (so he doesnt give to work because he finds the baby awful?), gaslighting (denying previous conversations etc). Also trying to stop you going back to work so you are dependent on his him financially so he can step up the control.
In the short term definitely go back to work. In the longer term you're going to have to leave him, it wont get better. I'm sorry.

Your friend is right. And NO WAY should you quit work for an unmarried partner. BAD move.

Your friend is right.

He sounds fucking awful!!

You must NOT blame yourself though. Abusers are phenomenally good at slowly doing this, making it seem normal and making it seem like it was all your fault. It does not imply weakness on your part.

Get out while you can.

Thanks a lot for the replies, this might sound weird because obviously it's not nice to hear people think he's abusive but it does give me some closure to hear you don't all think I'm a drama queen. That's been a real issue for me, wondering if I'm just needy and sensitive.

Sorry, I can't remember the name of the poster who said about me only saying tip of the iceberg but you are right, although I didn't do this to hide anything I just didn't want the post to be too long and I also wanted to focus solely on last nights incident as it was the first time I felt SO certain he was purposely messing with my head.

I don't rely on him financially, luckily. I've always been quite sensible and as LO was planned (even though at the time I trusted him and didn't think he'd ever hurt me, but I like to always be on the safe side), id saved a bit of money up so I don't owe him any money nor have I relied on him during mat leave. I should say though in fairness, that he is always willing to pay for things and is generous with his money. I just like to pay my own way I guess.

If I'm truly honest with you, and I haven't even told my friend this, I don't know that I'd miss him if I left. I think it would be a nightmare because he certainly would try to maintain that control but I think if I could get away from him and find the strength I used to have, I'd be okay. We don't have any fun together anymore and as you can see based on last night he doesn't provide any emotional support.

Would you suggest me speaking to him and trying to explain that I feel he's been messing with my head or would that be wasting my time?

You would be wasting your time. He won’t be interested and will manipulate you into thinking it’s your fault. Look up gaslighting. You’re already questioning yourself and what he says.

Your friend is spot on. She’s a good friend, listen to her.

Your friend is correct. Get out.

Hi Lola sorry you are going through this. Your husband is emotionally manipulative and a gaslighter. Explaining to him would be pointless, you cant reason with this type of abuse.

I would be grey rocking him. Not letting him see you upset and quietly getting your 'ducks in a row' to prepare to leave. You sound like you are in a good position financially and like you said you doubt you would even miss him!

Bin him off!

There are far more experienced PP who can give you practical advice on extricating yourself & baby, I just wanted to say that you absolutely do not sound like a sensitive drama queen.

I spent over 3 years with a partner who wasn't violent, but he was definitely emotionally abusive and did use physical aggression from time to time.

Cruel comments: I am ugly without make up but my make up was OTT (you just can't win), I was lucky he'd date me as no one else would put up with me, my friends only tolerate me, may family must be crazy as "it's the only reason I could be how I am".

Gaslighting: saying I misremembered arguments, I "made up" stuff he said, I was just looking for a fight.

Bickering: he'd deliberately miss the point of conversations, talk over me, tell me I didn't understand whatever I was talking about, or he'd be generally (and repeatedly) unreliable, but if I lost my temper I was angry and abusive.

It was a while ago and I have since realised that he was very draining, selfish, and talked utter sh*t, but if any of that rings true, YOU ARE NOT A DRAMA QUEEN. Your head is clear and firmly screwed on.