Friend convinced my partner is abusive

[lolacola1875]

I did write this earlier but I can't find it so I'm assuming I didn't post it properly, apologies if I've done it twice.

My best friend has been convinced my partner is abusive for a long time now. She used to just think he'd changed from when I got pregnant (we were trying). I also thought he'd changed, he seemed a lot angrier at me and started making cruel comments about my appearance and then acting as if I was silly for being upset. There's been a few things he's done and said but each time, he makes me feel that I'm paranoid and silly and he's so convincing that I'm actually not sure if my friend is worried over nothing or if he actually is abusive. Ps my friend is lovely so I know she wouldn't say it unless she genuinely believed it but even she has said "i only can go on what I see".

However tonight, I think somethings happened that makes me think she's right. Me and my partner had a super brief conversation about me not going back to work after mat leave (6 months left) the other night. That brief that we didn't even discuss how we'd manage financially nor the consequences of me not going back. I didn't really think much of it, until my friend told me my partner had been complaining to her husband (they're friends) that "I've got to work every hour god sends now because Lola cola refuses to go back to work and is being silly about leaving the baby".

When I heard this I felt bad because I thought it was a shame he'd taken our brief chat that way. I did say I'd miss baby but I didn't imply I couldn't leave them. So it gave me a kick up the bum to speak to my manager about work and have a little catch up with her. She was super nice and made me feel great, even a little bit excited about returning. So I was quite exited to tell my partner about this as obviously he was under some stress regarding me not going back.

My job is quite difficult but enjoyable and I really like the people I work with.

I love being a mother and have really enjoyed my mat leave and the thought of not being with baby 247 scares me something rotten but I know that they will be ok as we have a lovely family member offering childcare and we would struggle without my income.

I told him that on top of those reasons I'd would also be nice to get a little piece of me back (I've not left baby for longer than 3 hours - not complaining, I enjoy it but I do think I need to remember I'm not just a parent (not saying stay at home parents are, I just mean I literally haven't done anything for myself for a long time and I don't want to lose myself).

He said "you're an idiot, is our baby that bad that you need to get away from them so you can have a jolly at work?" Amongst other name calling and sheer anger at me looking to go back to work (which by the way had been the plan from even before we started trying for a baby). I got upset at the comment regarding baby being that bad I want to go away from them and he said I was a child, took baby from me and walked away.

So to his friend he's making out I'm the devil for not going back, to me he's making me feel like a bad parent for wanting to go back and my mind is blown!

My friend thinks he's trying to make out I'm controlling (he always calls me controlling and I have asked a million times why he says it and he just says "you just are" - to the point I've actually wondered am I?!) to his friends but actually he just wants me to play mummy and be with the baby rather than have any independence.

I'm just feeling totally lost. I consider myself a reasonably smart person and don't know how I've let all these red flags go. He's had me thinking for months that I'm just a super sensitive drama queen and now I'm wondering if actually he just isn't a very nice man.

I feel really, really stupid and sad. I don't really know what I'm asking but I just feel really lost. I feel like I've tried to do the right thing so many times and always end up getting shouted at.

He's abusive. And any decent partner would try to work out with you why you were feeling so sensitive and what you could do about it together as a couple.

Anybody who makes you feel bad for feeling bad needs to sling their hook.

He sounds like a vile nasty pos. What would you say to a friend or your own daughter or sister if they told you their partner was like this? Get out now, it is no atmosphere to raise a child in.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

The abuser profiles part is good.

It talks about physical abuse but is equally useful for non physical.

Slags you off to your face.
Slags you off to his mates - unfairly/untruthfully.
You can't win whatever you do.

I agree with posters who said he's vile and a pos and abusive.

Sorry.

Don't let him know you are on to him as it usually makes them much worse as he will need to deploy stronger tactics to remain in control or protect his image.

I recall a similar situation where Ex told his friend something about me which was just untrue. I couldn't understand why and assumed he had completely misunderstood but now realise it was part of a smear campaign. He knew I was unhappy so realised the end might happen and therefore he had to image manage the situation. The friend he told is still part of his circle whereas anyone who genuinely knew me (so would question his stories) were dropped in his scorched earth policy.

It was only much later that I realised he did this with a previous Ex. There was no one in his friendship circle who could give an account of him.

How has he managed previous relationships ending? This will give you an indication of how he will behave.

He sounds as if he has contempt for you which is not fixable since it is not rational. It doesn't reflect on you but indicates the level of damage he has inside.

It is also common for strong women to be targeted by abusive men. He is trying to get you to a point of low self esteem and dependence on him as he is threatened by your independence.

He is gaslighting you.

You are not the problem, don't let yourself get convinced that you are. He sounds awful.

You have a wonderful friend who is able only through the brief part of your marriage she witnesses, to see that he's abusive, listen to her and your gut feeling.

Don’t let on that you have rumbled his mind games. Don’t tell him you are leaving. Get what you need together, get support from friends and go. Be safe. Abuse escalates when the abused partner tries to leave.

You have a good friend there, she was very brave to tell you and you've done well to listen to her. He's an abusive, gaslighting controller. Giving up work would be the worst thing you could do.

"Would you suggest me speaking to him and trying to explain that I feel he's been messing with my head or would that be wasting my time?"

This would be a waste of time. He thinks he has done nothing wrong with regards to you. Your energies would be better employed in enlisting the help of family and friends to extricate yourself from your abuser.

Please dont speak to him - he’ll just make you doubt yourself

What a good friend you have. Great you have your job and some money so you can leave and find true happiness

I am so glad you have such a good friend OP.

I don't have any advice for you, but you sound like a very sensible person (well done on your savings btw) who will always do the best they can for their child.

And now you've had your eyes opened by your friend and by yourself realising that things weren't right. You'll be ok, the main thing now is to gather your courage and start to make plans for a life without your partner. You can do it

I’m so sorry this is happening OP. I’m also not sure what talking to him will achieve. I think at best he will convince you he’ll change. He might change for a bit, and then slowly but surely you will be in the same position again.

I was treated like this for years by my ex. Constantly messing me about and turning people against me so I had only him to rely on. I always was made out to be the bad person and that's how I ended up feeling.

I am now well shot of that prick and couldn't be happier. I met my wonderful husband and he is so lovely and would never treat me that way.

Your happily ever after is out there but it's not with this piece of shit.

Your friend is right. He is 100% a manipulative shit.
Dont try to engage with him. Make plans to get out asap and any contact with baby to be made via emails so if it gets nasty you've got a paper trail.
Ugh, who does he think he is.
He will probably alternate between being nasty and trying to sweet talk you into staying.
If you struggle to leave please just remember that your child does not need a mum ground down by this wsnker.
Your mate sounds great.
Good luck.

I think he is abusive and he seems to be all about control. I witnessed an abusive marriage but in my case both parents were abusive to one another but never split. Such people will never be happy and will cause much unhappiness around them. So your friend is right. [Flowers]

Sorry I've not had time to read the whole thread but I'm sending you virtual hugs OP. Also wanted to say this is textbook emotional abuse and there's no point discussing it with him as it will only mess with your head more and he won't admit being abusive, they never do.
I had an ex who made me feel exactly like this - a drama queen, sensitive, and even convinced me I had emotional issues (even though it was clearly him who had the issues...but it takes hindsight to see it).
He also convinced me I had all these other issues (halitosis, even though I didn't and I've asked subsequent bfs who looked at me like I was mad and said my breath was fine), he'd also say I looked like an Ethiopian child as he knew I was self conscious about being thin with small boobs.
But other times he'd compliment me on my figure so it was mixed messages.
Then he convinced me I had something wrong with my libido because I didn't want to have sex every single day and said I should get it checked out at the Dr.
But he could also be very nice, buying me presents, telling me how much he loves me etc
I don't mean to make this about me, I just wanted you to see how when you see it written down about someone else you'd think "yep, definitely abusive" yet when it's you, you don't see it straight away.
It was also very hard to break away, he'd constantly call and want to meet up "as friends" and we'd end up sleeping together, or he'd turn up at my house drunk late at night and crying. So be prepared for that and don't give in. I realise it's much harder when you have a child together. Good luck and whatever you do don't give up your job

It sounds like he is gaslighting you, which is an abusive behaviour and very dangerous for your mental health.

Sorry for not updating, life really runs away with you doesn't it.

Well since posting not only have your replies confirmed it, I've really paid attention to his behaviour and he definitely isn't being a nice man or a good partner.

For example, I do everything with/for our little one (he works so he doesn't need to help around the house or with the baby, even on days off, naturally). And I picked my phone up for the first time as baby is asleep and to be honest I just like having a nosey on Facebook and he's having a go at me saying all I ever do is sit on my phone and that if he was on his phone I'd be going mad at him. I asked when I've ever moaned at him for being on his phone and he just told me I'm full of b$llocks. He just doesn't want me to be on my phone and rather than admit he's being controlling he's making out that I've previously "controlled" him regarding phones so it's ok. Bare in mind, before I picked my
Phone up I did try to start a conversation with him, I told him my friend did something interesting (won't say what as it'll be outing) but it's cool, and he just continued on his phone (lol) and said "great". So I've done the house and everything for the baby and tried to converse with him and then went on my phone. Definitely don't think I've done anything wrong there.

I've had such a nice day with the baby, and now I just feel so angry and deflated. He is absolutely horrible to me and has been for a long time and now I'm realising I don't deserve it it's even more rubbish to take!

Definitely going to think about leaving. Can't think of a single reason to stay. Of course I want my child to have the "ideal family" but let's face it, there's nothing ideal about this!

Ps, regarding my friend. She's amazing. Hands down the best friend I've ever had. She called him out once for the way he'd spoke to me (he thought no one could hear). He hates her now and tells me almost weekly that "she doesn't really care about you, you know".

I do feel really silly for blaming myself and not seeing any of this. Really grateful for your replies, you've helped my brain more than you can imagine.

There is a moment where it's almost enjoyable having the self esteem to know he's full of shit and you are soon to be rid.

Not as good as the actual getting rid, but useful none the less.
I hope it happens soon

He's just gone crazy at me again saying that "I control his life to the max", and "has friend been around this week your puppet master?".

Again, I've asked for an example of when I've tried to control him and he's just swore at me in retaliation. I think the fact I do everything around the house and with the baby even on his precious days off is enough evidence I don't even have a say in his life let-alone control!

Are you safe

He knows his dirty little secret is out and your friend is on to him. He is also sensing a change in you. Be careful now. You need a poker face - otherwise he could get v nasty.

Get as much info as you can. Speak with your friend and any other friends and family who can support you. Don’t let him goad you. Make a water tight escape plan and leave when the time is right.

Yeah I'm fine, I set my phone to record when he was going off just so I can refer back to it to remind myself I'm not going crazy.

I told him he makes me feel like I can't say certain things to him because he calls me controlling when I ask him for help and he did this horrid sinister laugh.

Jeez! He sounds awful.
I'm so sorry OP, make some safe steps to leave.
It sounds like he doesn't want you to be independent nor have any friends, basically become totally reliant on him.

He sounds very similar to an ex I once had.....get out!

You don't need to put up with this at all.
Speak to women's aid/do the freedom programme/get support from family and friends to leave. Please do anything you can to take yourself and your child away from him.

You both deserve so much better.

Once you're away from him, before you know it, you'll have such a happy life with your baby!