Thoughtful or selfish

[blazingbags]

Maybe I am being sensitive but every gift I have ever received from my boyfriend has been one that he can also enjoy ie a night away in a hotel,a concert, dinner in a posh joint.
Every gift I have ever bought him has been individual and personal to him.
When I jokingly asked him if this is why he bought those gifts for me( so he could enjoy them too) he laughed and said of course it is, isnt that what everybody does?
For me, it is not the reason why people bought their partners specific gifts.
Am I being too sensitive ?

He knows that I dream of certain places and cities yet he never agrees to go there.

This is the killer line.

I feel ungrateful at time's beciase he says he wants to show me these places. Or experience these events with me and that is kind but underneath it all I think it's about him.

He's really very manipulative isn't he?! You're beginning to see through the hard sell. Yes, he gives you gifts which suit him. Because he doesn't care about pleasing you, not really.

Only 25. Hmmmmmm.

I would move on.

It's quite clear who he really cares about, and it isn't you. It's him.

If you ever needed him, he wouldn't be there for you, would he?

Maybe don't wait until something like that happens for you to find out.

Once you are with someone who isn't selfish you'll look back on this and think OMG.

This really isn't the happiest you can be or the best you can do, and you are only 25 - have a good hard think.

And this isn't about presents. It's about being cherished, being listened to, feeling you have a best friend in your partner.

Be honest, he's none of those things, is he?

Yes OP, he should be thinking of what you would like when he does these things. I do buy my partner like 2 of these so we can do them together (only because he would always ask me to do them with him and he wouldn't go on his own, not because I assume I want to go.) I am buying some theatre tickets to a show for one of my partner's xmas presents, it's a musical of a film we both really like. I am pretty certain this is something he would enjoy it, it is only an added bonus that I will like it as well. I once went around a boring football museum that I was bored to tears in but he wanted to go in so guess what we went in because he would enjoy it. X That's what it should be about. I would tell him not to bother getting anything if he can't be arsed to respect your wishes and likes.

The thing is, you have spoken to him about it. That's fair enough in a relationship. So even if he were a bit thoughtless, you have spoken to him about it, to which he laughed it off and carried on and made a big show of it.

It's not on.

Again, my DD's mate just had a birthday. She's Russian and doesn't have all these hang ups about money and talking about it that a lot of us Brits have. DD asked her what she might like for her birthday and she said some money and what she is saving to buy (a Nintendo Switch, she's from a lone parent working poor family and works herself in a cafe). So I said, well, then, give her a bit of money. 'Even if it's only a fiver?' DD asked. 'Yes, even a fiver.'

One of my mates is very wealthy. She spends a lot of her time and money on a charity. She doesn't like 'stuff' and is Scandanavian and very minimalist, so when I want to give her a gift to thank her for her generosity and kindness I give a gift to her charity because I want to show her that I care about her and what she loves.

I don't like sending cards, but my MIL loves them so I send her a bloody card with a message. She likes that. It's a gift to say I am thinking of you.

See, that's not hard, really not hard at all.

This is the problem.it only a show. A show for me, for my family and for my friends sometimes.I wonder how if think I am
Being ungrateful.
They think that after my previous partner, he is amazing to do this for me.

"He is inherently selfish but also terribly lovely."
No OP, he isn't lovely. I suspect you're confusing 'lovely' with 'charming'. 'Charming' is what all con-men are .

You keep mentioning gratitude. Why do you feel you have to be grateful? You have nothing to be grateful for. He has conned you (he is a con-man IMO) into believing heis buying you gifts. He has NEVER bought you a gift. He has simply taken you as his "plus one" to the gifts he has bought for himself.

"They think that after my previous partner, he is amazing to do this for me."
I think he's just a different flavour of shit from your previous partner. He's not amazing. He's selfish and thoughtless.

He has NEVER bought you a gift. He has simply taken you as his "plus one" to the gifts he has bought for himself

Excellent way of putting it. He's generous with gifts TO HIMSELF. You shouldn't feel grateful, you should feel pissed off.

I know that you are all right. That's why I posted originally. I know there's something wrong here.
I also recently found out that the other small token/ gifts that he would give me are bought through friends of friends who work somewhere with cut price presents. They are lovely gifts but I feel weird that they are bought specifically through trade to get them half price or less. Think a decoration or a novelty present. Now I really do feel ungrateful but feel I can say that here. He is wealthy.AIBU

You should be grateful - grateful you posted! honestly I'd be really pissed off with a relentless stream of 'novelty' gifts (useless clutter) bought trade. No thought for your taste - just him feeling smug and showy. It's not about whether or not he has money, it's the sheer thoughtlessness.

Ok thanks for posting

Honestly, blazing, my own father put it best, 'You are the one waking up to him, not me. Think about that.'

So what if he is wealthy. So what if he is 'better' than other partners. He's selfish. You know this, every instinct is telling you this. Please, please, if there is anything I try to teach my surviving daughter it is this, listen to yourself and believe yourself, because you have to live with yourself.

This does not get better. You do not have to be 'grateful' because others put up with whatever they do. You just don't.

You spoke up. He doesn't listen. You're posting because you're struggling to listen to yourself. Please listen to yourself, because I'd want the same for my own daughter and son.

They're not gifts, they're not generous. You want generous, I've been in receipt of very great charity during the illness of my child and after her death, nothing was asked in return. I have since been able to give back to those charities, I ask nothing in return. It is a gift.

Im so sorry for your loss . He is at home now and I am here . I would love to be with him after my working week . He wants to be alone . That makes me
Feel like s shit .

Quite simply his needs dominate. Remember how you feel now as a few years down the line (usually once there is commitment) it will feel like this all the time as a person like him doesn't build real connections with others as he isn't really interested in their needs or wants.

How long have you been together?

I had a good think about us overnight and I realise that he is selfish and at times uncaring underneath the charming exterior. He says all the right words and makes all the right noises but if he wants to do something, he does it regardless of anyone elses feelings. I sat home alone again last night and despite living a couple of miles away from him, he didn't want me over but if he was bored or had nothing to do, he would be over as fast as.
Thanks for helping me see the light.

OP you sound really smart, and nice, and interesting.

Dump this loser - honestly there are so many people out there worth ten of this selfish twat.

Don't listen to tearful promises to change, by the way - they'll be just as much of an act as everything else, an act designed to get what he wants and nothing more.

Is it possible he has others on the go? Buys these trade 'novelty gifts' in bulk, and when he tells you he wants to be alone, is actually with someone else?

Either way, he is not good for you, your needs are being ignored.

To me it suggests that you’re just not compatible.
I’d love gifts of nights away or tickets to the theatre or whatever, spending quality time with those I love is the most important thing for me. If the organising is done for me then that’s another bonus. I don’t care much about gifts or possessions.
There’s also nothing wrong with wanting to be alone after a stressful week (that’s not what I’d want but I don’t expect everyone to be the same as me).
You’re either both going to have to compromise or call it a day in your relationship.

You're his fall back girl, the plus one he takes along when it suits him and makes him feel more comfortable and he expect accolades for it.

Cut him loose.

OP you are 25. You should be having the time of your life, having fun, dating. Please don't waste your time and energy on this selfish self centred man. It's clear from your messages that you know this. You allude to a previous worse relationship. I think you would benefit from a time of no relationships, maybe even counselling as to why you are putting yourself second all the time. You sound lovely and thoughtful, find someone who matches you in this, please.

charming exterior

Always be cautious with someone who is charming, it is often an act. Too good to be true often is.

I don't think it's compatibility or even fallback girl, he just doesn't see you as a person with needs of your own. This type of character is unfortunately not that uncommon (male & female) and you have woken up to it early on. It suggests you have good instincts and value yourself.

Be warned if you end it he might hoover you, with lots of proclamations of love but just remember how you feel and hang on to that. I think you have had a lucky escape and I wish I MN existed when I had similar doubts.
He may also get angry if you try to end it.