Thoughtful or selfish

[blazingbags]

Maybe I am being sensitive but every gift I have ever received from my boyfriend has been one that he can also enjoy ie a night away in a hotel,a concert, dinner in a posh joint.
Every gift I have ever bought him has been individual and personal to him.
When I jokingly asked him if this is why he bought those gifts for me( so he could enjoy them too) he laughed and said of course it is, isnt that what everybody does?
For me, it is not the reason why people bought their partners specific gifts.
Am I being too sensitive ?

Why should a person be grateful for a so-called gift they don't really want from their own boyfriend? He admits he does it for himself.

Keep reading this back to yourself, OP, because you are doing the classic thing of ignoring your instincts:
That is a worry. He is inherently selfish but also terribly lovely.
Not much thought goes into my gifts and they are either good offers or ones that benefit him.He then behaves like he is the best partner in the world when really I know that the main reason for the hotel stay or dinner out is because it is an city or restaurant that he really likes.
He knows that I dream of certain places and cities yet he never agrees to go there.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

yes it’s selfish. Does he seriously think he is so wonderful that you would be happy for your birthday to be all about accompanying him on a trip of his choice ? He won’t even surprise you by picking a place he knows you would like or band you’re into? That is quite egotistical that he believes his company & choosing you to come along is gift enough.

I would prefer a bottle of cheap wine picked up on the way home over a weekend holiday to see a band I don’t like in a place I never wanted to visit.

Another vote for selfish

No issue without nights away etc as a gift if it’s a place you want to go to. But it’s not. He’s ignoring your preferences.

I would dump. He will not get any better and you deserve more

He's not going to change so you may as well...
Play him at his own game OP and buy him a trip to a city or concert that you want to see from now on.

Definitely his gifts to you are actually for himself, with you tagging along.

If you’ve told him that you want stuff rather than experiences and he hasn’t listened then yes, he’s being selfish. Spell it out very clearly: “I don’t want you to buy me things that are just things you want to do. Buy me [this sort of material item] or take me to [favourite city], because it’s making me upset that you don’t seem to understand or care what I like.”

And in turn, are you sure he actually really likes your thoughtful and personal to him gifts? To you, you might think they’re perfect and special; he might actually prefer a nice dinner or a weekend away. Have you asked him whether he’d prefer you to do the same for him or carry on with your own preference for giving?

He's selfish. Its not thoughtful to give your partner what you want as a gift. I agree with what a couple of PPs have suggested and buy him a weekend away to a place you want to visit or tickets for a concert you want to see.

Divided posts on this thanks.I am not able to afford to go where I want to go. He has lots more money than me.

blazing, you need to learn to listen to yourself! You know he is inherently selfish. Believe me, over time (I'm nearly 50 now) this is what matters because this is who he is. This isn't funny, you don't have to be 'grateful' for any crumb thrown to you by a man you're in a relationship with and it doesn't get any better. You talked to him about it in a mature fashion. He doesn't care, thinks it's cute 'Isn't that what everyone does?'.

I've been around but honestly, I reckon that about 90% of the time misery in life due to relationships is caused when people don't trust their instinct and end relationships with selfish or incompatible people early, but keep flogging that horse, thinking it'll change, they'll change him, he'll change, things will get better, etc.

Trust yourself and your inner self. Someone who is inherently selfish is not going to make good long-term relationship material.

Next time he gets you tickets to a gig, can you say 'ooooh great thanks this is Sophie's favourite band I think I'll take her, it's been ages since we had a girly night!'

He's selfish and thoughtless.
He completely ignores want you want.

Have he ever done something you've wanted to do but he didn't want to do?

Maybe start telling him I'd like tickets to x gig for Christmas or if you are thinking of a trip away for my birthday I'd like to go to xx.

It's not the gifts as such that you have a problem with but the fact that they are not to places that are where you have expressed an interest in.

If he continues to get you gift to places he wants to go to rather than places you want to go to - then that is selfish.

You acknowledge he is selfish in general.

Don’t stay with a selfish person. The ‘terribly lovely’ aspects of him are a drop in the ocean by comparison to the negative affects staying with him will bring.

Be intelligent. It’s not smart to stay with a selfish person, even if they have bags of money and a dazzling smile.

If I got a 'gift' like that I would proclaim how much 'hellsbells loves that band, I am assuming you got 2 tickets, I'll take her, she'll love it and we can have some lovely girlie bonding time'!
Is he lovely in other ways OP or is he inherently selfish in everything?
If you are staying with him then from now on get him something YOU like doing.

I'm happy with that as long as it's something I enjoy too. If it's only something the 'giver' enjoys then it's definitely 'off'.

Divided posts on this

No they aren’t. The vast majority are agreeing that he’s selfish. Do you not want to see it maybe?

He can be selfish with his time.His gifts are generous but they are almost always for both of us in places that he wants to go to or places he wants to eat. I do enjoy them but they wouldnt be my first choice. He knows the music I like, the places I would
Like to go to but these are lot his preferences so we don't do them. He is very thoughtful so when we do go to these places, he books and organises and pays for everything.i think that he believes that he is an ace boyfriend which in lots of ways he is , because he brings me to places he 'Knows'I will like but I don't get why he won't book tickets to things I would like or places I want to go to.I expect the relationship is really on his terms then.

I wouldn’t sweat the small stuff OP, lots of women on here with partners who don’t get them presents at all. What I would do is start doing the reverse, buy him presents to stuff you would like to do and think he might enjoy. I think he will get the hint . Yes he’s probably somewhat selfish, many people are I’m afraid , both ‘nice ‘ partners and crappy partners. Look at the men who buy their wives ‘sexy’ lingerie and stuff, ok some women are ok with this, Plenty think ‘that’s a present for him’

I was about to cringe when I saw the list of things as I do things like that for my partner. He often says he doesn't want items so I try and get things that can be memories for us and nice places to go.

But then I saw he only chooses things he would like. I don't do that, I choose things I think he will like and enjoy.

Sounds like he is very lazy then. Have you brought this up with him about how it makes you feel?

Opal
Jewel that's exactly it. He does things he thinks I would like . That's how he sells them to me. So despite knowing what I'd really love, he does things that he loves and thinks I would like.
I'm happy to go along with these treats but deep down I would love for him to organise something he knows that I would absolutely love . For example, he organised a night away last year for valentines. He said that the break came just at the right time as he was tried from winter and work and he needed to recharge. This was in one of his favourite towns that I have no links with or no interest in, but he has been there many times and loves the restaurants and bars there.It was lively, thoughtful and generous but when telling me about it,it was all about him dressed up in wrapping for me. Yet I got him an exclusive whiskey that he was banging on about for months.

I expect the relationship is really on his terms then

Pretty much sounds like it - so change the dynamic.

You need to accept that you're never going to get the same level of thoughtfulness from him. And honestly, that level of thoughtfulness is pretty basic.

Again, I know my h doesn't care for crockery or bakeware, so I'm not going to make a gift out of taking him the Lakeland in Bowness on Windermere and make out like I'm doing him a favour. I hate Marmite but love marmalade, I'm not going to send my mate who loves Marmite but can take or leave marmalade a thank you gift of a box of marmalades because the gift is for her, not me. My teenage DD is not at all into makeup, perfumes or designer clothes, she's sports mad and fell-walking mad, so she's getting the set of dry bags she wants for her birthday even though I'd love to give her a bottle of Daisy perfume - it's about her not me.

It isn't a present if it's something the 'giver' wants and the receiver doesn't.

I do buy people things like this, because part of what I like about these gifts is the shared experience - but it is ALWAYS something they will love and that I might even not particularly like when it comes to concerts for example - but the whole point is that it is a present for THEM, and I am just tagging along for the fun of being with them and to share their joy.

He's showing you who he is, OP, and he doesn't even see anything wrong with it. Don't think he will change, because he won't - and as you are now seeing, this extends to way more than gifts.

I think selfishness kills a relationship quicker than almost anything else.

You're 25. There are so many men around who'd be so much nicer to be with. I think you sound a bit as though you can't believe your luck with this guy - he's 'terribly lovely' and well off (in comparison to you) - but you know what, scratch the surface and you've got a selfish guy who does what he wants, while making out to others that he is generous.

Please don't spend more time with him. Let him go and look for someone decent.

he laughed and said of course it is, isnt that what everybody does?

Op, dontalltalkatonce has nailed this. There are some people who are a bit thoughtless at gift giving and they could be moulded as they are probably not inherently selfish however there are others who are utterly selfish and will never change.. indeed they are highly likely to get much worse.

I think he is in the latter category, especially from your update. He perceives his motivations to be as everyone else's which is indicative of a deep belief.

Don't confuse organisation with concern for you. He has paid for an event that he will enjoy so he wants it to go well, therefore he will put in the effort. He does not put effort into something that you really want.

When a partner makes you feel confused it is usually because your instinct is trying to warn you. Don't judge his outward traits such as manners or success as they are often superficial. The reason I know this is because I fell for someone like this and made assumptions about him based on my character traits.

However I was very wrong and had to learn a painful lesson..Very selfish and self centred people exist but they have learned how to portray themselves so that they appear socially acceptable. However it is always their agenda. Never settle for someone like this.

How long have you been together? I would suggest you need to start being more demanding of getting your needs met. Also say No to him often, and see what reaction you get. I suspect his charming manner might slip.

Don't do "nice" because you think he is a catch. If you think he is selfish test to what level..I think it is pretty deep.