My husband is always miserable

[NotAClue101]

I've been with my husband for 10
Years, married for 2. We have an 12 month old son, who was planned.

When I met him, he was so much fun and a tight laugh. We hung out in the same crowd, and had a fantastic summer. He was a bit overweight, but I fancied him like mad.

For a good few years he remained good fun, we had a laugh, and did plenty together. I supported him in his sporting hobbies, and he would spend a lot of time doing his hobbies, but I never mixed as didn't want to be 'that woman' who told him what to do and how to spend his time.

He is by far the most selfish person I know, and I knew this when getting together.

Anyway without telling you all the whole of the last ten years, so I may miss bits out that can later be answered.

For a good three or so years my husband has become a fitness freak, goes gym five days a week, on a permanent diet of bulking or cutting (terms he uses for gaining weight or losing weight and following programs) plays golf every week etc
Since having our son, none of this has changed. His life pretty much hasn't changed too much, other than he doesn't go and 'hit balls' now on a Thursday.

I find he is just so bloody miserable, snappy, argumentative ALLLLLL of the time! He was before baby, so it's not that.

I've asked him is he unhappy, is it because I've gained weight, does he want to leave, does he wish he was with someone athletic like him, is there something we can work on....
He just replies he is fine and just busy and stressed.

I've got to a point I just don't know what to do. I miss my fun loving man, who was my bestie and now have a husband I worry about saying wrong thing.
I was getting snappy back at him and he said I was as bad, so I've done something about it. I've gone back to my doctors and discussed my current medication, as one I felt enhanced my moods...taken off of it, spoke about problems at hime etc
He won't do anything. He is particularly bad when he is cutting, as he goes in a drastic diet making him the moodiest person around! He has done this diet three times now, and I told him he is not to do it again as I'm not putting up with the constant mood.

I guess I'm only posting as wanting to vent, as don't really see friends since I've had my boy, so no one to talk too

There’s an awful lot in your post about him, his hobbies, his needs and you not being “that woman”...poor him if he had to change his life in the slightest to accommodate you and his son. What about you? How is he meeting any of your needs? What are your needs? I hope you are getting out 2 nights per week, every night to do your hobbies? You are right? Every Tuesday and Thursday is your turn? Yoga, swimming, book club...whatever. Because that would be FAIR and you are a person and need a life. It’s not just about him. Plus he sounds awful! So it’s even more important that you go get a life. He takes you for granted and doesn’t even respect you enough to be nice to you! Do you really want to live with somebody who is out that much and on constant diets? How bloody boring. Let me tell you what me and my husband did last night. We put the kids to bed together, scoffed a chilli and sat and chilled out on the sofa watching Netflix and eating chocolates. Lush. We don’t do that every night but at least 3 per week. Don’t you want that? I personally couldn’t live with somebody as selfish as your husband. You deserve better and you can do better. Let’s face it, it can’t get much worse!

Oh and right now with a baby/toddler you should have a tonne of friends. This is the easiest time in your life to make friends. Get yourself a support system. Go to a different baby group every day. Go get some fun and friendship. Start with a baby swimming group and baby yoga and find what groups are happening in your local church halls. Go find a tribe.

He is by far the most selfish person I know, and I knew this when getting together.

Yet you say this man was your "bestie?" Really? Did you think marriage and a baby would change him? It never, ever does. What you see is what you get and sadly you didn't heed the warning.

Now you have to decide how many more years of your life you're willing to waste on him.

Nothing you describe indicates he was ever going to be a good father. Maybe he was a good friend and a good boyfriend for someone who was single, into fitness and diet, selfless and who likes spending time on their own. But he is far from the person you need in a father or husband. He hasn’t changed the situation has and that can’t be unchanged for 18 years.

Your choices are to confront him and ask him to change or to accept who he is. The latter means also deciding if you want to stay married.

If you do, then remember who is if you decide to have more children. He isn’t going to change.

I don't really think it is about the gym. I think it is about the fact that he doesn't even want to spend any time with you or your child. He doesn't think you are important enough. If he stops the gym he will start something else. Life is too short.

The gym/bulking obsession and worsened mood would also make me somewhat suspicious of anabolic steroid abuse - any other signs to suggest this OP?

Is he on steroids?

He sounds incredibly selfish, vain and draining.

He is first and foremost THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN THE WORLD.

Seriously, what are you getting out of this relationship? I would actually say you are enabling this by tip-toeing around him.

Does he actually spend any time parenting his child? I'm guessing not. Time for some home-truths.

Yep - I'd go along with steroids theory as well.
Do you get any time to yourself?
Do you have family or friends nearby?
Why don't you see them?
Would they visit you or could you visit them?
Honestly, what is the point of him?
Does he bring anything positive to your life?
If not, then you know what to do.

Thanks for so many replies...I will try to answer what I can.

No, def not steroids at all...he is really against steroids, and believes in doing it all through food and hard work. He follows a fitness fanatic and watches his videos daily...no other signs of steroids (skin spots, unexplained money being spent as very expensive etc)
He spends over £100 a month of all these weird and wonderful drinks.

Once little one is in bed we do watch Netflix's together, and agree on a series together before watching...he would choose otherwise, so we agreed that it has to be something we both like.

I do have friends and I reach out to them, offering to visit them with or without baby (I know some people like child free catch ups) but find since I've had baby I've sadly realized who my real friends are...and sadly the number is small.

I see my mum every week, and some weeks a few times as it depends on her days off (works in care) we do lots together and she is my best friend. She had baby today for me so I could have some me time alone.

I think husband has always had it very easy with me as he knows i will never be the kind of woman that dictates to a man what he can/can't do...however, when in the past he has totally taken the piss I.e golf all weekend, lads night out and then wanting to do something else I've said no, not happening and to choose...

It doesn't bother me having a golf day at weekend and I'm not bothered too much about gym...on the odd day it pisses me off and I tell him so. His argument is its part of a healthy lifestyle, and he is putting his health up there as a priority (I know, I know what you will think)

We spend the other day at weekend together as a family doing whatever we fancy.

He always says if I want to go out just let him know and he will have babe.

It sounds like he is a total dick, but he isn't..it's just what is taken from a post of ten years condensed.

He is loving, trustworthy, hardworking and much more. He is fully supporting me finically for two months so I could have the maximum time off with our baby...he supports me majority financially as he is the higher earner, if I ask him to do something for me like take me somewhere, go get me tea or some nibbles from shop he does it...he adores our boy, and gets up with him in the mornings at the weekend to let me have a lay in, he rubs my feet every night to relax me, and pays for me to have weekly appointments with a chiropractor to help my bad back post baby...there is so much more but can't think of it all...so please don't think he is a total dick as he really isn't. It's just the miserableness I find hard to deal with as not sure the cause of it. He is probably the most upfront person I know, so if there was an issue in our marriage I'm sure he would happily say....am I just overreacting and maybe a little sensitive? These posts are always hard, I understand, as you can't get much from what people say...just wanted to vent really, as feeling lonely on the friend front being as all of mine are not as close as I once thought

Steroids came to mind for me as well I'm afraid.

Steroids or an eating disorder comes to mind

Whatever it is, he prioritises that over his family

Not such a Great Guy

Steroids came to mind for me too. My sisters went through something similar with her partner a few years back.

Nice, happy, pleasant guy, became obsessed with the gym, and his eating, turned into a miserable, grumpy, nasty man within weeks of joining, turned out not only was he taking steroids, he was dealing them too.

Does sound like Roid Rage. He may talk it down but its hard to avoid amongst the guys in the gym.

He just replies he is fine and just busy and stressed

Well he might be fine, but you're not, are you? Him being busy and stressed is having a negative effect on your relationship. He's treating you like chief cook and bottle-washer and he's far too busy getting on with his busy life to remember that you are supposed to be a team bringing up a family together.

Whatever the reasons for his behaviour, he doesn't have the right to treat you like shit. I bet he doesn't talk to his mates like he talks to you, does he?

He needs a massive wake-up call. Are you prepared to give it to him?

Just because he says he is not using steroids doesn't mean he isn't. Are his moods extreme?

@Belfield no not extreme...just generally like he is worn out and grumpy all the time. When he does his cutting phase (hardly any calories and no carbs) is when he is unbearable...I've told him he can't do it again as too unfair on me and now baby to consider and he has agreed it's too extreme.

I would bet my life on no steroids, as steroids have a lot of common signs such as back acne etc and he has none of that, and like o said I would notice that sort of money being spent as it's very expensive

Thank you @karenandklaudia that's a really sweet reply x

That is a fucking batshit reply

karenandklaudia I think your issues may be slightly different to the OP’s. The OP hasn’t mentioned that she has become male recently.

Brilliant

Op, if you thought that was a "sweet" reply you have more issues than I thought

Steroids dont necessarily mean bad acne, and theyre not that expensive when u see how they last. Regardless... he is a person living his life and u are a person living ur life for others . Thats were the key to everything lies. U shouldnt be. With regards of ur kids, sure, live for them forever. With regards to a partner? Nah, partnership is about teamwork. And u dont have anybody on your team because he prioritises himself over anything else.

Steroids. I say this from experience of my DD bio dad.