Feeling inadequate about the kids and Christmas due to exH's gf

[DtPeabodysLoosePants]

Just a bit of a vent really.
I have 2 dds aged 10 and 12. They go to their dad's (well his gf's) EOW and will be spending part of Christmas with him there. They have 5 other kids there so there's 7 kids altogether. I'm a single mum and do my best with what money I have to give them a great Christmas. We are going away for a weekend before Christmas to do festive things in a beautiful city, we will do Christmas baking, festive events at school, church, an event at the local NT place along with the usual Christmas crafts and decorating. For me it's more important to have time together doing various Christmassy things than buy lots of gifts for the sake of it.
Dd told me last night that the gf spends £500 each on the kids. That's £3,500! They are also going to centre parcs over the Christmas holidays.
I feel shit that I can't spend this much or take them away for a proper holiday. But then I think how mad it is to spend so much at Christmas when they are all cramped into a small 3 bed house. My DDs share a room with the gf's 2 dds. It's cramped to say the least. They have their own rooms here.
ExH does pay minimal maintenance but doesn't pay any extra for uniform or school trips. It's his gf that buys them clothes for their house, not him. He always tells the girls he hasn't any money.
It's none of my business how they spend their money I know, but their skewed priorities affect the kids as they are living in cramped conditions yet spending so much on Christmas and driving top of the range cars.
The dds are of an age where money spent on them is important to them and I just feel crap that I can't do the same for them. I remember being materialistic at their age and wanting what friends had and feeling very envious and resentful that my parents couldn't afford the same. I grew out of it of course and know my parents did their best too.

Sorry, it's a bit of a waffle but I feel better for getting it all out

We'll have a great Christmas, we really will, but when I hear of all their gifts I'll have to smile and hide the sadness I feel.

Christmas is an emotional time for me at best. Having to share my kids for the day makes it harder.

I think the only response to this (to your dd everytime she mentions it) is that they are lucky their dad’s girlfriend can afford to spend so much money on them over Christmas and to make sure they say thank you. And that it’s rude to compare Christmas gifts.

@DtPeabodysLoosePants try not to compare and contrast. You're making memories with your kids: the toys will be forgotten about.

Plus 500 per child is madness.

It sucks. But they'll have awesome fun memories of the stuff you do together as they get older.

So smile and be excited for them when they get gifts. It's great that they're not treated differently whilst there.

I don't like sharing mine over the holidays, but I'm eternally grateful that the kids have loads of people around who love them.

Ultimately children don't remember the gifts. We go to a pottery painting place every year and make a decoration each. We also chose something new for our tree together and go to the Christmas markets. These are the things they remember, your children will look back so fondly on the baking and all the other activities.

It's only natural for you to compare, but you are giving them so much more than what's under the tree.

That’s not a sensible amount to spend on a child.

You sound like a good parent. Your children will understand - in future - that money isn’t the most important thing.

Thank you
For a start I don't know where £3,500 worth of stuff goes in that house as it's full to the rafters as it is and nothing comes back here at all. Dds do complain that they get 2 sackfuls of what they class as mainly plastic stuff that isn't personal to their likes. I focus on things I know they want and that I know will get used. So many things over the years have been a waste of money and I'm trying to clear the house of unused items. I've cut down massively on "stuff" and plastic since last year.
It's hard for the girls because our home and their house are so different in so many ways and it's hard to adjust between the two.

@DtPeabodysLoosePants so the kids are telling you what their getting isn't what they like or need. They're old enough now to appreciate thoughtful gifts and that will grow as they get older. They'll also want they're own space soon so you'll notice they'll give out about sharing bedrooms at dads gfs house.

I'm a single parent too and I don't earn as much as my ex and can't spoilt them as much as I like so I focus on the things that mattered in my childhood, family days out, family activities etc.

It's easy for us mums to put ourselves down. But you're trying your best and your Christmas activities sounds absolutely amazing, you've two very lucky kids

@DtPeabodysLoosePants I just wanted to say that when I look back on my childhood I remember the outings and trips that we had rather than the presents. And you and your girls will be reminiscing on your special memories made together for years to come You sound like a loving, wonderful Mum and should be proud.

Hi op, as hard as it is you are the best gift in their lives. What ever you get is with love and care not tat that they may use once and never look at again.

As people said above time spent with family is what sticks in the child mind.

My parents worked 7 days a week and christmas was no exception. They would be up at 6 I'd quickly open my stocking then they would head to work. Mum would come back and finish cooking the dinner then all the workers would come to the house for a meal. Then back to work again my best ever christmas when I was younger was when I was 11 and my parents didn't have to work Christmas day it was my first one where I had them all to myself all day. Best day ever.

You're all going to have me crying, thank you for the lovely words. This is the first Christmas where it will be just me and ds on Christmas morning. His dad has only met him once as a baby and has no contact at his request. My mum is going down south to my brother's so it will be very quiet until the dds come back in the afternoon and all the squeals of excitement will start Ds will be lost without them as will I.
I guess it is about the quality time as twee as it sounds. It seems like the gf tries to buy their affections. She criticises me at every opportunity. He chose you love, you've got nothing to worry about from me! Drives me crazy but yes, you're all right and have cheered me up greatly

When I was little we didn't have much money and a big family to stretch what cash my parents had. I know I was quite envious of what other children received at the time. Looking back, I can see I had a fantastic time at Christmas, making food and homemade treats with my mum, midnight mass and hot chocolate after, walks in the park after Christmas lunch, endless board games and just being silly with my sisters. Eventually your girls will realise what's important and that sackfulls of plastic tat are just landfill. Sounds like you are doing just fine and buying affection never works.

When relationships break down and people move on, it’s shit. Especially at times like Xmas. Sounds like whilst the house is small that the new gf does fully involve your girls though and buys them stuff and has included them in what sounds like a great holiday to CP over Xmas.

Try not to see it the way you do. It’s not a competition for who gives them the best presents or who creates the best memories. I’m sure they will love spending time with both of you over Xmas.

It does suck though.

Does your mum know how you feel OP? Could she change her plans?

I always think that when DS has things with his dad (holidays or whatever) it’s still nice for him to experience these things.

Your Christmas plans sound lovely, they know that they are your priority and that’s what’s important, £500 of impersonal tat will never replace that!

have you asked your girls how they feel about being bought excessive amounts of toys? It might make them feel uncomfortable, especially receiving a gift they don’t actually want or have not asked for?

You sound like you are raising your girls really well and you should be proud. Let the sour faced cow try buy their affections but you’ll always be their mum

Mum knows I'm on my own with ds but she takes it in turns to spend Christmas with us. She can't be with me every year even though I wish she could. She's 80 so now I'm not sure how many more 5 hour journeys she can do for future Christmases. Next year is my sisters turn and then back to me but I won't have the dd again. My sister lives locally at least so I'll still see mum for part of the day just not Christmas dinner. I'm NC with both siblings but even when I wasn't there was never any invitation for us there.

I think dds are still impressed with the sheer volume of presents but starting to question things a little over the last couple of Christmases. Things are quite fragile there from what they say.

I shouldn't compare I know but it's hard not to. I've always said to them that I'm glad they have different holidays and experiences with their dad as then they get a much wider experience of things. We do lots of outdoor things like the Peak District, the beach, the Lakes, local walks, castles, cities, the local cinema occasionally, local restaurants, parks around the country, baking and crafts, and weekends away. They do indoor swimming, trampolining, centre parcs, local parks, lots of gaming,lrestaurants/pubs, horse riding and proper weeks away. It's a good variety and they are very lucky to do what they do. They just wish ultimately that we were still together but he's abusive so no chance even if he hadn't moved on with a new family.

Before I know it they'll be grown up and can make a choice of where to spend Christmas but they'll feel bad about that so I'm glad I'm a way that we share the day so they see us all.

Who told your DD that they all get £500 of presents each? That's a heck of a lot of stuff, sounds like a bit of an exaggeration to me, especially as you say that nothing comes back with them.

They must love the calm when they come home.

My exh spent stupid cash on dc.
Didn't make him a decent df I promise you...
They haven't seen him for 3 years..
What you have planned sounds great op.
2 on one time with their dm will be a much better time!!

Dd1 is on the spectrum like me and finds lots of people and noise too much to cope with at times. I can't imagine the chaos of Christmas morning there with 7 kids but it sounds fun too with all the excitement there must be. It is generally quiet and calm here. We've had a family worker recently to try and help sort the problems at dads and when she came here she commented on how quiet and calm and clean and tidy it was. It's not particularly clean and tidy at all! Proper lived in look here as no one ever puts anything away 😩

I don't know where that figure has come from. They don't know how much I spend on them and they definitely wouldn't ask so must have been told. Gf likes to brag about how much things cost. Having seen ex's bank statements and payslips as part of the divorce they must have a lot of debt as they are living well beyond their means. It's sad really that they feel the need to buy so much and spend so much when all the girls want is their dad's time and attention. Sure they love presents, but they aren't a substitute for time.

I'd much rather have what you are giving your kids than any other upbringing. You are doing a great job.

You sound lovely
They will grow up and remember the lovely things you do , not the expensive toys

It’s a shit time of year really

But you sound like a fab Mum

@DtPeabodysLoosePants it sounds like they're over compensating. Just be glad you got out and you're not up to you're eyeballs in debt buying your kids love.

OP you sound like a wonderful mother and your children are very lucky to have you. As a single parent you are doing so much for them and already more than many other parents do.

£3500 is a silly amount

Don’t compare yourself to them - it’s like comparing apples with oranges and there is no need. You both parent in different ways and your children will love both you and your ex immensely

The most important thing is that you do your best for them even if it’s more difficult- they will love you more and appreciate you for that

I'm feeling quite content with what they have from me this year despite being told that dad has got them EVERYTHING on their lists. Dd2 has no need for a laptop whatsoever so more fool him. And she said this morning that she hopes she doesn't get a load of clothes this year as she doesn't really like their taste 😂
This weekend we are putting up our decorations but not the tree, baking mince pies and cookies, going to our local NT place to see the Christmas displays and watching festive films. It's going to be great and it's cold and frosty so it will seem very festive indeed 🎄

Your DDs are lucky. They get two different types of Christmases so they know what to do when they are adults and can afford to buy presents for people. Let's say they will more likely be the type who put thought into each gift they get someone regardless of how much they can afford.