Feeling inadequate about the kids and Christmas due to exH's gf

[DtPeabodysLoosePants]

Just a bit of a vent really.
I have 2 dds aged 10 and 12. They go to their dad's (well his gf's) EOW and will be spending part of Christmas with him there. They have 5 other kids there so there's 7 kids altogether. I'm a single mum and do my best with what money I have to give them a great Christmas. We are going away for a weekend before Christmas to do festive things in a beautiful city, we will do Christmas baking, festive events at school, church, an event at the local NT place along with the usual Christmas crafts and decorating. For me it's more important to have time together doing various Christmassy things than buy lots of gifts for the sake of it.
Dd told me last night that the gf spends £500 each on the kids. That's £3,500! They are also going to centre parcs over the Christmas holidays.
I feel shit that I can't spend this much or take them away for a proper holiday. But then I think how mad it is to spend so much at Christmas when they are all cramped into a small 3 bed house. My DDs share a room with the gf's 2 dds. It's cramped to say the least. They have their own rooms here.
ExH does pay minimal maintenance but doesn't pay any extra for uniform or school trips. It's his gf that buys them clothes for their house, not him. He always tells the girls he hasn't any money.
It's none of my business how they spend their money I know, but their skewed priorities affect the kids as they are living in cramped conditions yet spending so much on Christmas and driving top of the range cars.
The dds are of an age where money spent on them is important to them and I just feel crap that I can't do the same for them. I remember being materialistic at their age and wanting what friends had and feeling very envious and resentful that my parents couldn't afford the same. I grew out of it of course and know my parents did their best too.

Sorry, it's a bit of a waffle but I feel better for getting it all out

We'll have a great Christmas, we really will, but when I hear of all their gifts I'll have to smile and hide the sadness I feel.

Christmas is an emotional time for me at best. Having to share my kids for the day makes it harder.

If your DDs don’t like the sacks of gifts from their dad and step mum I’m sure they could ask to have fewer things or for something specific they’ll enjoy.

If she spent more on her own children than her step children I’m sure people would be up in arms so at least she’s fair.

The more you post OP the less it sounds like you’re worried about not spending as much and more like you think their lives are shit, their home is awful, their priorities are wrong, their gifts are crap and thoughtless, your DDs are unhappy there and you’re the only adult doing a decent job. Fair enough, you’re entitled to a rant if it helps but this isn’t really about Christmas budgets is it.

How lovely that your girls get such polarity. It will really help them understand what works for them - as they grow up. I'm pretty certain that I know which lifestyle they'll prefer and therefore choose

You are doing a much nicer thing, making happy fun memories for you children to cherish and some gifts too.
Doing fun things together will be a lot nicer for your children. I'd rather spend time with my family.

Massive sympathy but no advice I'm afraid.

My partners exist an absolute bell end about money to the point just her attitude effects me mentally. I've spent an hour tonight in the kitchen breathing through overwhelming waves of anger.

Shes got horses and alsorts but has asked us for money on top of maintenance almost every other day this month despite purchasing another horse

Makes out it's for the kids. None of the kids are horsey. She pays some fuckwit cheap for lessons. Child has made zero progress (I am horsey and have taught a lot. Aswell as with SEN riders. Never had one make no progress in 6 months) a
and outright tells me shes trying to make it fun but she just cant.

She prioritises spending time teaching them to do things they'll never stick at (she will sell the horses at some point) and dont enjoy over teaching them things like toilet training. The eldest issnt dry at night (nearly 9) as a result of her mothers negligence and has only just mentioned booking in at the docs. The 5 year old isnt dry because it's easier to stick a pull up on and I'm sorry its fucking rank. There is no bladder or sleep issue and i have to take deep breaths when she casually mentions it's nice to have a pull up on because she doesnt have to look away from YouTube to wee. And it's not the same as a toddler I'm sorry it smells the same as if I started walking round pissing on everything. It smells on her skin and hair because of basically lounging in her own wee for 12 hours.

It's the kids who will suffer. Their mother walks around seemingly oblivious to the pressures and awkwardness she causes them. She thinks everyone sees her as some super mum spending every penny on the kids. But the reality is shes a scrubber and lives like a pig and spends every day asking other people to fund it.

I certainly wouldn't envy them. It wont be long before they're being bullied at school or snapping and lashing out under the pressure.

Last time she did this with the last lot of horses she had middle one ended up nearly bald ripping her hair out and looked drugged on pics etc her eyes would go glassy like she was somewhere else.

Not only that the tempers that come with these people is off the scale when their facade starts to crumble and they realise people are seeing the reality (shes about during again as had same group for a few months. They'll be getting sick of enabling it)

I do see your issue because it is a lot of money (i personally wouldn't spend that much) but i think youre almost happy that dad and gf are getting it wrong? Youre happy that your kids arent happy which isnt very nice.

Its not about the money, its about having parents who care. You clearly do and their dad and gf obviously do but show it in a different way than you do . I think its mean to take the piss about what they buy and bitch about their "small house" because they have different priorities than you. I am sure you wouldnt like it if they took the piss about the activities etc that you do.

Its not a competition.

I’m also a single mum and I lost my job last year and my new job is a lot less money. It’s great in many ways - in a school so holidays off and shorter days. But can’t argue that the money is crap! I had the conversation with dd (8) that Santa won’t be delivering as many gifts this year because mummy has less money. [santa brings one gift from him and the rest from me]. She told me that was fine because she gets so much more time with me to do things together through the year and that is the most important thing not presents.

Also her father (very part time) will spend a fortune. I honestly think it’s the memories of things you do with your kids that matters not how expensive their gifts are if they have no meaning.

I think its mean to take the piss about what they buy and bitch about their "small house" because they have different priorities than you. I am sure you wouldnt like it if they took the piss about the activities etc that you do

It's not making fun of. These people arent short of money but they are addicts and the most extreme like drug addicts. Just replace the drugs with "stuff".

It's not the same as simply having lots of stuff these people neglect important shit to feed their addiction. The effect it has on the kids is profound and we worry will alienate them eventually.

And just like the families and partners of addicts and the abuse that normally comes with it, we suffer through things normal people couldn't imagine. But because society sees addiction as a scruffy dirty junkie in a doorway with a needle in their arm, we have basically no voice because society doesnt see addiction in consumerism.

Honestly I've spent a lot of time around drug addicts etc and its the same shit in a different circle.

Exactly DramaLlamaLady. Thank you. They are abusive which is why we've had a family worker involved.

It breaks my heart that the children are unhappy. They come home every time upset over something and there's nothing I can do because the court has said they have to go. Because the abuse is emotional and psychological it's not as recognised by the powers that be and I've fought for 7 years and not got anywhere. I am
NC wil my exH due to his abuse of me.

The house isn't small. It's just that it's not big enough for them all. They prioritise cars over beds ffs. It took years to get the dds beds of their own there instead of sharing. So yes, it makes me angry. Why should my dds suffer because their priorities are screwed?

But this was about Christmas presents. Otherwise I'd have just had a rant about priorities. Even if I disagree on what they spend and what they spend it on, I still feel shitty when I can't provide the same things for my kids as they do in terms of holidays and piles of gifts. However I've always said to the dc that it's good they have parents who do different things with them as that way they get more variety of experiences. It would be boring if we both did the same things.

It clearly wasnt about Christmas presents at all though was it.

And addiction? Put the armchair psychology book down.

We have the same problem, BF’s exwife is in a massive salary and BF was made redundant recently. So she spends literally hundreds of pounds a day on holidays (that without considering the cost of the hotel/flights), the kids not only get everything they want but the best that is available, then spend the days they are with BF complaining about how boring and shit everything is even when the dad had spent the week on beans on toast to ensure he has enough money for the petrol to take them to all the sports and classes mum signs them for at the weekends.

The younger seems to have adapted better to the reality that her dad is not able to afford much as her mum, the older one... has became so entitled, he looks down on his dad but doesn’t respect his mum either, he is horrible to both.

The only thing I can suggest is to not ruin your kids and their lives by overcompensating, this is not a competition, you both are different, have different rules and provide them with different things... see it like this, you put in the magic of Christmas, he pays for the expensive gifts.

If you were still together, the kids would be getting just a set of gifts not one set for each parent, so when you feel like this or pressured to deliver things you can’t deliver, just ask yourself “if their dad and I were still together would I be saying yes to this?” I bet the answer 90% of the time is “no”.