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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What I have found?!

31 replies

staylor1295 · 14/11/2019 12:05

Me and my husband have been married for 12 years and been together for 19 years. We have 3 children together.

When I was pregnant with my last child 9 years ago I found out that he had been chatting online over social media to an old female school friend, of course I didnt mind. But after a few weeks I saw the messages and once I went to bed at night the messages started getting explicit, sending photos of each other etc.
The next day I confronted him and told him to delete her, so he did.

A year later, I noticed they was friends again and it started again. So again I told him he has a choice, me or her, he chose me and I told him to block her.

Last night his phone was bleeping but he would look at his phone until I got up of the sofa. I felt suspicious!
Unfortunately, I am not sleeping very well at the moment and I was awake and downstairs at 5.30am. I check his phone and it appears that he has downloaded a dating app. There was also conversation on a chat app with a girl mid October that he wants to meet up with a nice lady and have good sex and maybe oral.
Theres also a video on his phone of him playing with himself and making himself cum all over himself.
Fact is that it's not as if he dont get sex, he gets it 1-2 per week. At the moment I have been having lady issues which lasted for 8 weeks and doctor said tests reveal I am early menopause. So with this my sex drive will be lower then normal.
Now do I confront him about this or not?
Or just leave it and carry on. I dont want to be the paranoid wife!

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 14/11/2019 12:09

Now do I confront him about this or not?

Yes. 100%. Get your ducks in order then throw his cheating arse out.

TubbyMcTat77 · 14/11/2019 12:10

You aren't being paranoid. You've caught him many times. This is surely all the evidence you need. It doesn't sound like he has any intention of being faithful to you. I'm sorry but you are better off without this creep.

DeadBod · 14/11/2019 12:12

You're not being paranoid, you've got actual evidence.

MMadness · 14/11/2019 12:18

Dude.

Lose him. What else do you need?

Ilovethekitties · 14/11/2019 12:27

You're not being paranoid, lol. You've caught him on a dating app trying to arrange sex and videos he has taking of him ejaculating on himself.

What more do you need to tell him to get the fuck out of the house?!

He is a pig.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/11/2019 12:32

You really don't know what to do?

middlemuddle · 14/11/2019 12:34

Is this real? How would you be a paranoid wife if you have blatant evidence? Confused

Sort stuff out first then kick him out.

Inebriati · 14/11/2019 12:35

Make sure you get copies of your evidence backed up in a safe place.

Yankeescot · 14/11/2019 12:36

OP, why in the world would you put up with this treatment for so many years from him? He does it because he knows you'll just give him another free pass. He clearly cheats on you, you accept it and it just carries on.

You're not being paranoid! I'd be getting my ducks in row and LTB. After confronting him. You deserve better from a Husband. The fact that you're even asking if you should confront or carry on leads me to believe that he's gaslighted you over the years. I get it, I've been there. Choose you and your happiness.

PersephoneOP · 14/11/2019 12:40

He literally is asking other women to have sex with him, and has cheated on you twice before - (yes, sending those pictures counts as cheating) - please, please leave him. He sound awful.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/11/2019 12:44

Now do I confront him about this or not?

Why on earth would you put up with this and 'just carry on'?

Have some self respect and kick his cheating arse out. Start divorce proceedings and get yourself an STI test.

JacksonPillock · 14/11/2019 12:45

Now do I confront him about this or not?
Or just leave it and carry on

Wait... what? Why would you just leave it and carry on? I guess if you're happy being in a non-monogamous relationship where you husband secretly cheats on you, then yeah, just leave it and carry on.

Personally I'd have none of that shit. It's not even the first time so this guy is clearly a prick. LTB

IFartGlitterAndRainbows · 14/11/2019 12:50

LTB you're worth more than thatWineThanks

sarahjconnor · 14/11/2019 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pickitup · 14/11/2019 12:52

I think you need to see a solicitor, get your ducks in line and decide how best to proceed.
I would give him enough rope to catch him out and present with the evidence.
Whatever you do, you deserve better

WWlOOlWW · 14/11/2019 12:53

You don't want to be paranoid?? Fuck me you need to be more paranoid. This 'man' is a cheating fucker and you are wondering if you are being paranoid?!?! Please leave this worthless excuse of a man. Disgusting.

Fairycake2 · 14/11/2019 13:00

After such a long time together and 3 children to consider I can see why you might want to ignore it but sadly it definitely looks like he's already been unfaithful and will continue to do so. As others have suggested, I would speak to a solicitor, get some advice then confront him and ask him to leave. It's going to be tough but you deserve not to be cheated on. Good luck x

stophuggingme · 14/11/2019 13:04

No you really should leave him. Why stay and out up with this? You would be living a lie (again) with a liar. He will never change and why should you wreck the rest of your life and self esteem hoping for something that won’t happen?

He is disgusting for doing that sort of thing when you are pregnant and very vulnerable. He is grubby and deceitful. You are not paranoid. You found out the truth.

Blindspot82 · 14/11/2019 13:07

I personally don't think I could ever feel comfortable and truly trusting of my partner again if he did this to me. He clearly wants to have sex with other women. That would be a deal-breaker for me I'm afraid.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 14/11/2019 13:27

He's blatantly a serial cheating tomcat and likely has been for years OP.
It would have to be divorce for me, as he has no loyalty or respect.

LemonPrism · 14/11/2019 13:29

That's not paranoia you have explicit evidence!

userxx · 14/11/2019 13:29

Now do I confront him about this or not?

Why would you not? You cant bury your head in the sand after seeing this and why would you want to?

loserssaywhat · 14/11/2019 13:33

Here's the thing, you've let him get away with it twice in the past.
He has zero respect for you.
You can confront him if you want but if you're just gonna tell him to delete the app and then carry on like nothing has happened then what's the point.
He's done it before and there have been no consequences.
The cycle will continue unless you end it!

DishingOutDone · 14/11/2019 13:35

Marriage is over, I am surprised you are asking? What are the practicalities, can you ask him to leave for a while and then see a solicitor?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/11/2019 13:42

You have to decide whether you can live a happy and fulfilled life with a husband who is not going to be faithful to you. He cheats. It’s what he does. Sometimes he takes a break from it because you call him on it but he doesn’t live you or respect you enough not to do it again.
If you ignore it for another few years and then he actually leaves, what effect will it have on your self-esteem? You are worth more than this.

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