Husband in a mood over sex

[Mamabear1988]

Husband is in a mood because I dont want sex tonight. I'm ill and in pain for a start.

There have been issues for a while and 3 times this week hes said he wants it more often. I've told him straight its boring and he makes no effort so not surprising I dont want it. We only kiss if its leading to sex, and he cant keep it hard so that's a turn off, he only finishes if I talk about things like anal. I just wonder if it was me having an issue if he would make me go to the doctors but it's alright for him...we do only have sex about 3/4 times a month so not great but it's both of us with different schedules etc.

Am I right to be annoyed about this?! I feel like it's only his feelings that matter. So now I'm on the couch whilst hes upstairs In bed. He wont bother trying to sort it. I'll stay here all night.

Absolutely you have a point. You're not just their for his sexual gratification, us woman have hopefully moved on from being repressed housewives cleaning and blowing our husband at their command.

However, if you are trying to communicate that you would be willing to throw down more often then you need to be in the mood too, perhaps suggest ways in which he can do this for you. If your sex is 'boring', what's going to spice it up a bit? He might be a bit salty upon hearing his love making abilities are boring - that's not going to be easy for someone to hear.

Spend some time naked together and see what he can do for you that you like? If it's the case that you dont have a sex drive and you cannot get this back currently you'll need to have a Frank conversation about how you expect him to deal with this. On one hand he shouldn't throw his toys put of the pram because he's horny, but on the other he has certain needs that he will want fulfilled.

Difficult - good luck!

Your husband sounds quite revolting. At very least, he is inconsiderate. Most of us like sex a lot of the time but nobody does all the time, especially if unwell, what's more no one actually 'needs' sex, there are other things to do.

I've told him that I need to feel close to him by talking, spending time together etc. He just pervs over me all the time. Hangs around til I am getting changed or showered etc and thinks I should see it as a compliment. I don't. It makes me feel like a piece of meat. I've said it many times, it just doesn't get any better. I have suggested and we've tried different things but because if so much porn use in the past he can't keep it hard and it always has to be talk of things I don't want to do. In the end I just say these things so that he leaves me alone. Writing this out has made me realise how bad this is. It should feel amazing and special not dirty and doing it for an easy life. I feel stupid for putting up with it.

There are few things as off-putting as being pestered for sex.

Some men refuse to understand that. The type who thinks himself entitled to sex, whether or not their partner gets anything out of it, are often also the types who think it is the womans responsibility to figure out how to enjoy sex with him, rather than this being his own responsibility.

It is so unattractive.

@fallingirl sounds like this situation.

That behaviour is utterly disrespectful OP, if you have respectfully asked you to stop and he is not doing if by continuing to grab at you constitutes sexual abuse. He does not own your body. Why would it be a compliment? Your only offering as a woman is not defined by how turned on you make your spouse ffs.

How much porn is he watching? It sounds like he may need some counselling as porn may be altering the way he views sex and your role as the woman in the relationship. My partner and I both watch porn when the other isn't about, but when we make love it's very much abour mutual gratification, I never feel like a piece of meat (unless I want to, lol).

Why are you staying with this man?

Sad to hear that you're doing it for an easy life OP, really sad reading. Hugs.

I was young when we got together and was so desperate to be loved that i put up with these things. He seemed to get better but think I just thought that's how sex was. I obviously now realise it isn't and that's why the issues have come about. I do really love him and he does apologise for how he has been in the past, but recently started being like it again.

Bless you @Mamabear1988 - would he go and see a councillor with you to discuss the issues you're having?

does he use porn currently? Not staying hard and getting you to say things that are unpleasant for you does not sound good.

Perhaps relationship counselling and cutting down work/other activities to just spend more time together (if possible) may help? He sounds selfish.

In some respects I know how you feel @Mamabear1988. I don’t have much of a sex drive anymore and my fiancé constantly moans and makes ‘jokes’ about it and I tell him that puts me off more. I said maybe try not mentioning it and then I might want it!

Tell him to bore off and have a wank.

@wantthismummy

Sorry you're feeling it too. It's hard work. It seems to be all about what they want doesn't it. His mum is babysitting soon overnight which we've never had before and all he's going on about is the opportunities for sex that night. I'm so exhausted running after everyone that alot of nights I barely make it to 9pm atm. My kids get up before 6 often and he obviously isn't up dealing with them. I'm sad :-(

@Mamabear1988 I know exactly how you feel. We had a night away after going to see a comedian a couple of months ago and we went out for a few drinks after.
To start with he had booked a room with twin beds instead of double by mistake and his response was “well you’ll be happy about that won’t you” and tried pushing the beds together, I said what’s the point we’ll only fall down the middle of it! Then he sulked as though I’d planned for him to book the wrong type of room. When we got in all I wanted to do was sit and eat my KFC(!) and just watch a bit of TV. He then went on and on and me about not finding him attractive, fancying other people, and got quite nasty. I couldn’t even be arsed to argue I just sat and ate KFC while watching Police Intercepters until he finally fell asleep moaning to himself. It’s so off putting. If he just let it happen naturally he might get it more. Same as you I try not to kiss him as I know when we do he’ll try to get it to lead to more. He’ll walk past me or come up to me when I’m doing dinner or whatever and grab my fanny (sorry!) as though I should love it.
He thinks it’s personal but I just don’t have much sex drive, it’s not like I really fancy it but he repulses me so I don’t bother.
It’s just a case of having a toddler demanding my time and attention all the time that when I do get spare time I want it to myself!
It’s difficult x

I've had men who nag for sex, and do worse. And ones who can only get off by really gross stuff. It's awful, isn't it? Hugs xxxxx

Lets be honest here.

Saying "If you didn;'t pester/nag/grope me I might want it more" is bollocks.

You are never going to want it more, because you've fell out of "fancying" him. (Because his childish sulky behaviour has put you off.) Make him own it. "I'm unlikely to ever want sex with you again as your behaviour has turned me off so much."

Don't sugar coat it. It will be the end of your relationship. But god isn't it worth it?

Don't stay with a man who treats you like a sex doll
I know its not easy to leave but please take some steps towards your freedom op

Was he older than you when you got together OP?

It's horrible being treated like this.

I think this is going to spiral and get worse until one of you is grown up enough to do something different to break the cycle.

Doesn’t sound much fun for either of you. He needs to be more respectful but, if you’re genuinely repulsed by him as much as your OP suggests, tell him

It will only get worse. There is no joy in a life with this man.

This is the main reason my ex is now an ex. He just didn't get it. There is nothing more off putting

and he cant keep it hard so that's a turn off, he only finishes if I talk about things like anal

He sounds absolutely vile. If you can’t easily LTB I’d at least tell him there is zero chance of sex in the foreseeable until he makes big changes. Sex ban!

Yuk! No one fancies a man like that! He's ruined it for himself.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Were you taking to me or OP? x

I tried to explain to my XP that I needed to feel emotionally close to want sex. He wouldn't hold my hand, touch me (if it wasn't sexually), hug me or cuddle me. There was literally, for him, no point in any kind of closeness if it didn't lead to sex. And I was supposed to get aroused at the sight of his erection or at a joke a nine year old might find funny. No attempt to turn me on as a person. Like one yank of a nipple and I should be up and running.

He could NOT understand that women don't function like some men. That the mere sight of a nude body is NOT ENOUGH to turn us on, that most of us need more than an expression of sexual interest to be raring to go; that we need some connection.

It was quite an eye opener into what some men seem to think and how their minds function. That some of them cannot undestand that we don't all think the same way and we aren't all turned on by what turns them on - almost as though we are a 'hive mind'.

It was interesting and ultimately horrible. I think you need to get yourself away from your partner, OP, and maybe do some counselling for yourself.

Why dont you try mixing it up OP...

Get a sexy number and light some candles - seduce him.

If you want something different from him be vocal in the moment... not outside of the moment .. i think this works very well and i think you will be suprised at the difference this tactic can make!

Wishing you the best...