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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused! Am I a FWB or more?

29 replies

GingerKittenCat · 13/11/2019 20:50

I have been seeing a man who I have known for a few years for around 4 months now. We have both separated within the last year, both have DC with our respective STBX spouses.

Initially he chased me hard as I wasn't sure if I was ready to start dating. I eventually agreed after he suggested that we take things slowly and see how we go as we both carry emotional baggage.

When we are together we have a great time together. Conversation flows easily, we have a lot of shared interests and sexually we are very compatible. I'm in danger of becoming emotionally involved. I am however feeling confused about where the relationship is going.

We generally see each other once a week or thereabouts. Sometimes we might see each other twice in a week and others we go nearly two weeks without getting together depending on when we can both be child free.

I'm starting to feel a bit like a FWB. He now rarely messages me between when we see each other other. I usually have to initiate messages to arrange seeing him which I find odd after he chased me so much for the first few weeks and before we got together. If he messages me first then it will usually be with a a sexual innuendo. When we are together he is very affectionate towards me. He obviously enjoys my company. He constantly wants to stroke my hand or thigh in a non sexual way if we are having a quiet night watching TV. But his lack of initiating contact along with the sexual innuendos when he does contact me first is starting to make me feel like he's viewing me more as a FWB. I have brought up the lack of him initiating contact and he just says that he is in his busy period at work so doesn't check his phone constantly. I don't want to make a big fuss about it to him as I know I can be inclined to over react. Is he using me as FWB without telling me that is what he has relegated me to or is he doing what he said about taking things slowly? I'm confused!

OP posts:
GingerKittenCat · 13/11/2019 20:51

Sorry I appear to have War & Peace!

OP posts:
GingerKittenCat · 13/11/2019 20:52

*written

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 13/11/2019 20:56

It sounds like you need to have a conversation about what this is. Do you know if you are exclusive?

MikeUniformMike · 13/11/2019 20:57

He's done the chase and he caught you. He's probably chasing someone else now.

GingerKittenCat · 13/11/2019 21:31

@Notcoolmum yes, we are exclusive. I'm trying to avoid having the big chat about what we both want and pressure him & possibly push him away if I'm just over reacting thanks to my (many) issues. I am however getting mixed signals from him. He never wants me to leave when I see him. He always seems genuinely pleased to see me. But then he goes so quiet between dates.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 13/11/2019 21:35

*Yes we are exclusive.
*
Sounds like you might not be as far as he's concerned!

GingerKittenCat · 13/11/2019 21:37

@MikeUniformMike that's my concern. What doesn't make sense is why someone would spend 5 months chasing me to then move onto the next one as soon as he has caught me.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 13/11/2019 21:39

So has it been 5 months of chasing then 4 months together?

GingerKittenCat · 13/11/2019 21:43

@Ginger1982 yes, that's right. We've known each other as friends for years but the dynamic of our friendship changed around 5 months before we started dating. One of my big concerns was how soon it was for both of us after our marriages ending.

OP posts:
HerrenaHarridan · 13/11/2019 21:49

Don’t chase and see what happens...

Lifeisabeach09 · 13/11/2019 21:49

Some people just like the chase and the high of being with someone new. Especially if newly single.
From what you've written, I'd say he wants to have fun and nothing more.

sirmione16 · 13/11/2019 21:50

Doesn't sound like there's much there emotionally for him I'm afraid OP

Lifeisabeach09 · 13/11/2019 21:50

Cool it, meet for sex (if you want) and date others. Pointless to be exclusive when there is no relationship.

GingerKittenCat · 13/11/2019 21:56

Thanks for the responses. Sadly you are all saying what I have been suspecting myself. Time to have the discussion with him and investigate tinder I think.

OP posts:
ConfCall · 13/11/2019 22:21

I’m not sure about the “chase” argument but it is possible that you may be a rebound/placeholder for him.

There is conflicting info in your message which reflects your understandable confusion. Only he can set you straight. Take a deep breath and have the chat. Good luck.

GingerKittenCat · 13/11/2019 22:34

@ConfCall the rebound/placeholder thing has been another of my concerns. I would hope for better from someone who I have been friends with for so long prior to becoming more, but after leaving an extremely disfunctional marriage I honestly wouldn't be surprised by anything that people in relationships do now.
I agree that the chat with him is now needed. At least I no longer feel like I'm being overly sensitive by instigating the chat at this stage.

OP posts:
Whathewhatnow · 13/11/2019 22:49

If he isn't into texting, does he call you?? Some people don't like texts/ whatsapps and are bad bad written communicators.

Before you ditch him I would try the relationship shit sandwich, I.e.,

"I love it when we are together. You are so affectionate and love spending time with you etc etc.
Sometimes when you (don't) text I feel a bit like I'm not worth the effort.
(Insert complement here)...

The sending you innuendo-laden stuff isn't very sophisticated but maybe he thinks this is how you tell a woman you fancy her. Or maybe he just really feels it. Nothing wrong with rude talk. Sex is important.

GingerKittenCat · 13/11/2019 23:14

@Whatthewhatnow English is his second language so he finds face to face communication much easier than written or phone calls which I can understand in the circumstances. He can communicate perfectly well in written English when he thinks about what he is writing but a quick, spontaneous text is harder unless it's words he doesn't have to think about spelling etc. I assume that he finds it easier to think about suggestive messages than in depth discussions which may account for some of the issue.

I think the relationship shit sandwich you mentioned is a good idea. The other thing I'm thinking about is telling him that I have been asked out on a date by someone else so I need to know how I stand with him before accepting or declining the date. It may just give him the kick up the arse to decide what he wants or stop stringing me along if he does only see me as a FWB.

The hard thing is that I really like him and know I'm starting to get into dangerous territory where I could easily get hurt badly. This is exactly what I was scared of before I started seeing him.

OP posts:
TheNestedIf · 14/11/2019 00:30

If you were a bit cool about it in the beginning and haven't given clear indication you'd like more since, maybe he does want more but hasn't high hopes of that anymore and is either letting you take it at your pace or has given up hope of more than FWB.

I think your idea of asking where you stand, using a date with someone else as an excuse, is a good one.

GingerKittenCat · 14/11/2019 09:01

Well I've done it. I've sent him a message telling him that while I love spending time with him I need to know where I stand with him because I have been asked out on a date and I don't want to mess anyone around. Feel sick with anxiety now but it's not doing me any good being stuck in limbo. At least I should find out what he wants from me one way or the other and if I should walk away or not.

OP posts:
W0rriedMum · 14/11/2019 09:07

How often are you meeting? How many calls or texts are there is the middle?

I hate having long open conversations with people on chat. It's meaningless drivel. If I was dating, I would just phone occasionally and try to meet as often as I could.

Theresomethingaboutdairy · 14/11/2019 12:07

Anything back OP?

GingerKittenCat · 14/11/2019 12:40

Well apparently I am a free person and can do what I want so I guess I have my answer. Best to walk away now before I fall any deeper for him. He's reminded me of exactly why I hated dating before I met my husband. So many men are complete shits and only interested in one thing. Feel quite hurt given how many years I have known him but I'm not prepared to be used. I was open about not wanting to be a FWB before I got involved.

OP posts:
Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 14/11/2019 12:51

What did he say op? Putting that another man had asked you and your considering it and need to know where you stand with him may of blown him as maybe he thought you was exclusive, I wouldn’t of mentioned another person asking for a date and would of just asked him outright where does he see us going and what does he want from this

Thingsdogetbetter · 14/11/2019 13:32

I'd be highly put off if someone asked me where we stood so they know whether to go on another date or not. Not exactly flattering is it. More a "you're an option not a first choice" isn't it?