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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Confused! Am I a FWB or more?

29 replies

GingerKittenCat · 13/11/2019 20:50

I have been seeing a man who I have known for a few years for around 4 months now. We have both separated within the last year, both have DC with our respective STBX spouses.

Initially he chased me hard as I wasn't sure if I was ready to start dating. I eventually agreed after he suggested that we take things slowly and see how we go as we both carry emotional baggage.

When we are together we have a great time together. Conversation flows easily, we have a lot of shared interests and sexually we are very compatible. I'm in danger of becoming emotionally involved. I am however feeling confused about where the relationship is going.

We generally see each other once a week or thereabouts. Sometimes we might see each other twice in a week and others we go nearly two weeks without getting together depending on when we can both be child free.

I'm starting to feel a bit like a FWB. He now rarely messages me between when we see each other other. I usually have to initiate messages to arrange seeing him which I find odd after he chased me so much for the first few weeks and before we got together. If he messages me first then it will usually be with a a sexual innuendo. When we are together he is very affectionate towards me. He obviously enjoys my company. He constantly wants to stroke my hand or thigh in a non sexual way if we are having a quiet night watching TV. But his lack of initiating contact along with the sexual innuendos when he does contact me first is starting to make me feel like he's viewing me more as a FWB. I have brought up the lack of him initiating contact and he just says that he is in his busy period at work so doesn't check his phone constantly. I don't want to make a big fuss about it to him as I know I can be inclined to over react. Is he using me as FWB without telling me that is what he has relegated me to or is he doing what he said about taking things slowly? I'm confused!

OP posts:
TheNestedIf · 14/11/2019 15:44

I'd see is as more of a "You are my first option but if I'm not yours that's not good enough, so let's move on.", but I know there will be more variety of opinion on that than Heinz 57.

Sorry you didn't get the answer you hoped for, OP. At least you know now. Best wishes for the future.

ChristmasFluff · 14/11/2019 15:54

Dear OP,

the 'chasing hard' is actually an indication that he's not very nice. Healthy men won't chase you, because they respect your boundaries. A healthy response if you'd said you weren't sure about dating would have been, 'oh, thanks for letting me know, and be sure to look me up when you are ready. ' Or similar.

but for men like this, it's 'oooh, game on!' then once he's got you, game over, and he's looking for the next chase.

It's something more people who have been hurt need to be aware of - when you put up walls, the only people trying to break them down are unhealthy ones. The healthy ones respect your boundary, whatever its reason.

ConfCall · 14/11/2019 18:17

He might have thought that you were fishing for approval/permission/green light to go on the other date. If someone wrote me that text I’d think they wanted to say yes to the other offer and therefore I’d feel obliged to tell them to accept.

So, I think you’re no nearer the truth, really. He may be uncommitted, or he may believe that you are uncommitted.

cacklingmags · 14/11/2019 20:15

You sound strong OP, you had the courage to ask and got your answer, a painful one, but you can now move on. Also, he is a sodding knob.

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