I am too independent emotionally

[KnickerBockerAndrew]

I have a lovely DP who I love very much. He is (mostly) sweet and kind and I love being in his company. Our lives are complicated (we have both been married before and have children from those marriages, plus there are issues within our wider families which cause stress and take up a lot of our time and mindspace.) He was in an abusive marriage- his wife was physically and emotionally abusive to him. My own marriage was damaging emotionally- XH was lovely until I had a health crisis, and he switched off emotionally, never touched me afterwards etc.

I function well in my current relationship until I become upset or something happens, and then I totally switch off and keep everything inside. Last week, I had a bit of a health blip, and I refused help from DP- I wouldn't even talk to him on the phone. The more I isolated myself, I became a bit down, and the more down I became, the more unable I felt to let DP help me. This culminated in me feeling utter despair last night, and finally phoning DP. He was lovely, but was obviously hurt- He wants to be there for me, and I don't let him. I always do this. I shut him out and I really want to be more open.

I had counselling last year, but it was actually quite damaging for me. (I know that I'm like this because of childhood/marriage problems, but acknowledging it doesn't change it...)

In the interest of not drip feeding, DP and I did split up last year for 3 months, and he didn't treat me very well at all. I understand why- it was to do with the abuse he's suffered- but I do wonder if that's partly why I'm this way.

Hi There @KnickerBockerAndrew - you could be describing me in your post and I do have empathy for your situation and frustration at your own emotional distance.

I have also been in counseling for the last year or so, for a number issues but my inability to be vulnerable with my lovely bf and others is one of them. I have learned in this time that as a result of a really turbulent ad traumatic childhood, numerous let downs by care givers as well as an emotionally abusive relationship with my DS's father that I have built a wall around myself and now refuse to accept help or allow myself to be vulnerable for fear mostly I think of being let down, hurt or abused again.

I'm working through this with the help of counseling, being honest with my partner and family about the reasons leading to my emotional distance and from reading and researching things around the subject of vulnerability (have a listen to Brenee Brownes TED talk on the subject to start!) and I believe I'm slowly allowing myself to trust again and ask for help and support. This however is after lengthy periods of counseling (weekly for 12months so far) as well as a bout of depression and anxiety this year for which I have been prescribed anti-depressants. Finally meeting a wonderful man who actually genuinely cares for me kind of knocked me for six, made me realize how far down the road I had gone with my inability to emotional relate to anyone or feel secure accepting support and affection.

I don't really have much concrete advice for you, I just wanted to empathize and say you're not alone and if you really want to open up then just take small steps and I'm sure you'll get there x

Thank you so much for your message Meggy - I hadn't quite realised how lonely I felt in all this until I read it. Although I know it's not true, it does feel like everyone else has no problem at all with being vulnerable, talking about their feelings, and (a big one for me) expressing when they're unhappy about something.
Funnily enough I have also been prescribed with anti depressants. I have been off them for a while but I feel now that I should give them another go- when I'm fine and strong, I don't worry, but I need to feel able to deal with the more difficult times too.

Maybe just start with a trip to the GP and chat about maybe going back on the anti-depressants if you feel they might help you at this time? I found counseling so very tough at the start, it got incredibly difficult bringing everything back up but I have found that the meds have helped me to discuss and deal with this a bit better and look at the reasons behind my feelings and actions more objectively and calmly.

How long did you give to the counseling?

Do you kind if I ask what sort of I'll treatment you received from your DP when you broke up that time?

'Funnily enough I have also been prescribed with anti depressants. I have been off them for a while but I feel now that I should give them another go- when I'm fine and strong, '

Don't come off them without your GPs suggestion. If people don't stay on them as long as they need it, they go back to how they were. People feel better and so they stop them before a doctor would stop them. Big mistake- please don't do it again. x

Have you read about attachment styles, @KnickerBockerAndrew? Might be worth a google, for you both.

Ooohhh... yes, what @Eckhart said!!! Hugely beneficial!

OP I could have written your post. I’ve been with DP nearly 4 years and love the bones of him. He is lovely and calm and has made my life brighter.
We both work FT and have teenagers from previous marriages. Live apart. Life is complex. Step dynamics not easy. Lots going on at the moment. When stuff gets difficult it knocks me for six and I shut off.
I too have had therapy since my divorce and know myself much better than I used to. I struggle with being vulnerable. Knowing it doesn’t seem to help though. When I get set off by something I shut myself off and question the whole relationship. I hate that I can’t just be vulnerable. No advice but it’s a horrible lonely feeling. But you aren’t alone! As you see! Sometimes I feel I should go back into counselling but working FT I don’t know if I can manage the time! My therapist used to say I need to show myself the kindness I always show towards others/my dc/dp. Easier said than done

Oh I'm the same OP! shut down completely if I'm dealing with something difficult (mostly at the moment relating with contact or abuse from an abusive ex). Just feel better if I'm isolated. Stronger or more safe maybe. It's odd. I also had a difficult childhood where I felt very isolated and alone, so mine does stem from that too I think.

My dp is starting to understand and doesn't take no for answer now. I've had to talk to him alot about it - he doesn't get it, but knows that's how I react now. I'm very lucky to have him I know that.

@LatentPhase and @AnnaNimmity I think both your posts are so lovely and I'm glad you've got people in your life that love you.

I used to see emotion or accepting assistance or support as such a weakness because of everything that life has thrown at me but when you you actually have someone in your life that really cares for you, for me it scares the crap out of me "I can't lean on this person or accept their support because what if... they leave... they reject me... they judge me...?"

Being strong can be our greatest weakness sometimes but I'm honestly learning that being vulnerable and letting someone else help carry the load sometimes just adds joy and happiness... it's taken years for me to even begin to accept this though.

This post resonates with me in so many ways. I watched the Ted Talk video recommended - amazing!

I have always felt 'wrong', 'detached', 'cold'. I recall rejecting cuddles and affection from my dm aged 12/13 when the school bullying began. I did not feel worthy of love. I felt so ashamed I was being bullied and that it was happening because I somehow deserved it. At the same time I was dropped by my best friend. I acted normally at home and school but inside I was traumatised. My stability, familiarity and grounding went out of the window. I felt completely abandoned and told no-one. I felt so alone and unworthy.

Feeling not good enough has never really left me. I struggle at work, studying, in friendships- every area of my life. I struggle to accept love from my dh and push him away believing I am not worthy of gifts, affection, kind words. This has knocked his confidence and made him feel he cannot do anything right. I have taken his manhood and I hate myself for it.

I feel completely flawed as a human being - that I do not deserve my family and they would be better off without me.

I am scared to be vulnerable as I have been let down by so many people in my life; whether rejected, overlooked, taken for granted, ridiculed, used.

OP your post sounds terribly familiar to me too. Sorry that there are a few of us like this!

The bits above about shutting down when dealing with something difficult, this is so me. As is not knowing how to rely on someone. It makes me feel terribly awkward accepting support when offered from friends (only in the direst of emergencies would i accept) and the idea of asking for help? That would literally never happen.

Part of it for me is being terrified of letting others down when they need me- so if I don't "owe" them anything, they have less reason to come to me for help and I then have less likelihood of fucking up and not being able to be of any use.

For me it's not about feeling weak if I accept help, or owing the other person, but it's about feeling stronger alone I think. I was used to it in my childhood - often I had to parent my parent, and my needs were ignored.

I also feel that it's a bit of a protective mechanism. My ex used to call me cold - but it's not that at all. I'm the opposite of cold. My current dp immediately said I was wearing a shield. And he's probably right, it's a protective shield.

I also need a little time alone generally to process things. It's just the way I am! I can see it's difficult for those who love me - especially if they're talkers or sharers. But I am lucky to have a partner who is understanding of it.

I don't think it's the wrong approach to dealing with things - there isn't a right one. OP your Dp has to understand that I think - you don't do this to hurt him, it's just your way.

Although I know it's not true, it does feel like everyone else has no problem at all with being vulnerable, talking about their feelings, and (a big one for me) expressing when they're unhappy about something

@KnickerBockerAndrew I can be exactly the same . You need a counsellor who will talk about moving forward with this . I saw a Cognitive Behavioural Hypnotist and she really really helped . You are not hypnotised as such btw. I only had 3 sessions and it completely changed me although at times I still get that urge to cut myself off and withhold from people . I then try her coping strategies.

counselling has also helped me say when things aren't working for me. Previously I tended to see asserting myself and my needs as being confrontational, and didn't want to upset people, but I don't so much anymore

I also tended to let things get too far, so that I was really upset by things when I should have said something earlier - again, counselling has helped that. It's about noticing and enforcing boundaries a bit I think.

I need a lot of time alone, at work and home. I feel 'safe' in my own company and it gives me great comfort. I have experienced a lot of rejection and have at times put myself on the outside because I feel I do not belong.

Very few friends have seen me cry. Perhaps at a funeral but not because of a relationship break down/arguement with dh/stress related. I share very little with others, again because I feel people are not interested enough to listen. Ome friend commented years ago that she never sees me crying. That I hold everything in. It was self-taught and has done me a lot of damage.

I will cry at the drop of a hat at tv programmes or sad things but when something happens to me? No

I surprised myself by crying When my dad died.

It is repression of course which can’t be good for you!

Anna I learnt to hide my pain. I believed I did not matter, therefore my feelings did not matter.

This thread is such an eye opener for me. I thought I was the only one. I'm in awe that you have even managed to get into relationships...I've only been in one in my whole life with a man who was emotionally abusive so in a "sick" way that worked for me.

I am having counselling. It was initially and still can be very painful and seem like I am getting worse but it is so worth it. I'm still working through not being able to accept love, affection or support and finding the idea of a loving relationship with a man terrifying.

Like other on here, I was the parent in childhood, lots of chaos, no one meeting my needs at all. I was left alone or hit and verbally abused. I never really learned what it is to be soothed or comforted by another human. I freeze up when someone tries or feel like I owe them and there is going to be a terrible cost that I can't deal with.

I can give love and support in buckets. I'm a total mother hen. I'm not able to let it in yet though.

I'd recommend persevering with the counselling and reading about attachment styles as pps have suggested. Maybe even couples counselling could be a could idea?

Yes @Faith50 my feelings were unimportant

Yes Namechange me too - I had lots of children!

I will cry at the drop of a hat at tv programmes or sad things but when something happens to me? No

Me too... didn't actually even cry when my father passed last year, just got on with it and spoke to no one. But a charity ad comes on TV and I'm in floods 🙄

Yeah I get really upset on other people's behalfs.

Zero emotion or "oh well" and a shrug of the shoulders when it happens to me.

Just a thought but have you tried CBT?

It's not the answer to every thing and you can't beat a good walk in the fresh air to get your head straight.

But I couldn't get on with counselling.

To me what's done is done and no point raking over it.

I never let it become an excuse not to do/be stuff.

But CBT is a practical therapy which gives you tools to chase away unhelpful negative thought , replace them with helpful and empowering thought and put (very important ly) healthy boundaries in place.

Namechange84
In my teens and early 20's I found myself in a lot of FWB situations. Though I felt I desired a proper boyfriend, in a twisted way, this 'arrangement' actually worked for me. My needs were fulfilled without me having to invest, share, talk, reveal my many insecurities and issues. I could not 'do' relationships as I was broken.

You mention having to parent. I had too much responsibility from a young age. I learnt to pretend I was okay when I really was not. My dm had a lot to contend with and I did not want to add to her burdens.

Yeah Faith50, I feel I could quite easily do the whole sex but not emotions thing. Culturally though sex outside of marriage isn't acceptable in my family so I've never even got into the FWB or one night stand situation, even though I know I probably would have had I been part of a different culture. Even at 14, I remember thinking "ok, I know who I am. I'm not the girl you fall in love with, I'm the one you just have sex with.".

I had to parent my parents and extended adult family. I would have loved to have had my own biological children. Instead I've got a collection of elderly "children" who never seem to grow up or realise how unfair they've been to me. Gosh I sound like such a pity party, I don't mean to. This has just been my life. Helpless adults, grown up child. I was looking after an alcoholic at 18 months old. Totally fucked up.

Hi all, please look up adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families. It has 14 traits left with children growing up in a dysfunctional home. You may find you identify. Any one brought up with neglect is affected.
They also do meetings - I identify greatly with all your posts.
🌺