I have a lovely DP who I love very much. He is (mostly) sweet and kind and I love being in his company. Our lives are complicated (we have both been married before and have children from those marriages, plus there are issues within our wider families which cause stress and take up a lot of our time and mindspace.) He was in an abusive marriage- his wife was physically and emotionally abusive to him. My own marriage was damaging emotionally- XH was lovely until I had a health crisis, and he switched off emotionally, never touched me afterwards etc.
I function well in my current relationship until I become upset or something happens, and then I totally switch off and keep everything inside. Last week, I had a bit of a health blip, and I refused help from DP- I wouldn't even talk to him on the phone. The more I isolated myself, I became a bit down, and the more down I became, the more unable I felt to let DP help me. This culminated in me feeling utter despair last night, and finally phoning DP. He was lovely, but was obviously hurt- He wants to be there for me, and I don't let him. I always do this. I shut him out and I really want to be more open.
I had counselling last year, but it was actually quite damaging for me. (I know that I'm like this because of childhood/marriage problems, but acknowledging it doesn't change it...)
In the interest of not drip feeding, DP and I did split up last year for 3 months, and he didn't treat me very well at all. I understand why- it was to do with the abuse he's suffered- but I do wonder if that's partly why I'm this way.