Why does DH do this?

[Beechwhistle]

Have named changed (but have posted with this one before).

This is going to sound like a small niggly issue, but after 20 years of similar I just wonder why my DH does what he does, and if anyone has experienced similar and could shed some light?

So - there are many many examples of this, but here is the most recent:

I had to go into work early this morning which meant I couldn't do the school run.

Rang DH to see if he could do it - no, he needed to leave early too.

Not a problem, I asked a friend to walk DD in.

About 10 mins later DH rang back to say his car was playing up so he was going to take it to the garage first thing so he could now take DD in.

All fine.

Cut to this morning.

DH rarely helps out with the kids in the morning so I'm racing around getting them ready, getting me ready (DS is autistic and gets a minibus to school quite early).

Eventually DH appears as I'm trying to get a shower and he says could I hurry up in there because he has to leave just after 8 too.

Wait what? I thought he'd said he no longer did?

Cue lots of huffing and puffing and 'if you remember I've had to reshuffle my whole day so I can take DD in' (so he didn't actually have to leave just after 8 at all).

Hang on NO! I made alternative arrangements for that which I then cancelled because you said you could take her in?

Why? Why does he do this?

If I tried to correct him it would result in an argument, plus I had to go so I let it go. But it's pissed me off because stuff like that always happens.

I can think of a time when DS first started school and we had a long discussion about how many after school clubs he'd need to go to (long before he started SS!).
DS said he would finish early on a Friday to pick him up.

2 weeks before DS was due to start DH said we'd never had that conversation, he'd never agreed to that and I was left scrambling around trying to make sure DS could attend after school club on that day too.

It's infuriating. It's almost like gas lighting but I genuinely think he doesn't remember? I just don't know.

But stuff like that happens all the time to the point when I feel like getting him to sign declarations when he agrees anything.

Surely that's not right? Why does he do it?

If I try and talk to him about it he digs in and never backs down (and I suppose I do doubt myself, except not really because I certainly don't imagine those conversations)

Thanks if you got this far. It seems a small issue I know, but my goodness it's wearing me down.

Record him.

Put the details on a family calendar?

It is gaslighting
He's denying things you know he agreed to

I tried the family calendar (written one) but he just ignores it.
I have to actually invite him to stuff to his work calendar (which means inputting all my stuff over to him too).

Yeh I suppose I could do that more.

But should it really be this bloody hard?

I have seen various similar posts about shared calendars and DHs ignoring them in the past, so I know I'm not alone.

It's the denying conversations / changing what happened in a conversation that's really getting my goat.

I

You have my sympathy - DH did/does this. Got to the point where I was having to text and check everything he committed to as I had no confidence he would follow through.
You're right it IS like gaslighting - the lying bit and trying to make out it's your fault.
I just pulled DH up on it every time. It got better as the kids got older as they would back me up.

But what I don't is why? What does he get out of it?

To always be in the right / the martyred put upon one?

No idea why and it sounds annoying but yes, putting stuff in writing on a calendar might work. Not as weird as signed declarations but still there in black and white.

Because he wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and, on your own words, he’s only ‘helping out’ and this he doesn’t feel held to it and he gets out of it by lying.

It all suits him fine as you’ll always fix it.

Sorry cross posted

BackOnceAgain

Yess I think you are right.

Lol signed declaration, it does sound a bit dramatic reading back. But he'd not be able to deny using a quill (or would he)

I'd be saying to him, when he agrees to something, 'right, now, I'm going to send you a text and you can text back your agreement then neither of us can deny what was agreed.'

Actually, I have done this, when DH was being particularly scatterbrained.

Excellent idea.

But also, another thing for me to have to manage.
The old mental load, eh.

Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?" - take a look.

Thanks, I have seen that recommended before I think

It's him assuming you'll carry the mental load of all arrangements, agreed and broken. He doesn't get himself involved in any of the planning therefore doesn't fully commit and therefore doesn't really 'see' the impact when he lets you down. Infuriating.

We use meeting requests to a family calendar to confirm all arrangements and if someone needs to pick up a child etc when the other is out. I once caught out DH who had tried to change the date on his computer to make it look as if he'd sent me a calendar event a month previously, rather than admit he'd forgotten to let me know. We were both going out and he was trying to pretend he'd told me first and I should cancel my plans . I was livid with him for the silly deceit but he still wouldn't admit it! But he knew that I knew that he was fibbing!

It is gaslighting
He's denying things you know he agreed to

THIS....

Oh MotherOfOne

The amount of times I get 'I told you about this work event / weekend spent cycling with friends in Wales' etc etc

How satisfying it would be to catch him out!

Electronic footprints are the way forward.

Send him a text immediately after confirming anything he agrees to.

My husband does a variety of this. He will discuss doing something on x date, then about an hour later he says when is that again. And who are we going with? How are we getting there? Drives me fucking nuts,

DH tries all these:

"Well, I sent you a text, you must have deleted it by accident..." Strangely he's already deleted it from his phone too.

"I set off on time, but the traffic was bad..." No, you're late picking DS and me up because you didn't leave the house until 15 minutes after you were due here - we know because DS can see your location on his phone

Dh and I have a separate whatsapp thread for plans and commitments. Basically, if it isn't agreed between us on the whatsapp thread, it wasn't booked.

Also a great idea.

Ok, it's good to know I'm not alone but also infuriating.

It a a pain first getting into the habit - but it benefits both of us. Sometimes dh will mention a night out etc and I'll say "yeah am free but send it in the chat so I remember" as he knows if it isn't in there it's like we never spoke of it.

yes- whatsapp chat a good idea too

Why not set up a Whar's App group between the 2 of you - and send all things agreed on that. You will have read receipts for everything so he can't say he didn't know or it wasn't agreed.