Why does DH do this?

[Beechwhistle]

Have named changed (but have posted with this one before).

This is going to sound like a small niggly issue, but after 20 years of similar I just wonder why my DH does what he does, and if anyone has experienced similar and could shed some light?

So - there are many many examples of this, but here is the most recent:

I had to go into work early this morning which meant I couldn't do the school run.

Rang DH to see if he could do it - no, he needed to leave early too.

Not a problem, I asked a friend to walk DD in.

About 10 mins later DH rang back to say his car was playing up so he was going to take it to the garage first thing so he could now take DD in.

All fine.

Cut to this morning.

DH rarely helps out with the kids in the morning so I'm racing around getting them ready, getting me ready (DS is autistic and gets a minibus to school quite early).

Eventually DH appears as I'm trying to get a shower and he says could I hurry up in there because he has to leave just after 8 too.

Wait what? I thought he'd said he no longer did?

Cue lots of huffing and puffing and 'if you remember I've had to reshuffle my whole day so I can take DD in' (so he didn't actually have to leave just after 8 at all).

Hang on NO! I made alternative arrangements for that which I then cancelled because you said you could take her in?

Why? Why does he do this?

If I tried to correct him it would result in an argument, plus I had to go so I let it go. But it's pissed me off because stuff like that always happens.

I can think of a time when DS first started school and we had a long discussion about how many after school clubs he'd need to go to (long before he started SS!).
DS said he would finish early on a Friday to pick him up.

2 weeks before DS was due to start DH said we'd never had that conversation, he'd never agreed to that and I was left scrambling around trying to make sure DS could attend after school club on that day too.

It's infuriating. It's almost like gas lighting but I genuinely think he doesn't remember? I just don't know.

But stuff like that happens all the time to the point when I feel like getting him to sign declarations when he agrees anything.

Surely that's not right? Why does he do it?

If I try and talk to him about it he digs in and never backs down (and I suppose I do doubt myself, except not really because I certainly don't imagine those conversations)

Thanks if you got this far. It seems a small issue I know, but my goodness it's wearing me down.

Sad that you should have to rely on an app OP - why can’t he just respect you when you’re talking and bloody remember! If he’s that much of a scatterbrains, it’s HIS responsibility to write it down somewhere, so suggest he does that.
I’ve moaned to my mom about both my DS and DH not listening to me, or wandering off (mentally) mid chat and she said, every woman she’s ever spoken to about this, has said the same... we’re a “drone” and they switch off, or it’s not important stuff it’s just chatter! My dad does it too apparently, drives my mom up the wall - he’s always thinking about something else even when he acknowledges the conversation.
Don’t make it easier for him by using apps, get him to realise he’s not listening in the first place. Ask him to repeat what you’ve just discussed/decided.
And I say to my mom, this is why we get called “nags”.

Gaslighting. It's a control tactic.

Ha. My dh did this yesterday. He sent me a text saying he missed me. I was like eh? You’ll see me in like 10 mins. He said no. Remember I’m away for work!! I said eh? He said you even saw me pack! (To be fair. I saw him with his bag. It didn’t compute though that he was using it!)

Ha. And now he’s gone to his family. So won’t be back before 2am!

Because you fix everything.
Either he is genuinely forgetful, indecisive and disorganised, and doesn't have to change his behaviour because you always pick up all the pieces...
Or he gets a sick satisfaction out of making you run in opposite directions, like some kind of puppeteer controlling you from above. This could be conscious/deliberate or less so, but either way he gets something out of it.
Whichever it is, it's not good. It's not a respectful way for him to behave. It would drive me insane with frustration and rage.

Mine used to do this. Make out he was going to do child pick up / drop off then change arrangements at short notice & deny all knowledge, leaving me to sort everything out.

Lots of other gaslighting too. He's an ex now.

The real question is, why is organising every single thing to do with your children your sole responsibility?

Did you agree that would be the case?

Doubt it. More wife work.

DH did similar to this all the time, drove me nuts. For example I'd ask him to take DC to school as I had an appointment he'd agree then the night before I'd remind him he'd deny all knowledge and say he couldn't do it because he had a meeting resulting in me frantically texting friends to see if they could help. He'd regularly forgot about nativity plays sports days parents eve etc all things I'd told him about.
So instead of talking to him I started to email him at work, at home and on his phone And I cc'd myself in! It proved my sanity was intact that I had asked him/ told him about these things, if he denied it I could prove it and eventually he started remembering more , putting things in his work diary straight away because an email.had come through at work rather than remembering a discussion over dinner that he always claimed never happened.
Sounds a bit mad emailing your DH rather than talking to him but it really worked for me😄

I got my DP a little notebook, one of the little tiny ones that fits easily in his pocket. He doesn't use it because he finds it patronising that I had to ask him to write down all his commitments so he would remember. He now doesn't forget plans though as when he would I would ask why he hasn't been using his notebook, he has no excuse to forget with that. Basically I treated him like the man child he was being until he decided to be an adult. It has worked so you may want to try the patronising notebook.

I don't think it has to be gaslighting... my DH seems genuinely awful at remembering stuff (or sometimes I think it's just bad at listening), two things helped with this a lot
a) Me telling him how upsetting and unfair I found it when he got angry with me for 'not telling him' something - if I say I've told him something, I have told him and he has made signs that he has heard and understood
b) Using shared calendar - though I know some people don't find this works.

He has got much better and never has a go at me about 'not telling him' because he accepts I have, and if it's on the calendar he will remember.

Wow, YANBU that would drive me up the wall.

So not only is it your job to sort the kids out and everything else presumably, but on the odd occasion that you ask for his help you can't trust what he says??

I would either sit down and split responsibilities and have everything written down with any changes having to be texted or leave him.

Sorry, but posters are minimising. Hes not forgetting. He is agreeing to do something then actively making up complicated lies to get out of it. Forgetting is saying he will do school run on friday then accidentally putting a meeting in. Calling you back to say he has to take the car in so can do the school run then saying no he cnt because he has meeting is something entirely different. And yes, it IS gas lighting.

I couldn't tell you what he is getting out of it because I am not a dick. But theres clearly some controls issues here. Perhaps it's to punish you for daring to ask in the first place?! To ty ensure you dont expect him to do anything for the DC? It's clear you already do 90%.

Also, someone who genuinely forgets and screws up then responds, if they are a nice normal person with basic social skills and a sense of responsibility with, "fuck, I screwed up. Ok, how do I fix this? I'm so sorry."

These man children annoy me intensely and they bloody well get away with it because when they screw up instead of being forced to take responsibility for it they be rewarded by someone else (a woman) solving their problem.

Have you ever just walked off/out and let him pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences? I'm guessing not, and so he knows you won't.

Ugh what a dick, I'm sorry OP.

I got to the point of sending clear texts to my ex when he made a commitment to do something.

He always found a way to deny or twist it so I was mental and unreasonable.

At some point I was actually texting him to say something like "just wanted to confirm so I don't forget that you've told me your holiday is from x to x. If this isn't right then let me know so I can plan around any changes, but otherwise I'll assume those dates are correct."

And then I realised I was bossing work, being supportive of him and yet was having to micromanage him which took time and effort away from me enjoying life. And made me feel a bit shit about myself and wonder if I really was mental.

I broke up with him that day but we didn't have kids and weren't married so I appreciate it's way, way harder for you to be as cut and dry as I was when I decided I was done.

You aren't mental and you are trying to do the best for everyone else. He is being at best disingenuous and at worst emotionally abusing you and gaslighting.

What a dick

@Joerev

Ha. My dh did this yesterday. He sent me a text saying he missed me. I was like eh? You’ll see me in like 10 mins. He said no. Remember I’m away for work!! I said eh? He said you even saw me pack! (To be fair. I saw him with his bag. It didn’t compute though that he was using it!) Ha. And now he’s gone to his family. So won’t be back before 2am!

But this is awful! He's knowingly making you feel like you've imagined things and has rewritten your conversations to do what he wants on the day with no thought to how it affects you and your plans. It's so mean!

They know and they didn't forget. They just don't care.
So many have the you're not the boss of me attitude so I'll screw this up and make you pay so you won't ask me again.

I bet they don't forget their work or things they want to do.

He considers you a domestic servant that he controls and does not need to respect - and how very dare you question him?

Gaslighting is manipulation and a tactic of an abuser, btw.

Morning

Thanks for all your replies, it's been good to read through them all.

The real question is, why is organising every single thing to do with your children your sole responsibility?
*
Did you agree that would be the case?*

Yes completely I do everything - he justifies it by saying he works full time, I work part time, but still every day - I just do school hours so all drop offs and pick ups are my 'responsibility'.
As are all out of hours activities, holiday cover etc etc.

Have you ever just walked off/out and let him pick up the pieces and deal with the consequences? I'm guessing not, and so he knows you won't.

No. The few times I've left him to sort any clashes etc he just doesn't sort it. So he would be expecting me to cancel my work / social plans, unless I sort the childcare.

I do fix everything, it's exhausting. Especially because DS's being in a SS makes everything that bit more complicated.

I'm going to try the electronic way - it will be much harder for him to deny knowledge or wriggle out then.
Will be interesting to see how it goes and whether it forces him to take more responsibility / apologise when he forgets things.

My XH left everything to me, so I just left him out of everything- didn’t rely on him to do a task, didn’t include him, so couldn’t be let down by him. Hence I froze him out and eventually got rid. And my adult DC expect nothing from him too, even though now he has seen the error of his ways and wants to be involved. Reaping what he sowed.

This is gas lighting
My exh and I had lots of conversations about what had happened within our marriage once it was finished. These were very cathartic and left me with no unanswered questions.
He admitted that very similar situations had been gas lighting. The reasons he gave were mostly that it gave him feelings of power to 'get one over on me' He had an inferiority complex that actually looked like arrogance and pomposity to most people.
Life was sooooo much easier and happier as a lone parent

What is the point of him? He’s like another child.

This appears to be somewhat common. The idea is that if they are unreliable then you won't ask them to do anything. The reality is that they are rendering themselves surplus to requirements and are just removed emotionally or otherwise from the family.

Belfield

Yes, that exactly.