Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum’s DP put his hand on my thigh, would you speak up?

31 replies

CBGBs · 12/11/2019 17:29

When we had the heatwave in the summer my mum’s DP of twenty years gave me (and my DD10) a lift home. I’m 32 and he is 60. I was wearing shorts and before I got out of the car he put his hand on my bare thigh and said something about him being willing to give me a lift anytime.

I shot out of the car, got DD and said a hasty goodbye. Looking back I do regret not telling him off at the time but I was in shock and I’m somewhat of a people pleaser as my biological father was abusive. I find it difficult to assert myself sometimes. I’m not sure if DD saw it but I feel bad that I haven’t set a good example to her about defending your personal space, body etc.

I’m not very close to my mum’s DP as I think he is quite controlling of her (she disagrees) but I am pleasant enough with him. At the start of their relationship he was living two lives, weekdays with his wife and then my mum at the weekend so I suppose I have an opinion of him from those days. I was a teenager back then so it was all quite dysfunctional. I don’t hug him and I don’t consider him a stepfather.

I haven’t wanted to see him since the summer and have managed to see DM on her own. Now there is pressure to visit and I feel quite uncomfortable with just brushing it under the carpet. DH doesn’t feel like visiting them either.

My friends think that I should tell my DM what happened but I have this feeling he will deny and my DM will say I’m mistaken, which will upset me. My DM hasn’t always been the best mum, she has a tendency to put men before her children and she accepts poor treatment from men.

I feel like it’s only a hand on a thigh so I shouldn’t make a big fuss, but at the same time I really don’t want to go round there and I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 12/11/2019 17:33

Yuk he’s a creep. I would avoid and if your mum asks why tell her. It sounds like she won’t really want to hear it will she, sorry you are in this position.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/11/2019 17:37

Whatever you decide to do, I hope to hell your daughter is never around him. Does she visit them on her own?

Original poster
CBGBs · 12/11/2019 17:38

Thanks, yep he seems to have become quite a creep over the last couple of years. I am thinking of telling my mum but i just know it’s going to cause a big fuss, with me made out to be overreacting or misunderstanding or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
CBGBs · 12/11/2019 17:40

No, DD doesn’t see them alone. My DM has always been disinterested in babysitting so that’s a plus!

OP posts:
Redwinestillfine · 12/11/2019 17:48

Don't see them together. Invite your Mum on girls nights or girls spa days etc or go when you know he's not there. When you do see him I would tell DH he isn't to leave your dd alone in the same room as him, and personally I would try and not be in the same room as him. He will BC soon get the hint. At 10 your dd is old enough to be told to be careful of him ( and I would tell her why).

Takeitonthechin · 12/11/2019 17:49

Absolutely! Do the right thing, tell your mum.... it's up to her whether she bins him or not.

Original poster
CBGBs · 12/11/2019 17:53

She’ll never bin him. She will turn it round onto being my fault in some way. I think
I will tell her but will need to psych myself up for the fallout

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 12/11/2019 17:58

If you tell your dm do it when he's there and keep eye contact with him. She'll know by his face who's telling the truth.

mbosnz · 12/11/2019 18:08

I understand exactly where you're coming from. A similar situation, and I didn't speak up - because I'd had previous similar issues and when I had raised them, had been sidelined and minimised. Then it all blew up, and I was asked 'well why didn't you tell me?!' My response was 'why the hell would I after how you were last time?!'

Do what you need to do to be comfortable in your skin and life, and to protect yourself and your child. Whether that's telling your mother, or whether that's minimising chances for contact - or both.

dottiedodah · 13/11/2019 06:52

I think he sounds like a creep of the highest order! See Mum on your own if you want to ,but I wouldnt want to meet with him at all .Some women seem to want to have a man above all else, and I think your DM is like this .I wouldnt be surprised if he has done something similar before TBH!

Robin2323 · 13/11/2019 08:26

Something a bit similar happened at my aunt and uncles house about 3 years back - I've not seen them since 😳

Original poster
CBGBs · 13/11/2019 08:29

Thanks all.
I know they are going to say “oh don’t be stupid, it’s only your leg, it’s nothing”
I am not a touchy feely person though. And it was my bare skin so it just felt too personal.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 13/11/2019 08:39

That’s because it was too personal!

In your position id tackle him not your mum.
It’s made you feel vulnerable, why turn to someone who won’t hear or support you when your vulnerable?

I’d walk in, and at the first opportunity to be alone with him I’d say
“ I’ve felt sick since you put your hands on my thigh in the summer. Never touch me again”.
And walk off.
He will likely deny, but you don’t need t be on the same page about it, you just need to tell him that no, he can’t do that to you.

Saying it will give you your power back.

Sorry your mum hasn’t been the best.

AmIThough · 13/11/2019 08:41

I think you should discuss it with them and make it clear exactly how you feel and that DD won't ever be around them without you present.

Your mom is under his spell so is unlikely to respond well but you need to make it clear his behaviour is inappropriate and unacceptable.

Beamur · 13/11/2019 08:44

Creepy.
To be honest with you, I'm not sure what telling your Mum will achieve. She's unlikely to bin him.
Avoid being alone with him.

Deathraystare · 13/11/2019 08:45

My DM hasn’t always been the best mum, she has a tendency to put men before her children and she accepts poor treatment from men.

He will deny it. She will think you have made a fuss out of nothing/say you are lying.

It is a shame that women like this exist. A very good idea to see mum only if you want to and exp[lain why even if she reacts how I think she will. Who knows he may try it on with your daughter too.

Themyscira · 13/11/2019 08:45

Addressing this head on probably won't help anything. It sounds like your mum is in an abusive relationship, and as such she can't see when he is abusive to her or to others.

You are absolutely right to feel uncomfortable by his actions, but if I were in your position, I'd just distance myself as much as possible and keep your DD safe from him at all times.

Themyscira · 13/11/2019 08:47

It is a shame that women like this exist.

It is a shame men abuse women. It's a shame on our entire society that the abuse of women is accepted, normalised and then turned around and made entirely their fault. Don't blame women for abusive men's actions.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/11/2019 10:25

I'm not sure how confident you are to tackle HIM on this?
You say your DM will brush it off. So if you can do it!
I'd probably approach him and tell him that what he did was overstepping your boundary and you find it creepy and unacceptable and if he tried anything like it it again you will be telling everyone.
Or maybe your DH could do it. Tell him to back the fuck off?

@Themyscira I didn't read that the same way. I thought she was saying that about her DM and other women who put men first and make excuses for them?

Newgirls · 13/11/2019 17:25

I think the only benefit to telling her is that it might (only might) stop him doing it to others. That might be your motivation to say something. But you are right to steel yourself as it sounds like she will try to make excuses/pass blame.

ILikePaperHats · 13/11/2019 18:10

This happened to me, my mum didn't believe me!!! Fortunately though she got rid of the creep after a while.

Raphael34 · 13/11/2019 18:15

I wouldn’t have thought anything of it myself. What else is he doing to make you feel uncomfortable?

DeeCeeCherry · 13/11/2019 23:46

Speak up? I'd have raised the fucking roof right then and there on the spot, to hell with covering up for sake of your mum and if she found out and didn't believe it then tough.

Who the fuck does he think he is? & in front of your DD too. In your shoes I'd not want him anywhere near my DD either. Disgusting old lech.

I am so tired of hearing about men getting away with this shit behaviour whilst women twist & turn either not telling, or trying to find numerous ways to lessen the impact of telling.

Sonetimes we care too much about others' feelings whilst our boundaries are trampled on. That's what society's done.

Tired of it.

Ruderidinghood · 14/11/2019 01:00

I think you should play along and then when he leans in for a kiss knee him in the balls and tell him about himself! Then grab his nuts and as you are twisting them tell him that if he even looks in your direction you'll have him for breakfast. After that, tell him that whenever he hears youa re coming for a visit he best make himself scarce and that he may be able to fool your mum but he can't fool you. Also tell him not to flatter himself as of youd be interested.

managedmis · 14/11/2019 01:07

Oh god what a shit situation.

I can understand you not wanting to tell your mum, if she'll somehow twist it to be your fault?

I'd avoid him and see your ma alone only

Swipe left for the next trending thread