Mum’s DP put his hand on my thigh, would you speak up?

[CBGBs]

When we had the heatwave in the summer my mum’s DP of twenty years gave me (and my DD10) a lift home. I’m 32 and he is 60. I was wearing shorts and before I got out of the car he put his hand on my bare thigh and said something about him being willing to give me a lift anytime.

I shot out of the car, got DD and said a hasty goodbye. Looking back I do regret not telling him off at the time but I was in shock and I’m somewhat of a people pleaser as my biological father was abusive. I find it difficult to assert myself sometimes. I’m not sure if DD saw it but I feel bad that I haven’t set a good example to her about defending your personal space, body etc.

I’m not very close to my mum’s DP as I think he is quite controlling of her (she disagrees) but I am pleasant enough with him. At the start of their relationship he was living two lives, weekdays with his wife and then my mum at the weekend so I suppose I have an opinion of him from those days. I was a teenager back then so it was all quite dysfunctional. I don’t hug him and I don’t consider him a stepfather.

I haven’t wanted to see him since the summer and have managed to see DM on her own. Now there is pressure to visit and I feel quite uncomfortable with just brushing it under the carpet. DH doesn’t feel like visiting them either.

My friends think that I should tell my DM what happened but I have this feeling he will deny and my DM will say I’m mistaken, which will upset me. My DM hasn’t always been the best mum, she has a tendency to put men before her children and she accepts poor treatment from men.

I feel like it’s only a hand on a thigh so I shouldn’t make a big fuss, but at the same time I really don’t want to go round there and I don’t know what to do.

What a creep. That was an inappropriate invasion of your personal space. If he ever does it again you need to challenge it, firmly. He's done it once & got away with it, so he'll do it again. I'm not sure about telling your mum, she won't want to hear it anyway, but obviously don't let your DD be alone with him, or yourself if you can avoid it.

Honestly if your mum won't believe you anyway and it will cause a fight with her I'd leave it. Your daughter doesn't see them alone, just invite your mum out and see her alone when possible and only be around him when others are there like family gatherings etc.

Keep your distance, I don't see any good coming of saying anything especially well after the fact, going by what you've said.

I don't think you need to tell you mum at all. She always knows he's a piece of shit even though she'll never admit it.

If you are ever in his company again and alone, whisper to the old goat if he ever assaults/touches you again, he won't be able to touch anything when you're done. That's all you need to say and that he hears it and nobody else.

What an abusive, predatory pig. To me, thigh-touching is an intimate touch. He was also being suggestive by saying he would give you a ride anytime as he touched you. That your daughter may have seen this is horrifying.

I would absolutely tackle this now. Assert your boundaries in no uncertain terms. Tell your mother what happened.. Don’t argue with her, but inform her that you & your family refuse to be in his presence. If she denies or minimizes, let that be her problem, and go LC with her.

If you are able, tell him that you will not tolerate his touching you ever again. Whether or not you confront, go NC with him.

Talk to your daughter again about boundaries. She may bring up seeing his inappropriate and, if so, you can reassure her that you are taking action.

Consider seeking the support of individual counseling to strengthen your self-esteem and boundaries.

Challenge him in your DMS presence

seeing his inappropriate touching