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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

ExH. This is weird, right?

33 replies

bulkingforwinter · 12/11/2019 15:20

Just to give background - My ex is a dickhead. An abusive arsehole, sees the children every couple of months when it suits him, argues over everything, ticks every box in the covert narcissist handbook. He met someone and married her a few months later, introducing her to the DC as their new stepmum. Moved 200 miles away to live with her and consequently barely sees the DC. Never mind, we are better off the less he is around - but. The constant emails about contact where he is changing this or that, cancelling, announcing which weekends and holiday dates the children will be with him (not asking, announcing..) - in every email he copies in his new wife, writes 'WE will have the children' and 'WE will pick them up' and are all signed Kind regards, Wanker & MrsWanker. It irritates me but I am trying not to rise to it, but I really don't want to include a total stranger into a conversation about our children, I don't know her, and I don't see how contact arrangements have anything to do with her. I have had very little contact with her apart from a couple of emails from her where she ranted that I was being unfair and unreasonable blah blah blah. Is this common, should I just accept it as one of these things and chose my battles although it's weird, right? I live with DP but I don't get involved in the contact arrangements he has with his ex wife.

OP posts:
BarbedBloom · 12/11/2019 15:43

He sounds like a dick, but contact arrangements will involve her whether she is copied in or not really. Either they will both be there, or she will at least want to know where he is if he is disappearing for a day.

It doesn't sound like he is a particularly good father, but unfortunately it is up to him what he does on his contact time

bulkingforwinter · 12/11/2019 16:01

contact time is not the issue or the children having a step mum, just the ramming it down my throat -yness of it all, and cc'ing her on emails that are just pages and pages of ranting and threatening with yet another court battle. Like it's the two against me, I am trying to rise above it...

OP posts:
nomoreclue · 12/11/2019 16:06

If I was you, I just wouldn’t respond. Let him take you to court. Yes it’s not up to you what he does on his contact time but you also don’t have to put up with abuse. Just don’t answer and let him take you to court. He’ll get a shock then won’t he. He’ll have to spend money, make effort, and abide by the law. He won’t get to dictate. He moved away so the onus will be on him to facilitate the contact. They will also draw up a contact schedule and he’ll have to stick to it so that will probably be in your benefit as no more unexpected/sporadic contact emails.

nomoreclue · 12/11/2019 16:07

Oh and make sure you print off and save all the abusive messages.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/11/2019 16:15

If I was you, I just wouldn’t respond. Let him take you to court.

this...

sue51 · 12/11/2019 16:21

Get court to set contact in stone. That'll stop him dicking about with contact times.

Gamble66 · 12/11/2019 16:23

Let him sue you - with thier money 🤑😁

Halestorm · 12/11/2019 16:24

Is there a pattern where his demands to see his beloved children are cc'd to her but when he's trying to weasel out of actually seeing them she's not copied in such as one to one texts or emails from a different address?

If so then it's for her benefit because he's told her he's not a deadbeat dad and blamed you for him not bothering his hole with his kids.

Respond in as few words as possible. Make it a game. Award yourself full marks if you can manage to convey it all in a single thumbs up emoji. He threatens to take you to court, you reply "that's fine." Or a thumbs up.

AmIThough · 12/11/2019 16:24

Bet you anything she insists on being copied in because she winds him up and watches him go - I bet she's telling him what to write and what to threaten you with etc.

She's probably also very insecure and is scared he'll be nice to you and you'll go running back into his arms if she's not monitoring communication.

PurpleWithRed · 12/11/2019 16:25

Oh and keep a diary of all the contact changes

NameChangeNugget · 12/11/2019 16:26

Exactly what I was thinking @AmIThough

bulkingforwinter · 12/11/2019 16:32

@AmIthough I am suspecting this because we were co-parenting just fine until he met and married her, he was seeing them every weekend and generally being present a lot more. Then he moved away from the kids and it's all We We We and the tone changed, I was blocked on his phone amongst other fuckwittery. Although he is a wanker so it's all on him of course.

OP posts:
PersephoneOP · 12/11/2019 16:33

You should address this 'announcing' that he's so fond of. That is not how co-parenting works and if you stick up for yourself (even if it's hard) he will eventually understand that he needs to act like an adult when it comes to discussing your DC.

How long have they been married? If the marriage is new it is probably just the novelty of it all, and over time she will see him for what a wanker he is and stop supporting his use of her as a petty weapon to get on your nerves.

AmIThough · 12/11/2019 16:34

Oh yeah he's definitely still a wanker so hopefully they stay together because she's clearly a wanker too so they're well suited.

Winterdaysarehere · 12/11/2019 16:38

You are to offer up contact that's suits your dc. If he doesn't show tough shit. You are not obligated to dance to THEIR tune..
Let a solicitor tell THEM such...

XJerseyGirlX · 12/11/2019 16:39

Dont reply and if you have to, dont copy her in. Let him take you to court with "Their" money and the judge can tell them when he can see the kids.

sillysmiles · 12/11/2019 16:41

Personally I'd leave her cc'ed and respond as though I was just responding to him and try knock the "announcing" on the head.

Sparkletastic · 12/11/2019 16:45

Start copying your DP in. Never explain why you are doing so. Enrage them by being maddeningly reasonable and neutral in your tone, all the while maintaining a strictly defined contact schedule that you are happy with.

Sandals19 · 12/11/2019 16:49

Like it's the two against me

That's why he's doing it. He's too weak to stand on his own.

Also you know what he's like but he can't accept what he's like, he had to be right (and you wrong) and what better way of proving that he's right and you're wrong about him than by showing you and everyone else, ad nauseum that different woman thinks he's just great and us his committed partner.

Also it's to wind you up.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. She'll probably go too eventually - then he'll have to get another woman in two seconds to "prove" he's alright, and it was her who had the issues.

Sandals19 · 12/11/2019 16:53

Besides insecure, not well rounded, dysfunctional people do just act that in general - cling to their latest part of like a baby monkey, morph their lives into one, act like they're joined at the hip.and sort of merge into one person. U til it goes sour, however long that takes.

It's a sign of his dysfunction as well.

Sandals19 · 12/11/2019 16:54

*latest partner.

Mollyalone · 12/11/2019 16:55

My exh always signs of his shitty emails

Regards
Tiny Dick 🤓(obviously my private name for him)

And I always send a short to the point reply back and sign mine off with

Thankyou

Ms M maiden name

He hates it 😁

Bluntness100 · 12/11/2019 16:56

On one hand it's good for her to be involved, she will be co parenting with him when the kids are with him. On the other hand he's trying to wind you up it seems. Or you feel he is.

Bottom line is hold your head up. Anything else will look like you're jealous and bitter. And as said, it's a positive she's involved. Unless there is a drip feed coming.

Raphael34 · 12/11/2019 16:58

He’s obviously trying to wind you up. Don’t let him get to you

Beveren · 12/11/2019 16:59

If I was you, I just wouldn’t respond. Let him take you to court.

Not a good idea. Write to him first with formal proposals for contact - probably along the lines of the contact that was working before - and on the basis that he pays for any travel involved as he is the one who moved away. Tell him that if he takes it to court you will supply a copy of your letter to the court to demonstrate that you have acted entirely reasonably about this, and that if there is any more harassment from him relating to contact it is you who will be taking the issue to court in order to get arrangements fully defined by court order.