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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he still abusing me?

41 replies

Paulettepink · 12/11/2019 00:50

Really need to get some perspective please. My ex has messed with my head so much I think I'm no longer sure on what is abuse and what is a normal argument...worried I am over reacting to our latest 'exchanges'.

I told him he wasnt going to see his son again (due to his drug use). As he walks past me he came quite close and said with much hatred something along the lines of "it must make you feel really worthless knowing that I care so little about you that you have to use our son to hurt me. You must feel really worthless" (great emphasis on the word worthless)

He also told me repeatedly that he was going to stay at some girls house if I 'kick him out again'. He told me he was clean so he had been staying for about a week with a view to us trying again.

Been shouting at me telling me how unsupportive I have been and how he will never get clean with me and even the drug worker he saw told him that. But this new girl is offering him 100% support. Apparently I shouldn't be kicking him out or telling him he wont ever see his son again as its not supportive.

He made sure to mention his gorgeous this girl is.

Also told me when I told him to leave Saturday night that if I did he wouldn't give me the money he owes me, which he knows I need.

He has ignored the message I sent again suggesting we go to counselling etc, yet has called me and been online numerous times since. Says there is no reason he hasn't replied.

Says I am abusive because I criticize him and put him down all the time. For example any mention of his drug use or what he has put me through.

Says I am dead to him again if I dont admit again that I was wrong to tell his older child mother about his drug use

Am I being over sensitive because of what has already happened? Or is this abusive behaviour too?

OP posts:
justbeingelle · 12/11/2019 00:58

This is absolutely abusive. He is trying to put you down, lower yourself esteem and turn the blame on you so that he can control you. Are you in contact with any support agencies such as Women's Aid?

Original poster
Paulettepink · 12/11/2019 01:12

Not currently, but I was

OP posts:
LavaLamp5566 · 12/11/2019 01:37

Yep. He's abusive, your best bet would be putting a restraining order in place - If he's abusing you then there's a good chance he'll start abusing your Son. Keep him safe, and ask for a restraining order to be put in place

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP Flowers Wine

Aveisenim · 12/11/2019 01:40

Get back in contact with women's aid. And do contact through court and ask for regular drug testing etc.

Aveisenim · 12/11/2019 01:40

Oh and get a restraining order! Report his behaviour to the police.

FatherB · 12/11/2019 02:06

So it definitely doesn't sound great but one question... is he still doing drugs? It sounds like he is saying he isn't, he's got someone working with him to quit and stay sober, he has a supportive new woman in some weird relationship where she's ok with him seeing you? whatever, glossing over that.

Point being, if he has quit, and you told him he can't see his child because 'he's a druggie' then he sort of has a point and is reasonably upset but overreacting. If he is 'trying to quit' but still doing drugs then he is just outright being abusive.

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 12/11/2019 06:08

Yes he's being abusive
But I told him he wasnt going to see his son again is also abusive in my opinion.

Belfield · 12/11/2019 07:15

You both sound abusive. If someone told me I would never see my child again I wouldn't exactly be friendly. He could be trying to put you down re what his counsellor said or they could have said it.Relationship is toxic. Best to move on.

ChristmasFluff · 12/11/2019 07:21

I'm surprised at all these women who'd be allowing an abusive druggie access to their children, and calling a woman abusive because she isn't.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 12/11/2019 07:38

I offered to stand by him while he got help, said he has my support in whatever way he needed. I kept his secret for about a year, all while he was being horribly abusive throughout my pregnancy and after he was born. I begged him to get help numerous times. I’ve lost count of how many times he has promised to get help but then admits a couple of months later that he hasn’t been going. I think he has been to a total of 3 appointments in 18 months.

He is still using. The argument started because he didn’t come back Friday as he was getting high, and he is point blank refusing to get help.

This new woman is apparently someone he met on pof. Been talking for 3 months but not actually met yet but she says he can go and stay, with his brother, who he moved into mine as well without asking.

I’ve told him he can’t see his son because he is an addict and has been abusive and is refusing help. Surely that is me safeguarding my son?

OP posts:
Original poster
Paulettepink · 12/11/2019 07:46

I have supported him in every practical way imaginable and tried to offer emotional support but he refuses to talk. He always knows best about everything. I’ve offered to go with him to support groups, found online support groups for him, local clinics, offered to go the GP with him, found self help books/videos but he refuses all of it. Says he Still needs to leave the area and he will be able to stop.

I let him see his son under my supervision but he failed test after test and then blew nearly all his wages on it again so he ended the relationship as I wouldn’t let him see his son while he was coming down. He then didn’t see him for 3 months. Didn’t even send him a birthday card. I invited him a number of times to see his son as he said he was clean but he never turned up.

OP posts:
suesylvesterr · 12/11/2019 08:21

Stop entertaining him. Cut all contact and let him get access through the courts. He's an addict and won't change. Let him explain himself to the court.

Heartburn888 · 12/11/2019 08:23

I think best thing you can do with regards to money is just cut your losses as he will just use this as means to control you.

My ex was similar with the drug use and started saying a girl who he had been having an affair with had drug issues and they would overcome this together and they would support each other, something I had never done 🤨 it’s just words to hurt you. You can’t help those who don’t want the help.

If he’s a drug user and you have concerns of your sons safety whilst in his care then you absolutely should stop contact until he is clean. God forbid something was to happen in his care and social services got wind of it and you had knowingly sent your son to be with someone who you know can’t look after them properly, your head would be on the chopping board too

Original poster
Paulettepink · 12/11/2019 08:29

He was shouting very loudly about taking me to court in the summer. He called every solicitor in town but i assume they all told him that he didnt have a leg to stand on as nothing ever happened. Apparently he never went to the mediation appointment to get the form signed. If I dont allow contact though I'm sure it won't be long before he starts telling me again that he won't repay what he owes me as he will use it to take me to court instead

OP posts:
Belfield · 12/11/2019 08:50

You need to cut contact and move on. All this drama with threatening him re his son is just aggravating the whole situation. I didn't mean in earlier message that you should facilitate him seeing his son but rather when he is ranting then you shouldn't be talking about access and how he will never ever see him. That's hardly going to garner a positive result. Your updated messages paint you as innocent and he the devil. This is a very toxic relationship and whilst he is a druggie you should have zero contact.

Original poster
Paulettepink · 12/11/2019 09:07

You are right, I shouldn't have said it, it wasn't the right time to bring it up. I think I'm still linging to the hope that he will realise what is at stake and finally get help.

OP posts:
billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 12/11/2019 09:13

ChristmasFluff many 'abusive druggies' have access to their children. If the woman doesn't allow it the courts often do

Original poster
Paulettepink · 12/11/2019 10:13

My reason for not wanting him to see his son is I dont want him to end up heartbroken when daddy lets him down/disappears for a couple of years/ends up in prison/kills himself with his drug use. I have witnessed first hand the heartbreak he caused his older son because he didn't bother with him for a couple of years as drugs were more important.

Plus of course he has witnessed far too much in the first year of his life, I don't want him growing up around that.

I would much prefer that he sorts himself out and we all live happily ever after but he isnt doing it.

OP posts:
billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 12/11/2019 10:20

OP I so understand and sympathise. What I meant is that to say 'you'll never see your son again' could be considered abusive. ( By all means think it but don't use it as a threat!)
At the end of the day most people agree that a child has the right to have a relationship with both parents. I completely agree that a man such as this would be unlikely to add a great deal positive to your child's life. However, judges have awarded similar men contact with children, even if this was supervised

Original poster
Paulettepink · 12/11/2019 10:21

I should also say that the drugs worsen his already bad temper and make him aggressive and paranoid. And a compulsive liar. And a thief. He has also never participated in family life. He would sleep until at least lunchtime on the weekends leaving me to do everything like every other day. He contributed not a single Penny to living in my home, not even for his son or the food he ate. I have had 1 months child support since he said he would start paying 3 months ago. He gave me £30 on Friday but took it straight back to buy drugs.

The last thing I want to be is abusive towards my ex. I'm still trying to help him but I have to protect my son and also my self. But I do recognise that I should not have said he wouldn't ever see his son again, even it its true, it wasn't helpful to say so. The mother of his older son had stopped all contact too. Is she also being abusive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Paulettepink · 12/11/2019 10:36

I get the feeling I'm in the wrong this time so I will apologise to him. I don't want to be part of the problem

OP posts:
12345kbm · 12/11/2019 11:04

It sounds like you're in a co dependent relationship with him. His abuse started during pregnancy which is textbook. It often starts when they get their feet under the table.

I would stop trying to help him or support it as he needs to do that for himself. You can read up on co dependency to learn what you are doing and get some advice regarding child maintenance from Gingerbread or CABx who can provide lots of other information as well.

Separate your lives as it seems as though you are still living together. I wouldn't want my child to see a drug abuser on a regular basis as their lives tend to be chaotic. It might help to have a chat with an organisation like DrugFAM which is for those affected by others drug use: Email [email protected] or phone the helpline on 0300 888 3853 www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/

12345kbm · 12/11/2019 11:07

Just saw your last message, don't apologise to him. His ex probably stopped contact because he's abusive, steals and leads a chaotic lifestyle. See if there are any domestic abuse organisations locally that might be able to provide support and advice www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Original poster
Paulettepink · 12/11/2019 11:15

Thank you for the above suggestions. I will Google co-dependancy and try to get more help from those organisations. He has got me totally confused

OP posts:
12345kbm · 12/11/2019 11:21

No problem at all. It's usually when we step away from the relationship, that we can see how messed up it is. When you're in the middle of it, it's very easy to get lost and confused. Self awareness is the first step so well done for seeing that there is something wrong and reaching out for help and support.