Counsellor said I was being controlled.Was I?

[jessiejames2]

I'm Possibly shocked . I've come
From counselling this evening . My husband and I have separated, his call.
He was unhappy and basically fell out of love with me. Probable other woman.
I spoke with my counsellor tonight and told her that I was unsettled about some stuff that went on in the marriage, now that I can reflect. I would say firstly that I consider myself able, strong, confident and responsible. I have essentially reared my children on my own with little help from a selfish man child. I also work full time and have a decent salary.
From when we met, my husbamd always had the final day when I wanted to buy anything significant eg furniture, car, holidays , house etc and more often than not, he wouldn't agree.i simply didn't buy . I often hid what I did buy or just bought for the kids without him
Knowing or really having any interest as long as it wasn't his money .He has form threatened that we would t go on holidays as we didn't have the money and then a few days later when his mood improved, we'd be going on holidays again.
He agreed for us to put in offers in houses and sites and would then insist we withdraw as he said we couldn't afford it, having put in all the legwork first,
I would never have gone out and bought things like a vac or an expense more than e50 for the house. He would not have been happy.
I remember when we bought our first house , he came home one evening and I had bought a plant, a mat, a lamp and a vase and he just looked at me as if to say 'how dare you buy without my permission.' That was twenty years ago.
I always did everything for a quiet life for the kids sake as he is shouty and
Curses a lot and sometimes scared the childrenuntil I intervened.
Was I controlled in your opinion? I need to figure this out as I am genuinely shocked that she said that, but she was adamant. Thanks

It does sound like controlling behaviour, particularly financially.

I would say that is very controlling if you were not hard up. If a family is in poverty I can understand that even small purchases must be discussed and agreed upon.

You were in an abusive relationship OP and well done for seeing a counsellor. You might find this information helpful: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/ There is a programme called the Freedom Programme for women who have been in abusive relationships that you might find helpful. It teaches you about abusive behaviour and how to spot it.

That is very controlling behaviour. Sometimes the situation seems normal whilst your in it. It isn't until you come out of the relationship you see how bad it is. Your councillor is right.

Yes you were controlled. Esp if it was your money.

Thanks for reading and responding. Can anyone recommend any reading material to support me in trying to unpick this? I cannot understand how I would allow this to be done to myself? I still
Can't really see it but accept your word which is why I posted.

Yes you were controlled. You probably cant see it in your own mind because you were manipulated alongside it. I'm sorry, sounds like you had a lucky escape and soon enough things will become clear. It's easier to see clearly when you are no longer in the middle of it. You learn how to keep someone like that happy and before you know it you change yourself to accommodate or keep the peace. Onwards and upward for you.

There is a good book by Lundy Bancroft -Why does he do that? He talks about abusers and their different traits.

Yes you were abused, financially and controlled by him if he was making decisions about houses, holidays and items for the house.

He used the boiling frog technique. Where you are the frog dropped into a pan of water and they gradually turn up the heat, or in other words turn up the abuse and everything is gradual so you don't realise it is happening.

I recommend speaking to women's aid and seeing if you can do the Freedom Programme, you can also do it online.

I would also research cluster b personality types and see if he fits a narcissistic/ sociopathic/ psychopathic disorder.

Or he maybe just an absolute prick and you are well rid of him!

Anyone who has to walk on egg shells or keep the peace, or do anything for a quiet life, is living with an abuser.

Well done for getting away!

he controlled all the decisions and always had the final say - you protected your children by going along with it

Is he still trying to now or are you able to assert control and make decisions

Yes you should read Lundy Bancroft’s book and do the Freedom Programme. It takes a long time to process the abuse because it has happened for so long. Good luck

Well honey you have managed to escape an abusive relationship, and you
Didn’t even realise it was abusive ! I don’t say that laughingly as trying to do same and it’s bloody hard . So I am very pleased you have escaped.

But yes the behaviour indicates both anger /the bully and financial
Control

Google The Freedom Programme and read up On types

And here’s to freedom

freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/dominator-mr-right.pdf

I make my own decisions now and when I started to do that eg buying furniture, picking paints etc I started to feel anxious as I had never done this before and I immediately wondered if he would try to stop me putting certain furniture into kids rooms etc as he had done before. Just a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going to try to stop me doing what I wanted to do to my new house with my children , even though it had nothing to do with him. I can't believe that I have been controlled. It's going to take a lot for me to deal with this.
Can anyone shed any light on why I would ever allow anybody to do this to me?? I'm actually shocked . Thanks

Try not to blame yourself. It's not quite that you allowed someone to do this to you. People who are manipulative and controlling build up to it and like many people, particularly women, you've been programmed to please and to keep the peace. Over time the behaviour pattern between you becomes the norm. Your goal now, having clocked what has happened is to change tack and not let it happen any more.

Yes, definitely controlled. Unfortunately it creeps up on you as you think it's the norm.

Makes me shudder.

Hope you're ok OP

Agree with last post - you only realise after the fact what has been going on. We have been divorced for five years and I’m now working to ensure that he doesn’t do the same to our kids. He’s trying his best!

That is extremely controlling behaviour

You said he also shouted and swore, and frightened the children. Walking on eggshells is no way to live but all too easy to end up doing. So glad you're free now xxx

Can anyone shed any light on why I would ever allow anybody to do this to me?? I'm actually shocked . Thanks

Like you said you were scared of his responses, the overt shouting and aggression and manipulation mean that you behaved in a way to get his approval.

Please don't blame yourself for 'letting' yourself be treated in that way. I'm glad you are getting counselling, I have also heard good things about the freedom programme from Woman's Aid.

I always did everything for a quiet life for the kids sake as he is shouty and
Curses a lot and sometimes scared the children*
*
Basically this. And the bit about his reaction to you buying those things. He managed to change your behaviour by his actions. It probably wasn't big things to start with. Or it was excused as him wanting the best for you. Or small enough for you not be care that much. And then it grows.

Why would you allow yourself to be treated like this? Good question. I've been in the same position. Mine also had physical aggression. I'm not sure I fully understand it either yet.

I really agree with feeling anxious doing things your weren't allowed to do before. Some sometimes though i do things and in my head I'm saying haha fuck you I can do this now.

Yes the counsellor was spot on. Lundy Bancroft’s book WHY DOES HE DO THAT changed my life after leaving an abusive relationship, though he was not financially controlling. Be kind to yourself & allow yourself to grief the loss. You loved genuinely & you were not controlling or abusive. Please decorate your room exactly as you like, if you want magenta sheets & 20 display pillows with different dog’s faces do it. Do everything he would have hated that you like. You’re like a tiny sprout & you will bloom without him running the show.

I always did everything for a quiet life for the kids sake as he is shouty.

You told yourself this noble, selfless, sounding lie and that’s why you put up with it.

Thanks everyone for your kind wishes. Your response has been overwhelmingly consistent and I am in no doubt that you can see through the behaviours, specially those who experienced them.
I have ordered that book this morning.I really want to make sure that this never happens to me again. It's complex isn't it? Here I am, in a position where I am responsible and in control in my work yet at home I never made the big decisions and allowed that power to be taken from me.
I worry now about custody and maintenance and if he will try to exert that power in different ways .I also worry about my children and his aggression and cursing.
Are there any resources available to help me to build myself up and put boundaries in place please. I've read the freedom programme links too thanks so very much.

It sounds very similar to my previous relationship. It took me a very long time to accept he was controlling and emotionally abusive.
It then took me a while to get over it but i'm now a much more confident and happy person.
You will be fine...in fact you'll be more than fine you'll be your own person again!
Good luck x

Can anyone shed any light on why I would ever allow anybody to do this to me?? I'm actually shocked
These abusive controlling assholes are master manipulators.
It would have crept up on you slowly without you even realising it.
Before you know it, you are walking on eggshells, changing yourself and your reactions so as not to 'set him off'
Your maternal instinct kicked in and you did it to protect your DC.
Thousand upon thousands of wonderful, strong, independent women get drawn in day after day.
None of this is your fault OP.

You can do the Freedom Programme on-line. That will help you to see this for what it is and also show you that it's not your fault. There are so many of these men out there, it's frightening.
As also mentioned - the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that? will also shed some light for you.

Look on youtube as well. There are loads of videos about controlling men and red flags and what to look for.

Having counselling is the best thing right now OP.

And facing up to the fact this was abuse and control is something you need to do.

I'm so glad you are rid of him. Pity the OW and try to move with your life.