Counsellor said I was being controlled.Was I?

[jessiejames2]

I'm Possibly shocked . I've come
From counselling this evening . My husband and I have separated, his call.
He was unhappy and basically fell out of love with me. Probable other woman.
I spoke with my counsellor tonight and told her that I was unsettled about some stuff that went on in the marriage, now that I can reflect. I would say firstly that I consider myself able, strong, confident and responsible. I have essentially reared my children on my own with little help from a selfish man child. I also work full time and have a decent salary.
From when we met, my husbamd always had the final day when I wanted to buy anything significant eg furniture, car, holidays , house etc and more often than not, he wouldn't agree.i simply didn't buy . I often hid what I did buy or just bought for the kids without him
Knowing or really having any interest as long as it wasn't his money .He has form threatened that we would t go on holidays as we didn't have the money and then a few days later when his mood improved, we'd be going on holidays again.
He agreed for us to put in offers in houses and sites and would then insist we withdraw as he said we couldn't afford it, having put in all the legwork first,
I would never have gone out and bought things like a vac or an expense more than e50 for the house. He would not have been happy.
I remember when we bought our first house , he came home one evening and I had bought a plant, a mat, a lamp and a vase and he just looked at me as if to say 'how dare you buy without my permission.' That was twenty years ago.
I always did everything for a quiet life for the kids sake as he is shouty and
Curses a lot and sometimes scared the childrenuntil I intervened.
Was I controlled in your opinion? I need to figure this out as I am genuinely shocked that she said that, but she was adamant. Thanks

It's like being boiled alive as a frog - you don't realise it's happening. It creeps up on you. They're also very manipulative and manage to keep you confused, or doubting yourself. Plus they're not always horrible - the mixture of hot/cold treatment is designed to keep you there - you'd leave if all they did was the horrid stuff.

And yes on boundaries. like you, I am a strong and independent person, and completely failed to put in place boundaries or walk away when I was treated badly. These people are masters are eroding boundaries and self-esteem. It's amazing what some people who appear strong will put up with - complete control, cheating, abuse, rape, violence and they normalise and even excuse it even if it's really clear that they are in an abusive relationship. But if you have counselling, you learn about how to enforce boundaries and you won't fall for it again.

Feel proud of yourself - you're out and you've got your children out - that's a real achievement.

Yes he will ime.

He will continue to expect you to continue this way .

You do needs to see a solicitor in regards to your entitlement from divorce.

Do not give into what you consider not to be in the best interests of the children.

He might not want a relationship with you but will still want to control you.

Do look at the freedom program