Would you find this irritating

[Witholdingthetruth]

I've been with my boyfriend for a couple of years. We both have kids and don't live together. We see each other most weekends. We text or speak every day.

We saw each other at the weekend, after a few hours I noticed he hadn't smoked so I asked him about it. He said he'd decided to give up. He's not a heavy smoker but this is good news. I asked if it was the first day and he said he started on Monday, 5 days before. So at no point during those 5 days did he think to tell me. I said I was really annoyed that he hadn't told me but he doesn't see why it's a big deal. I just find it weird that he hasn't bothered to tell me something important.

This isn't the first time he hasn't told me about things going on his life. Some have been more important, some have been less important. But we are in a committed relationship where we talk about the most menial of things so why not tell me about the more important things?

Maybe he didn't want to say in case he failed?

I never told anyone I had stopped for over a week incase I didn’t manage it

It really wouldn't bother me in the slightest!
I think you are getting het up over nothing to be honest.

I agree that by telling you he would be under pressure not to fail. He was probably just seeing how it went. I wouldn't get upset about it. What kind of other things does he not mention to you, big, important stuff or everyday things?

Yeah YABU, when you don’t want to let people down there is so much more pressure when you tell people.

When I've quit I didnt make a big deal about it - in fact telling my husband would have risked made him keep asking how im doing etc and reminding me

So some people just like to do these things alone, quietly

I agree with the others, it adds pressure if you tell people you’ve quit so it’s fine not to make a big deal of it.

I went on a diet earlier this year and never told anyone for the simple fact that I did not want endless questions about it, people "teasing" me over food, asking did I not miss chips/chocolate/crisps. It was the first time that a diet has stuck for me, lost almost two stone and feel great. It may be the same for him, he may not want to deal with questions, being asked "how many days has it been", "mates" trying to get him to crack and smoke again. I say YABU, tell him you are proud of his progress OP.

I didn't tell anyone I stopped smoking as I couldn't be doing with the constant questions and asking how I was doing. I just wanted to do it under my own terms.

I would have to be extremely insecure in the relationship to even think of it in that way.

No it wouldn't irritate me at all.

I can see what everyone is saying about him worrying he will fail, I actually hadn't thought of it like that. He doesn't worry about things, so didn't consider it.

It was probably a bad example, just the latest thing he hasn't told me. I'm reluctant to say too much in case it's outgoing, but there have been some major things he hasn't told me that I've found out in passing but he hasn't seen why I'm annoyed.

I'm definitely insecure, due to my previous boyfriend being a compulsive liar.

Shame,because something praiseworthy and good has become a source of annoyance. You should be pleased, not cross

Your previous boyfriend may have been a liar, but that's not a reason to accept your own behavuour, or justify it. If you're insecure to this extent then seek some help to move past it.

It's unfortunate that you feel insecure and he doesn't share things that you feel he should. But, if you've mentioned these things to him and he still doesn't get it, I don't really know what you can do.

I am pleased. And since he told me I've done nothing but praise him. As I said, I think the smoking thing was a bad example. But things that affect my life that he doesn't bother to tell me end up making smaller things more significant than they should be.

After you update I'm not sure what to make of it.
The giving up smoking is a non issue for me and if I had given up and someone was constantly praising me I would feel pissed off and annoyed. I'd be thinking I didn't tell you for a reason and this is the reason!!!
You say there are other things he hasn't told you. It depends what they are. I don't want someone knowing every little nuance about me and sometimes I don't tell because it doesn't occur to me to. eg If I've decided to go to the gym more, change the style of my hair, buy new clothes.

You have given to little info to decide but WRT giving up smoking it wouldn't occur to me to mention it and when I found out to praise him.

Nah I wouldn't find it irritating.. Maybe he was hoping you didn't notice so he could tell you when he had achieved not smoking for longer..

An example of small things, he was at the pub on Friday night. We were texting back and forth for several hours whilst he was out about this and that but he didn't mention he was at the pub with his mates. I find that odd. If I was out with my friends I certainly would've mentioned it.

Why does it matter where he was?

I think you’re overreacting.

I mean, it’s not as if he lied and said he was somewhere else.

You are nitpicking.

I think your insecurity is the big issue unfortunately. Have you addressed that? Bringing insecurity from one relationship into the next is unhealthy and destructive in the long term.

It doesn't matter where he was as such, it's not a problem him being at the pub, but when you're having a conversation about your day and what you've been up to wouldn't you mention that you'd gone out? If not, then I think I have a serious problem.

I genuinely don’t think I’d need to mention it. I might say that I had, but I might not. I don’t think it would matter either way.