Would you find this irritating

[Witholdingthetruth]

I've been with my boyfriend for a couple of years. We both have kids and don't live together. We see each other most weekends. We text or speak every day.

We saw each other at the weekend, after a few hours I noticed he hadn't smoked so I asked him about it. He said he'd decided to give up. He's not a heavy smoker but this is good news. I asked if it was the first day and he said he started on Monday, 5 days before. So at no point during those 5 days did he think to tell me. I said I was really annoyed that he hadn't told me but he doesn't see why it's a big deal. I just find it weird that he hasn't bothered to tell me something important.

This isn't the first time he hasn't told me about things going on his life. Some have been more important, some have been less important. But we are in a committed relationship where we talk about the most menial of things so why not tell me about the more important things?

I agree with everyone else - re the smoking, he perhaps thought he'd see how it went / one day at a time and not put himself under pressure of 'failing' as he possibly thought he might if people knew.

I started going to the gym last year and didn't tell anyone, as I never thought I'd sustain it and didn't really want to set myself up to fail. I think that's pretty usual.

Re the pub - again, unless I wanted you to stop texting because I was focusing on my friends in front of me, I wouldn't necessarily feel the need to describe where I was to you. I quite often have a 'chat' with my adult dd or adult ds via text or whatsapp - our location doesn't come in to it that often.

I think this is your insecurity speaking as his behaviour seems very normal to me? It wold be weird if you asked him and he lied but from what you've said he sounds like me - I wouldn't think to mention the day to day things you've used as examples either. But if you asked I'd say yeah just down the pub etc.

If he's a nice guy who makes you happy the be careful not to push him away by being annoyed with him about stuff that is your issue and not his.

If you find it too hard to navigate normal boundaries at the moment then maybe you could look into a couple of counselling sessions to unravel it and discuss some coping mechanisms?

It may be that your expectations and boundaries simply aren't incompatible with his, or that you hadn't realised yours are quite extreme and you decide you'd like to work on them.

Either way I think it's worth you getting some support for, for you own benefit. Would be such a shame to let the ghost of a dickhead haunt your current / future relationships

So if I said what are you up to tonight, and the reply was not much and then the next day he said he'd been at the pub, you wouldn't find that odd?

I would think that your insecurity was already affecting your relationship. He's changing his behaviour in order to avoid your reactions.

Re the pub thing.
Again, I think you are reading too much in to it unless you were told an outright lie.
I know DP has texted me to see if I'm coming home for tea and I've replied that I am out with a friend and will be back later but won't want anything for tea. I wouldn't go into details and say I am in 'Spoons!
If it was a phone conversation may be but not necessarily when texting.

I really wouldn't think it was odd, no.

If I had said are you having a cosy night in and he hadn't mentioned it then I'd think it was a bit odd but he really was up to nothing much, just seeing a mate over a drink.

Sorry it sounds like I'm saying you're being unreasonable - you aren't in a mean or bad way but I think your expectations are out of the ordinary.

But it'd be a shame to let it get in the way of potentially lovely relationships so I would look into exploring it a little more maybe with some counselling - or even chatting to a mate or two about how they feel in this sort of situation

I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest. He's doing a good thing don't make it into a bad thing. It's not about you or your relationship.

It's almost impossible to make a judgment on this without more detail OP.

To him, being at the pub with his mates might be "not much", if he does it a lot. He might not be the type to chat. It could be your insecurity/paranoia over your previous relationship repeating itself.

Equally, he could be completely disinterested or a bit of a dick.

But with the details you've given, none of us have any clue which it is I'm afraid.

FWIW, I'd have mentioned being at the pub if you'd asked me what I was up to. But everyone is different.

Thank you @AFairlyHardAvocado, that's good advice.

For some people, going to the pub is “not doing much”.

I’d anything dodgy had gone on, surely he wouldn’t have told you the next day?

So if I said what are you up to tonight, and the reply was not much and then the next day he said he'd been at the pub, you wouldn't find that odd?

Not really - if you drop into the pub / go with mates for a drink on a fairly regular basis, then it isn't much
I'd probably have said the same in my pre-dc days - it's just a casual thing that is a 'non-event'. Not like '"Oh, I've got tickets for my fave band" or "I'm feeling a bit crap I'm going to bed early" which might be 'out of the ordinary' and worth a mention.

This seems to be about your insecurities.

So if I said what are you up to tonight, and the reply was not much and then the next day he said he'd been at the pub, you wouldn't find that odd?
By saying he wasn't doing much may include the pub. Sometimes if I have nothing planned I may go to the pub just for something to do,or it maybe he fancied going out for a pint an hour or so after you were texting and thought to himself 'why not?' Who knows but if I had someone that questioned why I hadn't told them I had nipped out for a pint and overly praised me for stopping smoking I would feel a bit hemmed in to be honest.

You're welcome

I think from reading your post again you might be framing the emotions you feel a little wrongly - you aren't finding it irritating I think you're finding it upsetting / unsettling / worrying.

I hope you can get it sorted

@AFairlyHardAvocado I think you've hit the nail on the head. It think it is worrying me more than irritating me due to my previous experience. I want to be in control because I had no control in my last relationship. And when he doesn't tell me things I feel out of control again.

But we are only ever in control of ourselves and what we do.
That is it.
You cannot control him, or the situation, only your reaction to it. (Abusive relationships excepted)
We like to feel we are in control of our lives, but there are so many things that we cannot control.
If you can accept this, so much the better.

OP you sound really anxious, which is completely understandable if you've had a relationship with a compulsive liar (been there!)

You can self-refer online for CBT in most NHS trust areas and I've found it really effective for helping with anxious thoughts and putting things in perspective.
www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/self-help-therapies/

I agree with PPs that the two examples you've given really don't merit such a level of worry on your part. I totally get him not telling anyone about giving up smoking - it adds other people's expectations to the burden of getting the monkey off his back.

As for going to the pub - that is "nothing much" to a lot of people.

I think the time to be concerned is when he lies/doesn't mention something that directly affects you. For example he suddenly announces he's going on holiday next week with his mates. Or he's invited his parents round for sunday dinner and you're cooking it. Or he's been doing overtime at work but actually has been on a date with another woman. Or he's broke, because someone stole his debit card, can you please pay for dinner - then it turns out he's actually spent all his cash on alcohol/drugs/gambling/sex.

On the face of what you've said in this thread, I really don't think you need to worry about this.

Anxiety is a bitch

I honestly don't think you need to worry. I'm with a similar guy OP, and our situation is the same as yours except he doesn't have kids. It's taken me a lot to realise that he's not deliberately omitting details and I have the same experience as you from a past relationship. I felt anxious, upset and annoyed that he maybe hadn't told me something that had happened a few days before, or where he was but through loads of heart to hearts with friends and serious soul searching on my own I've realised that I don't own him, and I totally echo what has been said about control in previous posts. I think accepting that this is actually ok and, dare I say, normal, has been a bit freeing for me as well as I was feeling the need to update him on every single thing going on in my life, when there was just no need. If asked directly, he will tell me and vice versa. Some things just come up in conversation when we see each other(or hes been waiting until he sees me) as well, which is actually nice as we have stuff to talk about when we see each other, rather than having nothing to talk about as we've been texting about every little detail.

At the end of the day I think it boiled down to learning to trust him, I no longer sit and wonder where he is, or where he's texting me from, or what he's up to, because I know that he's a solid decent guy and is totally committed to me. It's a nice feeling once you get past all that.

They say we lie lots of times in one day, so lying is natural. However, I couldn't cope with the lack of transparency. I hate people who lie or scoot around the truth for no real reason. It just shows they're natural born liars and winter hesitate to keep things from you.

It's not a matter of being in control. You are the sort of person who would mention those things and you want someone like yourself. I'm the same - I'd feel uneasy and think the other person was lying.

I imagine your bf would like someone who tells him everything, too; he just doesn't want to tell everything himself.

I'd say he's not suitable for you - you want someone completely different.