Dwindling Sexual attraction

[Princessleila86]

Have been with partner for around 4 years we are both in our 30’s and must admit the spark between us is really starting to struggle, We are down to having sex maybe 2 or 3 times a month and even then it feels a bit like a chore

We have both been guilty of becoming over comfortable with each other and getting bogged down by day to day life and routines we don’t have children but still have busy life’s with work , house chores , family , friends etc

We have talked about the struggling sex life and a few issues came to light the main one being he doesn’t think I make enough effort to be sexy anymore ….. I will admit I am very partial to a hot water bottle ,dressing gown and fluffy socks when I am able to chill out in the evenings, he said he doesn’t find this look particularly attractive

It sounds silly but I am not the most confident of women I have a very small bust and find I do struggle to be naturally “sexy”

I’m curious if anyone else has encountered similar issues or is dwindling sexual attraction brushed under the carpet in your household ?

What effort does he make?
That's what's happens as you get comfortable with each other but a dressing gown and slippers shouldn't really effect it. I suspect he's not making the effort too!

Having similar issues here too. We both just can't be bothered to make any effort to encourage each other to want to have sex! It's got worse since starting when I was pregnant and dh wouldn't have sex with me because he thought it was weird. Dd is nearly 3 now, we've had sex a hand full of times since she was born.

I am also more likely to wrap up warm and cosy, especially in the winter but I wonder if I've just got too sensible: I don't drink because I think about the calories or hangover and it puts me off; likewise I like the idea of sex but the following tiredness and mess puts me off! Probably if I could make myself have a few glasses of wine, I'd also end up having sex...

You both need to start making your sex life a priority. I’m nearly 60 and it sounds like you act & dress older than me!

to be fair he was always the one that would usually initiate sex especially in the first 18 months of our relationship

he is not a very affectionate in general though and doesn't really like cuddling me or stuff like that ( maybe a man thing ? )

i definitely noticed a big decline after around a year of living together which would tie in with my theory of same old routine and perhaps not making as much effort with each other

im just really confused at the moment because i feel like the general consensus makes out like we should constantly be at it like rabbits but in reality it just isn't going down like that

ive asked a few of my friends who are in long term relationships / marriages and after a bit of digging a few owned up to a waining sex life but were a bit embarrassed to admit it

i am really starting to wonder if this age of hyper connectivity has started to erode the old fashioned concept of a monogamous relationship

Genuinely don't think what you wear or what he wears should have anything to do with it. I've got an under active thyroid so am always freezing and in lots of fluffy layers. Doesn't stop DH jumping me or I him.

You aren't very clear whether it is you or your partner who is slowing things down here. I think that is an important thing to know.

Some of the things you are saying about monogamy suggest you may have reached the end of the line in this relationship. Poly or open relationships are only for a small number of people, for most who try it, it just ends the relationship.

My DP has explained that at times, what I wear is taken as a signal of intent, not that it is unattractive in itself. Dressing gown, big socks, hot water bottle and blanket don't signal that I'm looking for a hot night of passion really. If I'm dressed like that it is likely that DP isn't going to try his luck and if I'm interested I'm going to have to give him some obvious signals.

Do you want to have sex with him?

Bloody hell, if a bloke fancies you, he will want you in your smelly old dressing gown and elderly slippers. This man sounds like he has a low sex drive and is blaming it on your hot water bottles. If you want a bit more in the old orgasm department you might need to move on. This situation is not about you - this guy sounds like he has a performance problem and is blaming it on you, rather than addressing it. I would move on OP, he sounds like a bit of a misery that could stretch into many years of misery if you let him.

You need to make sex a priority, don't let it slip because you will regret it later. Years ago my DW and I agreed that we should not go longer than a week without - one of the best decisions we ever made, we are now in our early 60s, and still DTD at least once a week and usually more. And its more enjoyable than ever. We wouldn't have got to this point of we hadn't stuck to our agreement, and yes there have been times when it seemed a chore and it would have been easier to just go to sleep but looking back on it now I am certain we did the right thing. Sex is the glue in a relationship, it keeps you together when things get rough, I'm not sure we would have survived the bad times were it not for our insatiable sexual desire for each other.

So keep at it, you will be glad you did.

Could you wear sexy undies beneath the cosy dressing gown and give him the odd flash as you go about your snuggled up evening. Ask him to make an effort too though. Maybe a borat style leather mankini?

This was exactly what my DH and I were going through 18 months ago. I got into a rut of slobbing on the sofa every evening in my joggers with a book. I became lazy in terms of DTD and I think he gave up trying He is a lovely, considerate, very attractive man and I took him for granted.
I had a little bit of a wake up call and realised that I had to make much more of an effort. New hair do, dresses rather than joggers and a load of pretty undies. I started to feel attractive and desirable again. I know it sounds cliched but lots of very flirty texts when he is at work made me think more regularly about him in that way and built up his interest until he arrived home.
Without giving TMI after work time in our household is now very exciting.

Sex is the glue in a relationship

I absolutely disagree!!!!

The glue in a relationship is love, trust, mutual respect, the feeling that someone has got your back.

Everyone has patches were their sex life is a bit dry and enforcing a 'rule' that you must have sex once a week or you won't get through the rough parts of the relationship' is bullshit.

What is someone is feeling run down, unwell, too tired?

I'm in agreement with @MrsFeatherDuster. It is easy to fall into a comfortable routine and neglecting your love life. It doesn't mean you can't snuggle up in a dressing gown, but not all the time. I focus, especially on a weekend what I wear as well as lingerie. I also have some particular lingerie for bed with an intention to have fun when we go up, or even before......more risqué type stuff which always gets his interest up

Sex lives in a long term relationship need TLC or they easily die out. Variety is essential as well

Hot water bottle 😂😂😂 nothing wrong with that I'm a hot water bottle and dressing gown girl are you supposed to sit on the sofa watching gogglebox in an Ann Summers red bustier? 😂😂😉

Don't get me wrong I love my dressing gown and slippers but it does send out a message. My DH makes an effort for me. I love him in a suit but also in a nice white shirt and jeans and he is always a gentleman.
A lot of the stuff I do now to initiate is very cliched but it seems to work.
Men on the whole are very visual and black and white about things.
A hot water bottle suggests an evening of no action to them. A flash of stocking top when preparing tea suggests something else all together.
All cliches I know but I am certainly feeling the benefits.

@positivevibez

Of course you should not have a rigid rule, that's not what I meant, we do not count the days or diarise sex in advance, we just created circumstances in which our default position is not to refuse advances without giving the other one a reason. And thére is an understanding that both of us will have a happier and more sustainable relationship if we know sexual satisfaction will be forthcoming in the near future.

And I do believe that sex helped us stay together in the bad times - it's harder to be angry with someone when your're cuddling up in the afterglow, your other problems somehow seem less important. We have been together almost 30 years and our sex life is one of the key factors that has sustained our relationship.

GoldenZoe right?! 😂 Crikey if your desire for your partner is dependant on having to dress up that seems such a chore! My DH can't remember what im wearing if I stand I front of him most of the time. A fluffy dressing gown has never got in the way of us DTD, so if you think I'm going to spend my evening shivering in a dress with suspenders slipping into my arse crack you've got another thing coming 😂

Somewhereinbetween1. If your partner is interested no matter what you wear, lucky you. The OP was asking how she could rekindle things. I don't think it is about what you wear but rather creating an atmosphere where you are showing them that you desire them.
My DH always seemed interested but I believe he picked up on the signals that my joggers was given out- not bothered. These days I get myself in the mood by getting ready for him when he is at work knowing what is to come. I've become much more girly as I get older. It worked for me and it might for the OP.

thanks for the replies a lot of contrasting opinions

i think in every woman's ideal world your man should fancy you regardless of what your wearing / look like but in reality im not quite sure it works like that

as others have mentioned men seem to work on what they see as opposed to what they feel and from what ive learnt familiarity defenitley seems to erode desire / sexual attraction and that is something seemingly unavoidable in a long term relationship / marriage

i also suspect some men are probably more diplomatic around the issue than others and will tell you what you want to hear ,

mine is very straight and tells it how it is which to be honest i much prefer compared to some of the men i have dated in the past

my sisters partner for example wouldn't dare tell her how he really felt about their sex life and would just burry his head for a quiet life ......

he is not a very affectionate in general though and doesn't really like cuddling me or stuff like that

So if he was more affectionate without the expectation of sex would you feel more inclined to be intimate with him OP? Is this a case of cross wires where he doesn't do hugs or affection then is expecting sex where for you that lack of tactile affection makes you feel a bit distant from him physically and then sex becomes a chore, do you feel affection from him only when he wants sex? That could be off putting for some people.

Cuddles, hugs and affection are so crucial. If you are made to feel the most important person in their world it is likely that other thing will follow.
Visuals are so important for men but they are also for us women.
My DH was rebuilding a wall in the back garden last Sunday. I must have watched him for a good half hour from the kitchen window having daydreams. He was wet, muddy and in old gardening clothes but I was desperate for him. It also works the other way around..

as others have mentioned men seem to work on what they see as opposed to what they feel

Bit of an unfair generalisation there.

If my DW felt she had to dress in "sexy" clothing to attract my attention I would find it deeply embarrassing for me and humiliating for her - we are in a marriage not a porn movie. She is attractive to me whatever she is wearing, and even more so if she isn't wearing anything at all.

I don't think what you're wearing should make any difference. But you both need to make an effort and increase your emotional intimacy.

Set aside some 'special' time. Light some candles, put some nice music on, glass of wine, then get into bed together.
No expectation from either one that you will have PIV, so there's no disappointment. Then just kiss and cuddle and get intimate emotionally.
The sexual feelings will come.

our default position is not to refuse advances without giving the other one a reason this along with having a rule that you have to have sex weekly even if it seems like a chore sounds awful. And anyone has the right to refuse sex. I've had ex's who have pressured me into sex and I've done it to keep the peace/even though it felt like a chore, just gritted my teeth and made it through but it was awful. My current partner and I have some form of sex at least 3 times a week because he respects me and I don't feel pressured. Even with 3 under 5 it hasn't been a chore.

OP your last post is full of generalisations. If a man fancies you he fancies you. Doesn't matter what you wear. That may not be what you want to hear but attraction runs deeper than the exterior.