Thinking of leaving, am I mad thinking that he is being verbally/emotionally abuse?

[Darklesparkles]

Hi, I really need some advice. I have been married 6 years, together 11 years and have a 2 year old little boy.

I am so miserable at the moment in this marriage, I don't love my DH anymore but don't have the courage to leave. I think he might be emotionally abusive but I have no one to talk to. I'm to be quite honest ashamed to talk to my mother about some of the things he says. Example being while driving and I directed him wrongly in busy traffic, then tried to direct him the right way - "shut the f up you stupid f'in b*£&#". He has said far worse to me than that when angry and it feels it's becoming more common.

The last straw for me was at the weekend when he swore at me in front of our little boy and my little boy looked at me and went "bish" (you can imagine what be was trying to say) and laughed which just broke my heart. I don't want my little boy to learn that this is normal, because it isn't normal us it?

I told my DH that I wanted to leave, and he said I was nuts. Actually said that he thought I was having a breakdown and was going to ring my mother. Then he cried and tried to kiss me, got angry and left the room when I refused to engage. Came back in and said, you can't leave me you're my wife and you will always be my wife. If you ever meet anyone else, I will find them and put my fingers through their skull. He was really upset saying this, and I had just told him that I wanted to leave but it has really shook me.

Am I overthinking here? He keeps saying I'm overreacting to his behaviour, that I am too sensitive. He says that he knows he had been bad to me and will change. He has now been super nice to me all weekend.

Need some advice please. Thank you all so much.

No, you're not over thinking. He's verbally abusive and his threateningness and possessiveness were disturbing and controlling. Other posters will be able to help more than me, but no, you're not wrong. xxx

I agree, he is very disturbingly possessive of you and very verbally abusive. You need to follow through with separating for you and your son's sake. However take advice from women's aid on how to do this safely he sounds odd!

Thanks both for replying. I have moved into the spare room the last few nights while deciding what to do. I am so tired of walking on eggshells all the time. He keeps trying to say that I am too sensitive to everything and now when I've said about leaving he is now saying that he realises that he was wrong, won't do it again etc. I don't really believe him. He also does very little in terms of childcare with our little boy (won't change nappies, rarely feeds him, only plays with him). He is good with him though which makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave. He has looked after him all day, for the first time - to "show he can change". I think he will "change" for a while then revert. Plucking up courage to leave.

No, you are not too sensitive. Start keeping a note of the abuse, and start planning your escape. You can’t go on like that, for your ds sake if not your own.
Would your mum support you if she knew the truth?

You're right. He'll do all the 'right' things until he's convinced you won't go. Then he'll go right back to being him.

It's funny that he clearly knows what he should be doing and how he should treat you, but just chooses not to until you threaten to leave.

I'd say to leave for your own sanity but ultimately only you can make that decision

He's abusive, you and your child deserve better. Please talk to your mum, I bet she's well aware that things aren't right.
Keeping a note of the abuse is good advice. Speak to Women's Aid. You're right it won't get better and you're very vulnerable especially as you've stood up to him.

please do not speak to him about leaving.

it always amazes me when I read that women do this. but then I am not in that situation. do they not see how vulnerable it makes them; how dangerous it can be.
keep your powder dry. make preparations and flee asap.
contact womens' aid. could you go stay at yr mother's place. or any friend/ relative.
you know this violent speech could turn into violent blows. and yr child will be harmed by hearing such vile statements; the hatred is obvious, the tension/ terror is palpable.
don't let him know you are going. you know he is abusive. go when he's out. don't delay. the best is the enemy of the good, that is flee while you can, don't delay to gather everything, arrange things.
go, in one piece, then you can begin to arrange things, and things will improve, when you are in a place of safety.
let us know how you get on. good luck.

Clearly you aren't sensitive, he's just aggressive and abusive. He won't change and I think that you know that already. Please don't let your DS grow up in this environment.

Wait until he's at work or out for at least a few hours and just go! Get essentials only into a bag and get to a friend or relatives' house temporarily. Then call women's aid. They can arrange for you both to go into a Refuge. I promise you they're not awful. I've lived in one! They provide you with absolutely everything you'll need. Even toothbrush & toothpaste, underwear, toys, food - you name it. You'll be given either a self contained flat or rooms with your own kitchen & bathroom. They'll sort the financial side of it, it won't cost you much at all, if anything. Above all though - they're totally safe. Location is kept secret and they're fully secure. (I know you haven't mentioned any violence but it's still good to know)

Oh and Refuges always have a children's activity room with play staff who do all sorts with the children! Arts & crafts etc and there's computers and a little library. Then a communal room to socialise in and a communal tv.
There's always a nice garden too with play equipment in.
There's always Staff present who are well trained and will help you with everything & anything you need. They'll get you on the social housing waiting list (you're considered highest priority when in a Refuge), provide counselling, help with financial stuff, arrange for your remaining possessions to be collected from home and will put it into storage for you. They also bring in huge donation hampers for each of you, every week! Honestly, they're really great....

He is emotionally abusive. And he won’t change. It will only get increasingly worse in time, especially once he thinks you are comfortable and back under his control and thinking again you have decided against leaving him.

I am really so sorry you are going through this awful time and are being treated so badly while really vulnerable and with the responsibility of a young child.

Lundy Bancroft’s ‘why does he do that: inside the minds of angry and controlling men’ gave me understanding of the emotional abuse I was receiving and courage to leave my STBXH without any self doubt that I was doing the right thing. Please can I encourage you to read this book.

Here is the online version:

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

But IMO you’d be better off getting a paper copy I think where can you can skim over some chapters and mark the particular pages / paragraphs that are relevant to you.

I am only days away from leaving my emotionally abusive partner - moving out that is - with similarly a DD2 and another child due only weeks away.

Please confide in someone who can support you. You and your DC deserve so much more

Thank you so much all. Thanks for the pdf Pool bridge, it's been a bit of an eye opener this morning. He has just left for work, so I am packing a few things while LO sleeps. Will be thinking of you Poolbridge, this is scary but know need to do this for my son if noone else. Let me know how you get on.

If you think he is being abusive then he is. If you feel unsafe emotionally with him, if he yells at you in front of your child, if he is not loving and supportive, all these are red flags. Is it sudden? Does he seem to have changed? Or was he always like this and it's just got worse?

He was always like this LadyGooGaa but has gotten a lot worse in last three years. Am at my mum's at the moment and have told her everything, she is being so supportive and I know now I should have come to her years ago with this. DS and I am going to stay here with her for now but have no idea now what to do in terms of organising things. I have so many financial complications and am stressed about where to start but for tonight I am just happy that I'm at mum's. Thanks all again for your support, I needed it last night/this morning.

Well done for getting away.

You need to get legal advice as soon as you can regarding the divorce/separation: Rights of Women offer free family law advice. CABx website is a great place to start looking for information and they have links to lots of other organisations. They can give you a list of appropriate solicitors. Gingerbread is good for starting life as a Single Parent. I would get in contact with Women's Aid for support moving forward.

So glad your mum is supporting you. You’re doing absolutely the right thing x

I am really glad you have confided in and have the support of your Mum. It takes courage and inner resilience to do what you have done - and to continue to see it through - but I am sure, and I hope, that you know it is the right thing to do.

As you have well highlighted, to have your children bear witness to one parent abusing the other - is not right (amongst everything else that isn't right), and sets a poor example to them for the proper example of how to communicate and be in relationships in the future. It is also so harmful to their wellbeing and development generally.

One thing on further reflection that has me worried for you - especially now that you have taken the first step of moving out - is your partner's comment to you: '...you can't leave me you're my wife and you will always be my wife. If you ever meet anyone else, I will find them and put my fingers through their skull.'

It speaks of a possessiveness towards you - and concerns me about his potential of causing physical harm to your and your DS. Please follow your instincts here and take care in the coming weeks and months ahead. If anymore is said or done - or you otherwise just generally are worried about risks to you both, or even your DM, please immediately seek out help - speaking to police, Women's Aid etc.

Women and their children are generally most at danger from harm from their partners when they leave - especially when men realise they have lost control and can't influence them anymore. While I understand it is usually a small % of men who progress from emotional abuse to taking the step of doing physical harm, I do think you can never quite be sure if your previous partner might be one of those men.

In my case, it has taken me 9 years since the emotional abuse first started to finally get out (after 2 previous failed attempts to leave and promises everything would be different once I return - it was shortly lived), and now I wish I had only made the decision sooner.

I admire your courage in taking this first step. Keep strong.

I’ll add my voice to the don’t go back chorus. He may be very persuasive, but don’t believe him.

Or he might not bother with persuasion. Good luck.

If you don't get out of there in a few years your little one will be speaking like that to you too.

Do it today.

Get rid of that nasty man.

I did and I promise you that it's wonderful.

Well done for getting away its the right thing to do. You cant be with someone who is abusive and he will not change. Get as much support and advice as you can and take things one step at a time so you are not overwhelmed by all you need to do. Good luck

You’re not being sensitive. He’s a monster. You need to take yourself and child away from his influence. Don’t be embarrassed to speak to your mum. You have done nothing wrong.

Well done on getting some space OP.
Yes it's abuse. Yes he's horrible. Yes you need to protect your DS from this.
Again.. well done on getting away and telling your mum.
You are NOT over reacting. You are NOT over sensitive.

The is you and how you feel. He cannot just brush that aside because he doesn't like you challenging his abusive behaviour.
He's a fucking asshole!

you can't leave me you're my wife and you will always be my wife
It's called divorce and millions of people divorce and so can you.
When divorced, you will NOT be his wife anymore.
That is a fact. He cannot just ignore facts for his own ends.

Jeez, he's such a bellend.

So now to be practical.
You have a lot of things to sort through.
Take your time and take baby steps.
For today just make a list.
Just the list and nothing else.
Tomorrow put the list into an order of priorities.
Number them.
Then the day after do one thing from the list.
Then have a day off.
Then the day after that do another thing from the list, etc... etc...

You have a lot to deal with and get your head around right now.
So take your time.
Be kind to yourself.
Keep leaning on your mum.
I would definitely want to be there in any way possible if my DD was going through what you are so I'm really glad you reached out to her.

@Darklesparkles Hi are you ok OP? Has he contacted you? Happy to pm

Hi all, thanks all again for your support.

He has contacted me now to say that he is so sorry, he has been thinking about it all week. He has been in mental torment about how 'mean' he has been to me. ha! He is in mental torment! Sorry I actually laughed when he said that and said how about three fucking years for me. He started to cry when I said that. I am so angry now but am getting wobbly. He says he will change that he didn't realise he was hurting me, that he is so so sorry. That he will never do it again, that he needs to learn, that he was stupid.
Can he change? I am wobbling ladies to be honest. He seemed incredibly sincere, I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. At the same time I don't trust him. I think if I go back he will be 'good" for what, 6 months, then revert. My head is a mess at the minute, don't know what to do. His mum in law phoned, to try and persuade me to give it another go. I told her he was verbally abusive and gave examples and I think she was shocked. But then ultimately said that she loved me as a DIL and he was a bollocks but could I not give him another chance etc for DS, as said he had been distraught and crying to her. I asked her, what did he say to you? She said that he had been 'mean' to me and 'treated me bad' and that I was leaving him.

Phew, sorry for essay ladies. I am a but confused and angry now to be honest. Head all over the place. Don't know if he's being genuinely sorry and can change, is that even possible?

Sorry for typos (on mobile).