Thinking of leaving, am I mad thinking that he is being verbally/emotionally abuse?

[Darklesparkles]

Hi, I really need some advice. I have been married 6 years, together 11 years and have a 2 year old little boy.

I am so miserable at the moment in this marriage, I don't love my DH anymore but don't have the courage to leave. I think he might be emotionally abusive but I have no one to talk to. I'm to be quite honest ashamed to talk to my mother about some of the things he says. Example being while driving and I directed him wrongly in busy traffic, then tried to direct him the right way - "shut the f up you stupid f'in b*£&#". He has said far worse to me than that when angry and it feels it's becoming more common.

The last straw for me was at the weekend when he swore at me in front of our little boy and my little boy looked at me and went "bish" (you can imagine what be was trying to say) and laughed which just broke my heart. I don't want my little boy to learn that this is normal, because it isn't normal us it?

I told my DH that I wanted to leave, and he said I was nuts. Actually said that he thought I was having a breakdown and was going to ring my mother. Then he cried and tried to kiss me, got angry and left the room when I refused to engage. Came back in and said, you can't leave me you're my wife and you will always be my wife. If you ever meet anyone else, I will find them and put my fingers through their skull. He was really upset saying this, and I had just told him that I wanted to leave but it has really shook me.

Am I overthinking here? He keeps saying I'm overreacting to his behaviour, that I am too sensitive. He says that he knows he had been bad to me and will change. He has now been super nice to me all weekend.

Need some advice please. Thank you all so much.

He won't change. Well he might to begin with, but then the behaviour creeps back. But this time he knows you'll back down from calling him out on it.

Have a read through some of the posts on the relationship board. Literally every single woman in the same position as you has had the same thing said to them.

It's funny that he clearly knows what he should be doing and how he should treat you, but just chooses not to until you threaten to leave.

This was a perfect summation for me.

Don't 'give him another chance for DS'. You should absolutely stay away from him for your DS. Your son deserves better than growing up watching his abusive prick of a father treating his mother like that.
I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to not go back, but please try not to. If someone had been treating your DS like this would you want him to go back to them?

Do not go back. He may be nice for a while but it will creep back because he has you where he wants you. You will be further under his control and it will be harder to leave.
Of course he knew he was hurting you. A good husband would no way treat you like that. Ever!! Please listen tho those posters who know exactly what you are going through. Do you want that behaviour as a model for your son,

I have recently been through this. I felt exactly the same as you. It took me a long time to leave, but I did it.

I suggest you give women's aid a call. They are expertly trained in domestic abuse. I was convinced I was being dramatic, but they did a risk assessment and helped me see the abuse I was suffering. They then helped me leave. I can imagine OP that this man is probably abusing you in other ways that you haven't even realised yet.

It sounds like emotional abuse to me, and to be so aggressive towards you in front of your child is considered abusive too. Your child will suffer and it's not right or fair.

I hope you're ok OP.

And no, he won't change.

Please please please phone women's aid.

You are completely right to want to leave. It sounds like you have lost sight of who you are ( which is exactly what you abiding husband wants). You are being treated terribly not have been taught to over rude your feelings. It’s not your fault, it’s what abuse does to people.

Of you can’t do it for yourself do it for your little boy. Let him see what a happy home is like.

I know embarrassing, but start talking to your mum about this ( can she put you up?).

He says he will change that he didn't realise he was hurting me

But he did know because you told him and he said you were too sensitive. He chose to ignore your feelings and do it anyway.

He will do it again. But more slowly this time, so if you do take him back (I really hope you don't!) be careful. He'll go for your self esteem next, to bring your confidence down so low, you won't speak up next time.

Start to keep a
Diary OP . As when it’s happening you can’t believe it . Keep an excel log or something and log every incident and your feeling and MH

As time goes on you will see the pattern

Honestly love it took me far too long to do what was needed. But that life as well ya scary and daunting

Keep a Diary and read up about stuff

Start to get ready and informed

Darklesparkles,

Do not waiver at all here. He has all too clearly shown you what he is like and going back to him will put you (and in turn your son) in for yet more of the same.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships?. Your boy needs to learn as do you that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Going back to his abuser dad will not teach him that valuable lesson.

Abusive people like this do not change and this man felt entitled to act like this (my guess is that his own father is an abuser too). His mother's words re giving her son another chance for DS should be ignored; the only part she got right there apart from loving you as a DIL is that her son is a bollocks. BTW are MIL and FIL still together?.

Update.

I took DS to see him and MIL/FIL, he has literally just begged on his knees for me to give him another chance. Admits he knew what he did was wrong, says he never wants to hurt me again. Said he loves me and if I want to leave that he will always love me but wants me to be happy even if it's not with him.

I asked him to go to therapy, he said no because it would go on record and make him look nuts. I pushed it and he said would I go to marital counselling with him to get an external opinion and if they said he needed therapy then he would go.

Opinions ladies, I am wobbling here. He seemed very sincere and genuine. Said he hadn't realised the impact of his actions, that his parents act the same and he just didn't think or see how badly it was affecting me. That he doesn't want to lose me. I am just exhaustedly tbh.

Maybe outing myself here, but in orse for him to see DS and me to go with DS, iyswim, I will be obliged to stay in same house with him as DM lives over 2 hrs away. He had already made up the spare bed for me last night and begged me to come back next week with DS, even if him and I had little interaction.

Don't know what to think now. He says that the scales have also fallen from his eyes and he sees that he's been an immature hurtful bastard that has taken me and DS for granted (his words not mine). Can he change if he really wants to? I have never seen him this upset.

Sorry again for long post and thanks again for all your support

Oh bless you, no wonder you have the wobbles, but honestly? Stay at your mum's for the time being. Leave it another week and then think things over again.

I am still here in house with him. He is currently being a "model father" to DS while I am working in the other room. He said he would give me as much space as I wanted. He is being almost creepily nice.

Am going back to DM this evening, which he made no comment about other than asking could I please come back with DS next Fri evening. Said spare bed would be ready for me, said I could interact as little with him as I wanted. Said again that he knows now that he has hurt me terribly and will be ashamed of that for rest of his life whether we divorce or not. Accepts that I have left him and that we are "separated".

I am feeling a bit lost.

Hi OP if you read many threads on here its well know that joint counselling is never advised in an abusive relationship. By all means let him get counselling alone. But this type of behaviour is deeply ingrained and can take years if not ever to change.

He's playing the script. They all cry, beg, plea and seem so convinced they will change. I think they believe it themselves when they say it but in reality it always reverts back.

Its only been less than a week. In your shoes I would continue to stay with your mum. Tell him to do the journey to see his son at your mums. You've barely had time to reflect and relax without his presence. Give yourself at least a few months. Tell him you need space and time, Nurture yourself, read up on the many threads here on the relationships board to see how many similar situations to yours there are.

I’m so sad for you

I was with a guy like this for four years
He broke my nose and threw things at my head
But it started with calling me a fucking Bitch etc and verbally abusing me - I’ll bet he says things like ‘you’re the only person for me’ and makes you feel very special too? That’s the main problem and it’s how they hang on to us- I bet you’re a really a empathetic person and help him through his mental problems

How dare he treat you like that and in front of your innocent child - if I had a baby with my ex I’d be in your situation now

Please please leave him
They never change

OP, abusers don't change. They don't change. They don't change.

He is manipulating you to go back to him and I guarantee he will punish you for daring to leave. He is following the Cycle of Abuse. Please look it up.

He will promise anything to you in order to get you back under control. The catalyst for you leaving was your tiny child, looking up at you and calling you a Bitch because that's what he hears daddy call his mummy. He is already influencing your children and they are learning how to treat you badly.

Please don't go back to him. Please get some support and get away from him. I promise you it will get worse if you go back.

Do not enter into any form of counselling with him because he is abusive. He is abusive. Don't take your children back into that abusive environment, they deserve better.

Please get in contact with Women's Aid.

Do not give him another chance. He is manipulating you. He is pretending that the reason he wants you back is because he lives you and is sorry. But remember- he has foolishly already shown the real him by telling you his real reason that you should stay with him - because you're 'his wife'. His property. Nuts and unstable for thinking you can leave. This man is vile, abusive and potentially dangerous. Don't let him ruin your and your child's life.

Don't wobble. A man who can say those things to his wife can't suddenly turn into a decent and caring husband.

Right at the beginning of your OP, you said that you don't love him any more. So why would you go continue this marriage? Feeling sorry for someone isn't the same as loving them. Your husband won't be able to keep up this new front for more than a couple of weeks, I guarantee it. Your son does not need a role model like this.

That's the thing, I don't love him but I did once and seeing how good he is with DS today is making me wobble. But I have to tell myself that this is "normal" i.e. he can be good but then a month later is horrible again and then good then horrible. Part of me maybe hopes that he can be "saved"?

My mother always said that I want to help people, maybe that's why I am finding it so bloody hard to let go inside.

He is being so kind and nice today, he can be like this. If he was like this all the time he's be perfect. But he's not perfect. How can someone who calls his wife a stupid fucking bitch and selfish fucking bitch Infront of their 2 year old ever be normal.

He said again he wouldn't go for individual counselling, only joint couples. Because "we need to try". I said there is no we, it is you that needs help.

Deep breaths. I am exhausted.

Thank you all again so much, I appreciate your support more than you'll all ever know.

He can't be saved. There is no saving someone abusive. He doesn't think hes' doing anything wrong because, if he did have self awareness, he wouldn't be abusive.

Don't get sucked back in. Don't bring your children up in an environment where name calling is normal. They will go on to form poor relationships or to abuse their partners. Can you imagine your son calling his wife a bitch and a cunt? That is what he is learning at home.

This is the honeymoon phase of the Cycle of Abuse and it won't last. He is already thinking of ways to punish you once he has his feet back under the table. Please make plans to leave.

Because "we need to try". I said there is no we, it is you that needs help.

Exactly. He is trying to trick you into thinking you are equally responsible for his behaviour. But you're not. In any case, 'help' may well not improve him. This is clearly who he is.

Lots of people giving good advice to keep a diary or log, but please don’t do this anywhere he can find it. You could email an address he doesn’t know and then delete from your sent items. Or write in a notebook at your mums.

Hi op , reading with interest. I wobbled 2 or 3 times and I went back, eventually leaving as my stepson was starting to emulate his dad's behaviour and I realised that ds would go the same way ( he was 3 at the time ) .
You need to give it more time as i wish I had- soon he will ' turn " again to anger when you don't fall for his lies - then you'll see the real him.
I'd advise going to see a solicitor for a quick chat about the practicalities of divorce. You don't need to tell anyone or act on it right away , but it's a little bit of prior knowledge for yourself.

And a big well done for getting away and confiding in your mum.

Why do you need to take your DS to him?

Why doesn't he come to you?