How can I get toxic sister to leave me alone?

[Nomintrude]

Long story short, my sister is extremely jealous of me and fluctuates between occasionally being pleasant, and the rest of the time barely tolerating me. Whenever she's around (family occasions etc) it really gets me down because she just gives me the cold shoulder and sends out the vibe that she doesn't like me. This makes me feel ill at ease and like I can't relax and be myself because it will trigger her jealousy and resentment. She takes the slightest opportunity to go nuclear at me, always presenting herself as the victim, and sends texts make me feel like shit basically implying that I'm a terrible person. I spoke to her a bit impatiently at an event this weekend (which I shouldn't have done but it was definitely minor), and she sent me a text saying that I'd spoken to her with hatred, contempt and disgust. It was literally just me being momentarily grumpy.
Is there any way at all that I can put boundaries in place without causing more drama? She doesn't do the texting thing as much anymore because I walk on eggshells around her, but it's always there under the surface. On one previous occasion she threatened to use 'the fullest extent of the law and social services' to be able to see her nephew, my son, purely because she hadn't spoken to me for months and then out of the blue expected me to drop my son off at our parents' so she could see him, which I didn't do (nor did I say she couldn't see him in general however, and the thought hadn't actually crossed my mind.)

I'm actually wondering if sending a message saying that I will consider any further contact of this type as harrassment, because I don't want to deal with it anymore, it's so stressful and horrible getting messages like this and sends me into a spin emotionally. It's not nice feeling like no matter what I do my sister basically can't stand me, especially when she positions herself as the victim in such an extreme way that I start to question everything about myself.

She clearly has MH issues and she obviously has no legal right to see her nephew. Definitely time for NC apart from unavoidable family events (and you shouldn't care what that sort of person thinks of you!)

Learn some stock phrases and keep her at a distance. That's all you can do here.

You: 'Hi'
Her: Don't look at me like that, who do you think you are??!!!!!!
You: Well, glad you're well. There's Uncle Philip.

She doesn't like you getting any attention, so just move on and keep away from her. Work out strategies so you can escape easily when she tries to corner you to cause drama.

She has no right at all, to see your child and the police will give her short shrift.

It's really hurtful I know but there's nothing you can do but manage the situation.

Do you think I could send a message saying that if she sends any more of this type of message I'll take it further? Or is there nothing I can really do?

You're just feeding into her drama, she obviously thrives on it.

There are a couple of routes you can take legally if there is harassment or physical threat but, I really wouldn't go there just yet. I put people I don't want to speak to on 'divert' - it means they can still contact me but their calls go straight to voice mail so I don't have to speak to them. I block people I don't want to to see on my phone and social media. I want my life as peaceful as possible so I keep away from drama.

Don't bother with her. If she ups the ante and starts to physically threaten you or bombard you with calls then speak to the police or a DV orgnisation (because Domestic Abuse includes family members, not just intimate partners) but, I doubt it will get to the stage.

Be polite, avoid, manage.

If you decide you want to go no contact with her, you can send a clear message to her that asks her to no longer contact you. If she continues to do so after that, this constitutes harassment and you can involve the police. But you have to be totally no contact and not engage with any contact she makes with you.

@EmmaOvary I'm not sure if I can go no contact due to family - we'll still see each other at things like Christmas. It's my wedding next year and I feel I really have to invite her to that, too. I really don't want to ever get another nasty message from her though, I just feel it affects me really badly and there's no way anything good can come out of it as she's made up her mind about me - it's not the kind of falling out where you talk it over and sort things out. The best I can hope for is a peaceful truce where we agree to leave each other alone but not cause any distress within the family. Easier said than done though.

She sounds exactly like my dad . He would be like this but be really off and unwelcoming . The whole family walking on eggshells to not upset him . If occasionally you didn't bow down to his behaviour he would send me nasty messages and then be the victim somehow inventing something I've said or done years ago . It's exhausting not very pleasant and toxic . I'm nc now even that hadn't changed his behaviour because now he's even more the victim.
I'd go low or even nc , she won't change but at least you won't have to see her .

Just tell her how she’s making you feel - Next time she texts you a load of waffle respond by saying don’t speak to me if your going to be like this, I’ve done nothing wrong and I’m sick of walking on eggshells around you incase you take offence to something I say and point out it’s her who speaks to you like shit.

And I wouldn’t text her again, if she replies I’d just ignore it. You don’t need that in your life.

You need someone to manage her at the wedding. They need to keep her away from you throughout the day and if she kicks off, discreetly move her outside. A handful of friends keep her occupied and divert her if they see her making a beeline for you. A polite hello when you see her and then, you're very, very busy and occupied for the rest of the day.

Block her number if you don't want to receive anymore messages and don't let her in, if she turns up at your home. You're simply not at home. At family gatherings, polite hello, then move away ignoring all baiting. Strategise, something or other is going on so you may have to leave early, so if she kicks off and you can't manage it, you have a polite excuse to leave.

What about a message like:
"I'm sorry you feel like that, I honestly don't think a brief moment of impatience is something most people would call hatred, contempt and disgust. I apologise for being grumpy, anyway. Maybe it's time we both accepted that this is never going to be a positive relationship for us. Can we agree to live and let live, and just be polite to each other at family occasions? I really don't want to receive messages like this again, so please respect this request: for no further unpleasant messages or malicious communications about or to me. Thank you. "

I'm with the ignoring camp.

I've got a sister a bit like this. E.g. she'll take a particular word or phrase in violent dislike and if you use it, she will literally bare her teeth at you as she snarls at you not to use it. I'm talking about using the phrase 'oh love', in sympathy and compassion for example. Hardly contentious. If you inadvertently use it again, she will threaten you with physical violence. Last family gathering, this happened, and I laughed and said, 'oh, is that today's phrase is it? Okay.' Got up, walked away, and interacted with anyone but her for the rest of the evening.

I have not responded to her facebook friend invite - no way am I putting my hand in that blender.

She doesn't have my phone number, because I refuse to open myself up to drunken ramblings at fuck of the clock. Could you block her number?

You're obviously not ready to disengage and are hoping this is going to get better. Send her the message. She won't be understanding and next time you see her, she has an excuse to ramp it up and make a scene. Happy Christmas.

She does "martyr beast" very well

@12345kbm I'm not sure I understand the tone of your message?

I get it. I think she means that this will continue until you are ready to disengage.

No clever response will ever make her see that you have a point.

The only "language" that gets through to these types is silence, avoidance, non-reaction.

Any response no matter how clever will just give her a platform for drama.

Drop the rope.

When you can shrug over telling you how awful you are, then only then, she has lost her power.

While you defend yourself, she has you on the hook.

Block her on your phone and SM then when she sends nasty messages so much easier to ignore them...

Be civil and polite at family gatherings and kill her with kindness...

What does the rest of her family think about her antics? Because I'd be thinking about telling my parents that if she doesn't cease and desist, then she will not be invited to my wedding, because of the very high probability she'd cause a scene, and myself considerable distress, which I'm not prepared to risk on my wedding day. (And telling her the same thing).

I think totally ignore all ridic texts. And agree with pp that she should be "monitored" at your wedding.
Stop walking on egg shells. It isnt helping and making you wracked with nerves. She is bullying you. Hopefully, ignoring her and holding your ground will shock her into more tolerable behaviour.

I've sent her the message and blocked. I just don't want to deal with her anymore.

@mbosnz they know what she's like and agree it's not nice but that's as far as it goes. She does have mental health problems so I think they just try and get on with her with the minimum of drama.

I understand that you are upset and there is no 'tone' intended. I'm trying to help. My family is riddled with personality disorders and this is the way I manage them - successfully.

You sending messages to your sister is simply keeping this toxic mess going. It doesn't matter what you say to her, she will use it as an excuse to cause a scene the next time you see her. If you want to continue, then be my guest but you asked for help on this.

It's really, really hard to let someone go and I understand that but if you want to put a stop to this, you need to learn to manage it. Unless you want to go NC which I understand is difficult if you want to maintain a relationship with the rest of your family.

By all means send the message but I can tell you from experience, that it won't work and will just give her an excuse to cause more drama.

I see I'm too late. Well done for blocking her though.

You just have to block and disengage. Any engagement just fuels the drama. I've been no contact with my family for 3 year now because of this type of shite. My Dad loved to give the silent treatment and everyone tiptoes around on eggshells for him and my sister loves to play victim, lots of vague, passive aggressive woe is me facebook statuses and long letters and texts about how hurt and badly treated she is, dredging up non incidents from childhood etc.

You can either join them down the rabbit hole or walk away.

I understand them just wanting everyone to get along, but they are then effectively asking you to accept her ongoing verbal and emotional abuse. That's not okay.

With reference to your wedding day, I think you really do need to talk with them very frankly about your sister, and her possible, if not probable behaviour on the one day you should be able to enjoy it without her kicking off, and how this is to be managed.

@12345kbm thank you, I see what you mean. Maybe it would have been better not to send it but I wanted to make things clear. I know she won't change but I've stated that I don't want to receive messages like this, in the hope that she will just leave me alone rather than risk losing her perceived moral high ground. She may have borderline personality disorder btw but this has never been officially diagnosed. It's a relief that she can't send me that kind of stuff anymore, and I'm moving house soon so she won't know where I am. Just need to add a Facebook and email block and I should get some peace! It just feels so horrible opening a message like that.