How can I get toxic sister to leave me alone?

[Nomintrude]

Long story short, my sister is extremely jealous of me and fluctuates between occasionally being pleasant, and the rest of the time barely tolerating me. Whenever she's around (family occasions etc) it really gets me down because she just gives me the cold shoulder and sends out the vibe that she doesn't like me. This makes me feel ill at ease and like I can't relax and be myself because it will trigger her jealousy and resentment. She takes the slightest opportunity to go nuclear at me, always presenting herself as the victim, and sends texts make me feel like shit basically implying that I'm a terrible person. I spoke to her a bit impatiently at an event this weekend (which I shouldn't have done but it was definitely minor), and she sent me a text saying that I'd spoken to her with hatred, contempt and disgust. It was literally just me being momentarily grumpy.
Is there any way at all that I can put boundaries in place without causing more drama? She doesn't do the texting thing as much anymore because I walk on eggshells around her, but it's always there under the surface. On one previous occasion she threatened to use 'the fullest extent of the law and social services' to be able to see her nephew, my son, purely because she hadn't spoken to me for months and then out of the blue expected me to drop my son off at our parents' so she could see him, which I didn't do (nor did I say she couldn't see him in general however, and the thought hadn't actually crossed my mind.)

I'm actually wondering if sending a message saying that I will consider any further contact of this type as harrassment, because I don't want to deal with it anymore, it's so stressful and horrible getting messages like this and sends me into a spin emotionally. It's not nice feeling like no matter what I do my sister basically can't stand me, especially when she positions herself as the victim in such an extreme way that I start to question everything about myself.

You may have to prepare for other family members to distance themselves from you though. My Mum and brother don't really contact me anymore. I know they agree that my Dad and sisters behaviour is wrong but they don't want/know how to challenge it. Me challenging makes them uncomfortable, because we don't challenge right? We play the game, walk on eggshells, avoid the wrath. My decision to say I'm done with the bullshit forces them to either confront it and challenge them themselves (they can't face that) or the easier option is to disassociate themselves from me.

I get it. I'm sorry you're going through it as I know how hard it is. Get some support for yourself as it's very difficult to deal with these awful family relationships. It's really hard. Try and stay strong as she's not going to change. Ultimately she has to get support for herself, it's not ok for her to treat you like this.

You can come up with some strategies for next time you see her as she will kick off now. It's a good excuse to practise the new you. All cool and unphased.

Thank you. Any tips on how to handle things like Christmas? Just be pleasant?

Super pleasant, be ultra "nice".

If you have to see her then just be polite. Say Hello, goodbye, would you like a drink, thank you etc. But I wouldn't offer anything else so no "lovely to see you" or "how are things with you" etc. If she asks you questions/starts conversation answer politely and draw a nearby person into the conversation so you don't have to engage one to one.

You need to strategise. It's hard work but there you go. So you're going to Aunty Margs for Christmas drinks.

A. What's the excuse we can use if we need to leave in a hurry? This is an emergency if you're upset with her behaviour as it's early days and you haven't yet learned to brush it off.

B. Stock phrases. Keep it polite and vague.
You: 'How are you?'
Her: Received your message you (insert expletive here). I'm going to knife you good and proper (she's a Dickensian character).
You: That's nice. Well, glad things are going well for you. I must get another one of those lovely mince pies/another drink/speak to Aunty Marg...(You wander off)

She will try to get a reaction. Other stock phrases: Sorry that upset you. Mince pie? (wander off to never return). Be polite and evasive.
Her: Heard you moved, imagine not telling your sister???!!!
You: Didn't I? I'm sure I did...another mince pie? (people will be more curious about your obsession with mince pies so it also acts as a diversionary tactic).

Emergency plan is activated if she really won't let it drop or if you're feeling particularly emotional or vulnerable. 'You remember we said that the catch on the window wasn't working properly, Aunt Marg? Well, that was the neighbour and it seems as though there are some sly looking chaps creeping around and we have to go.'

'We've had such a long day doing such and such and Baz really is very tired and we have to go. Lovely to see you.'

The aim really is to avoid drama and arguing as it's just upsetting for everyone. If you remain polite and vague then she doesn't have anything to create a scene about.

@Nomintrude just walk away. Me and my sister had a huge argument about 2/3 years ago and I’ve haven’t spoken to her since. We 14 years apart and have nothing in common never really got on tbh. I feel so much better getting rid of her I never needed her and still to this day I don’t. If someone is toxic no matter if they are family or not walk away. My dad keeps saying talk to her but he don’t get it everyone in the family are two faced but when I say something to there face I’m the bad lol.. I’m the wolf the black sheep of the family. Where as they are all sheep 🤣🤣🤣

Give everything she says and does a positive interpretation if you're forced to outwardly give any interpretation at all. So, a slight tweak on super pleasant. I wouldn't over do it, but when put in the position of having to respond, remember that your upset and your sense of injustice is what she gets off on. So channel a fake sense of her having done right by you and her having said something positive.

It is extremely hard. I do this with my x. He hates it though, because he knows he doesn't have me on the hook anymore.

And don’t allow other family members to tell her your new address! No nonsense if she pleads for Christmas card sending etc, utter hard face cow refusal to allow it. You’re her ‘easy outlet’, so if she does find out a way to contact you, ignore unless there are threats to your safety, in which case report to 101.

Do you have to spend Christmas with her? I never spend Christmas with my toxic ones. It would spoil Christmas for me: I'd not enjoy the run up, I'd be constantly worried, the day would be anxiety-ridden and they'd do something bad at some point then afterwards I'd be running things over in my mind for days. I won't do it. I want a nice Christmas. Don't you?

@TowelNumber42 I don't have to spend the whole of Christmas with her as I think she's only coming for part of the time. But I'd be disappointed to miss out on spending time with the rest of my family.
My mum has told me that my sister 'has been having health problems for a while' and suggested I 'give her a break'. Sister had asked her not to tell me so I feel she shouldn't have really. No idea what the health problems are.

It sounds like you have been asked to give your sister 'a break' for most of your lives. Health problems aren't a get out of jail free card for being abusive towards other people. You aren't required to be anybody's punching bag, even if you are related to them.

You're the easy option for your parents. However, they actually have a duty of care and loyalty to you, as well, as their daughter.

You are going to have to speak to whoever is hosting Christmas about the situation. I assume it is your mother.

Depending on the circumstances, just don’t be there when she turns up. If it is for a few hours then go out for a long walk. Basically you can’t do the lunch thing together. If that is the case, you need to make new plans. Otherwise there will be an event at the lunch. That will spoil it for everyone.

The bottom line is that this is her behaviour and it won’t change. You are not willing to accept it any longer. You said so in your message. That means you need to exclude her from your life. Because she can’t control her behaviour, no matter how many texts you send.

You need to come to terms with the fact that this is who she is. That you can’t accept it anymore and that’s why you cant be in her company.

Argh just had a message from my dad saying how disappointed he is! Ffs. I've blocked him now as well. Stupid guilt-tripping bollocks.

Sympathies, OP. Very similar situation with my sister, with ‘secret’ mental health problems that we were not supposed to know about. Very manipulating. Block any SM, cut down on visiting. At family get-togethers be pleasantly polite but no more. Don’t get left alone with them.

Rather than blocking him, I'd have replied saying how disappointed I am in his lack of care and support, that I am just as much his daughter, and I have a right to live my life free from harassment and abuse. That I know this is a difficult situation for him and DM, that there are allegedly health issues (how vague? Is there an official diagnosis? Or is this a very convenient 'out' for them all?), however, there comes a point where it is unreasonable to ask or expect someone to take persistent and consistent abuse. And she's well past it.

You don't have to put up with shit just because you're related to them.

If they bring no positivity to your life then I'd suggest getting rid and having limited to no contact. It will be hard, but in the long run it's better than living in constant misery.

This is tough OP. I have similar sibling issues. The one thing I find is that the people who are rude and mean do so in a way to provoke a response so they can be the victim and you look like the bad guy. My advice is to limit contact as much as you can. Don't respond to any message if it is written in an antagonising or aggressive way. When you are thrown together spend as much time as possible avoiding her. If you feel she is starting to act out towards you find an excuse and leave the conversation. As others have said she likely has MH issues and I doubt this situation will be resolved. It definitely won't be helped by you confronting her. All that will happen is she will end up venting her spleen on you and you will come out of it worse off that if you had ignored her. It's a hard thing to come to terms with but you may have to go NC as much as possible.

I have a brother who sounds similar. DO NOT send a message, just be polite at all times and keep your distance as much as you can. Spend as little time as possible with them. I wouldn't let your son be with her on his own either, who knows what poison she'll drip in his ears.

Goodness knows what happens to make them turn like this, it's very sad but everything you write, say or do will be twisted round to hurt you in some way or other.

Ignoring her isn't really going to make things better. Boundaries is about what you are willing to put up with but also asserting yourself with a clear point to your own veiw and feelings.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. However, I feel I can't be myself around you without being made to feel like I have done something wrong nor do I feel valued. I dont like how you treat me! I would like to have a good relationship with you but how I feel is just as important as your feelings, so how I feel right now is........ therefore I need to take a step back. I hope you will understand that I need to protect myself and therefore I will be setting my own boundaries that will suit me."

@mbosnz reply to your dad is good.
Saying your disappointed in him for his lack of support to you his other daughter.

Re Xmas, smile at her, say hello. Then no one can say you ignored her. Say you like her bag/ outfit so you were polite. Compliment a gift she bought someone. Then nothing else, don't ask her questions, anything she asks of you reply, lovely/ok/good thanks. Don't give her anything to complain about.

My mum says that he (my dad) doesn't blame me and is just shocked as he thought we'd all had a nice time together at the weekend. He sent the same message to my sister apparently. I probably was a bit quick to use the block button but I've now unblocked him and calmed down. I think there's not much point in replying to his message though.

Your father appears to be swimming deep in de Nile. Anything for a quiet life, huh? I do get that it's hard and frustrating for your parents. But they do have to respect your right to protect yourself and your family, and to set boundaries and not to tolerate her abuse.

I know. My mum says they want to support us both and it's a difficult line to walk. I do understand they want to be there for her as she gets very low at times and I guess is having some additional health problems atm too. As long as they let me get on with things my own way that's fine I guess.

I see you probably meant Christmas dinner. I'm not sure if that is possible given her behaviour. The way forward with this is not to be stuck in one place with her. You can try, obviously but if you are sitting around a table with her, there's no escape. The idea is not to get in any situation where you can't mingle or leave easily. If you two get into an argument at the dinner table it's just going to spoil things for everyone else.

Maybe have Christmas dinner with your fiance and then go over for drinks or nibbles later in the evening.

I don't know if your sister is as bad as my mum but I made the mistake of getting stuck on a boat with her. I'm sitting there with my family and their partners and my mum hands around a card of a grossly obese woman holding melons. 'Who does this remind you off?' She says loudly handing it around. Of course, it was meant to be me. I used to have an eating disorder and have put on weight since so she was having a cheap shot at my expense. I couldn't leave because I'm on a boat...won't make that mistake again.