How do you deal with being angry towards your husband / SO

[momofpickle]

Hi ladies. The title says it all really.

I’m angry towards my husband again today and it’s a recurring theme. It’s mainly because he spends all day playing rugby and I feel that he puts it ahead of quality family time and jobs that need to be done around the house.

I know he loves me deep down and he’s a great, supportive guy in lots of ways. We share a lot of parenting duties. But he has a stressful job as a director while I freelance from home 3.5 days a week. He’s always leaving early and coming home late, stressed about work and having nights away on training courses or meetings. Constantly preoccupied.

He says rugby is the only thing which keeps him sane but I feel like all he cares about is work or rugby! Week nights (when he’s not at practice) we watch tv and he’s on his laptop planning the team. He’s the coach and the captain- as if he has time for that!!!

I feel resentful that I’m on our own with our son every Saturday. He makes up for it on Sundays by doing the cooking but we’re always arguing over who gets up to give our son breakfast etc. He never takes it upon himself to fix anything around the house or get the vacuum out. He mows the lawn because I have a bad hip.

It sent me over the edge this weekend because he had a stomach bug Friday night and was up all night and still chose to travel 2 hours to play rugby then he stayed out drinking and came home having lost his voice and reeking of booze. Now he’s lying on the sofa and I have no sympathy, I’m just in a rage that he put rugby before his health and I’m being denied my time to myself while he had 12 hours of fun yesterday.

I can’t even talk to him about it because he makes me feel unreasonable. I’m not happy about how angry I am about it and can’t communicate about it without getting upset!

I don’t want to leave my 4yo with him to just watch tv all day because he’s too hungover to do anything with him.

Most weeks I accept that he needs rugby as an outlet but weeks like this I feel like it means my own needs are prevented from being met.

Sorry about the long rant, really needed to let it out. What do you do when you’re angry at your husband?

No wonder you're angry at him, me too and I don't even know him!
Do you feel it's ultimatum time? What happens out with rugby season?!

Ugh to be honest, out of rugby season he often hangs around the house at a loose end and goes to the gym. I don’t mind him going to the gym, but I wish he shared my interest to do the house up / plan fun things with our son. I mean, he does occasionally, but it’s so obvious he loves rugby more than anything else. I’m sick of hearing about it! I love him and it pains me to write this. Maybe I’m being unreasonable? I just don’t get how other rugby widows put up with it!

Good relationships are about compromise and communication. A compromise could be that he hands over the leadership and planning role to others and just plays rugby. However, you get equal time to do something you enjoy as well.

Nights in may have to be more planned than lounging around watching TV. Cinema, theatre, dinner etc Housework rota divided between all family members according to time and rota for who drives who where. Perhaps Relate in order to discuss.

Compromise and communication sound key here. If he won’t do both then you may have some difficult choices to make.

I’ve told him hundreds of times I’m not happy about how much time he spends at rugby. To be fair I’ve never asked him to hand in the captaincy but I might. He gets paid £200 a month for it 🙄 but I don’t want money instead of him! It would be bliss not to have to hear about the bloody team sheet. They’re also in this vile WhatsApp group where they send offensive images and videos to each other. He assures me he just receives them but still

I feel the same about his money from his job sometimes... I just feel like - ok so I get woken up early by his alarm every day, and he comes home late, and I have to go to bed at 9pm to try and get enough rest, and he plays rugby and I manage the house and our Ds school etc... so what I just spend money and buy stuff to make up for it?! It’s shit

That sounds bad because there are loads of people struggling for money but you hopefully get the drift

Do you both not plan a nice family day out on sundays ?

I go to Pilates on Sunday morning (when I’m not too knackered - a whole 2 hours of me time!) then more often then not he just watches tv because he’s tired from rugby. Usually if we have plans or go out it’s because I’ve arranged it, sometimes him but usually me. Or I end up nagging him to help me with a house or garden job- just wish he’d pay attention to what needs doing instead of just me!! The lightbulb in the hall has needed changing for weeks for example, (I’m too short to reach it even on the step stool)

If people think I need to have a conversation with him, any ideas on how to start it and what to say so it doesn’t turn into an argument?

What do you do together?

Honestly? when I'm angry with my dh, I shout at him. If we don't have a blazing row about it, he will assume it's fine.

Tbh we normally do have a row, but I end up crying instead of feeling like I love successfully got my point across 😢 Think a calm and serious discussion is needed

*i have

It sounds like you’re carrying the whole mental load for the family.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I am struggling with this a lot myself and wondering if there is any way to really make him see that he is being unreasonable.
Logically I think you could start from the position of ‘how do we ensure both of us have equal free time’. In reality this means that he has to fully understand all the work that goes into running a house properly. Men like this are often oblivious to what needs to be done or are actively hostile and will minimise/deny all the tasks. Very hard if it’s the latter.

Selfish git.

You meed to talk about money and his job. If he loves the rugby so much (and it pays a little), a solution for your family in theory might be for him to drop back to 4 days a week so you have 'a weekend' day on say Friday and he does some active parenting and you do your pilates and you both do household stuff, giving you Sunday together. Basically he is only available to you and your son for a few hours a week and that is absurd. He would hopefully agree that people working a double shift in order to pay the rent are in a horrible situation - nut he's putting himself in the same situation, claiming that unless he puts in 70+ hours a week he can't manage. BUT HE HAS A CHOICE. You are entitled to ask him why he is choosing a lifestyle out of a Ken Loach film.

And choosing to inflict the consequences on his family, I might add.

He’s a director in a medium sized company so going to 4 weeks won’t be possible. His job pays good money but sometimes I do wish he hadn’t taken it! It’s 1.5 hours drive away and that takes a toll on us all, even though he gets wfh 2 days a week.

How do I approach this as a serious conversation which is likely to get a positive outcome?

I didn't expect it would be possible, but it might be a way to get him to think about the situation!? I don't think I have very much experience of these sorts of conversations as my oh is quite good at listening and negotiating luckily. Maybe approach it from how your ds is missing out on dad time, as well as the impact on you of course ?

I do wish you luck though, something really needs to change

What outcome do you want before I plan my how to discuss this reply? X

He doesn’t hear you. You are not his priority.

You need to not REACT to all of it everyday as he just sees the nagging, crying and emotion as background white noise.

You need a new dynamic and communication. I would take him out somewhere quiet and at a time when you both aren’t distracted or tired. I would not have had a negative conversation with him for the previous week so that he comes out of his hole. I would ask him what are his marriage a family life goals. Assuming that they are to be in a happy productive partnership, with your DS as the priority in a calm and peaceful home - I would then calmly point out that this is not what he has and that this will erode further and he is likely to be divorced or in an even more miserable / bleak marriage than he is now and his DS will suffer.

Life changes with DCs and he needs to accept that and make some adaptations.

If there is money - spend it on a cleaner and a gardener. Take the sting and drudge out of domestic life. Ask him to prioritise family time - and that each week you alternate who cooks and who organises the fun activity with your DS. He needs to drop the team management and you both need to have equal leisure time - but not at the expense of family time.

How is is drinking - how much does this impact on his mood the next day? Does this need to change?

If he WFH 2 days a week - can you have a lunch break together - get out of the house - go for a walk, coffee?

These are good tips, thank you.

At this point I should add that he is normally at rugby only 5 hours at the weekend plus evening training on Tuesdays and that’s fair to me. I go to art course on Monday and Pilates on Sunday. I changed my life around and went freelance so I could do that course and free up more time for me. Sometimes we do work together from the gym or go for lunch / coffee and I love that. He is a loving and reasonable man (usually) he doesn’t get drunk like that every weekend, which is why I say I can usually accept it as his outlet, it’s just that I feel we still haven’t cracked it on Sundays and they’re a point of tension in our house. I think I need to explain to him that each weekend we each need me time, family time / fun with ds and household jobs need to be done too!

We are halfway through redecorating the house after moving in 2 years ago and I need to finish it and move on! It’s the family time and household jobs that need highlighting to him as priorities and not just that - that he needs to motivate himself and take a lead on jobs without me being the one telling him! I hate telling him but it drives me up the wall when things aren’t done and he’s watching sport on tv.

We even already have a cleaner and I think this maybe contributes to his attitude of - ‘it’s all taken care of I can just sit on the sofa now’. I have suggested a gardener - just to tidy up the garden for winter - and he said no as if it’s a matter of pride for him. But we’ve missed the last green bin collection now because he was to hungover to mow and rake up leaves yesterday. I tidied up and mulched the flowers but my hip stops me pushing the mower around.

I have a list of jobs to do around the house I keep in google docs - my ideal would be that this is shared and he just does the jobs and deletes them from the list - so I don’t even have to remind him! Does this sound fair or unreasonable as an idea? I fear it’s exactly the sort of thing he will roll his eyes at. He loves to tell me that I’m inventing deadlines and pressure that doesn’t exist but I just want things done and dusted so we can enjoy the house. We’ve both agreed to redecorate so can we flipping do it! And change lightbulbs within a reasonable time frame!

Let me know what you think about the google doc idea