Can anyone help?

[Vella]

Hello, I’m looking for some advice please. I don’t know if my marriage is over or if I’m at fault and need to change or if there’s still hope - I love my husband and don’t want to separate but I’m afraid we’ve reached the end of the line.

We’ve been together for 15 years and married for ten, two kids primary school aged and both work full time (have a cleaner who helps out so that side isn’t an issue). There are two major issues causing tension that means he’s permanently grumpy and I’m permanently in tears. It’s not a good atmosphere for anyone at home and we are talking separation.

Basically my husband is a live in the moment person. He is useless at any kind of planning or organisation which means all the family admin (school, birthdays, holidays, finances, shopping, childcare organising, cooking etc) is on me. When I ask him to do extra (he sorts the car) he says I nag and he doesn’t have time with work etc. I on the other hand am permanently knackered with work and home stuff. He says I’m controlling when I ask what time he’ll be home/if he’s going to sport after work etc (and said I lived like a parasite on his life). He also says I get cross too quickly (which is true) and that I’m not spontaneous enough, am a killjoy etc. I on the other hand need to know if I need to collect the kids and leave work or if he can do it.

The second issue is that over the past few years he’s become a bit obsessed with food and nutrition and a healthier way of living. He’s made me buy all organic produce, he tries to eat raw, gluten free, dairy free, only vegetables, fruit and nuts etc and gets annoyed when I serve anything else for the kids or for family meals (but doesn’t cook himself). He also doesn’t see the problem in sending the kids to school without breakfast (I prefer them to eat something before they go). I’ve tried to accommodate his dietary requirements as far as I can but I’m not willing to stop eating yoghurt etc because actually I quite like it and don’t eat it particularly often anyway. I've changed all shampoo, soap etc to reduce the chemicals he no longer wants in the house but some things (like washing powder- I do the washing), I'm reluctant to change because of the extra hassle of stain removal etc. Sorry - it all sounds very dull.

He thinks we are fundamentally incompatible, but doesn’t want to move out or separate from what I gather (although talks about it all the time). There’s no intimacy left at all. He’s very critical of what I perceive to be efforts to compromise on my side. So as not to drip feed, we live abroad (his country, I met him here but am pretty well integrated) and separation would be hard with the kids. Plus I still love him and wish he would show me some love (a hug, kiss even). I really, really don’t know what to do and would love some advice if anyone has any. Thanks

It sounds as though you live and breathe to serve his needs. You live like a 'parasite'? Has he just graduated from charm school? What way is that to talk to your partner and the mother of your children? He's shameless.

He doesn't have any respect for you and he is walking all over you. It sounds as though your self esteem is very low because when he says jump, you squeak 'how high darling'?

You need to love yourself more. You need to get some advice on getting out of this demeaning relationship and move on with your life.

And I'd love to know how he'd get on without you to be honest...

I'm sorry you are hurting. But he is treating family life like single life while you're doing all the grunt work xx

Oh lovely this is so sad to read. You think by doing everything he wants he should by rights love you & appreciate you, that that’s how it should work but it doesn’t.

He’s an utter twat who doesn’t deserve you but I know that doesn’t help

I think you have to face the reality that he probably doesn’t love you & you need to think and you and the DC and what you will do xxxx

Hugs to you ((((())))

Unfortunately, it’s difficult to be a ‘live in the moment person’ when you have children. If you are both working full time, why isn’t he doing 50% of the cooking, housework etc? Is he a bit chauvinistic? I think if he has a problem with the food you are providing, then he can make his own? Why pander to it? Are you frightened of the consequences of you declaring that ‘enough is enough?’
Only you know what you can or should tolerate from a marriage. Would he be open to counselling? An impartial viewpoint?
Personally speaking, I would be losing my temper quite frequently! I work full time, as does my dh, but we both pull our weight at home. He will never be sitting around watching tv if I’m cooking/tidying up. He will help me or I will help him.

Thank you all. Definitely food for thought. He's good with the kids (but gets cross by them easily). He's said he'll leave next weekend. It's so upsetting that things have come to this and I keep hoping it's all a bad dream. Thanks for taking the time to post.

How is he good with the kids if he won't take responsibility with you for pick ups, cooking for them, organising things for them etc not to mention calling their Mum names.

He sounds like a complete dick tbh.

He will take responsibility if I ask him to collect them from the childminders etc. He takes them to the park at the weekend. He will take them to places at the weekend but doesn't do any of the washing/cooking/birthday party/drs appts etc unless i organize it first. He's not a horrible man! But I will concede he's lazy and a rubbish communicator.

He makes you the default parent permanently, resents you even asking his plans - that isn't a good "Dad" more of a Disney Dad"

You live like a 'parasite

That's one hard-working parasite.

He sounds like a royal pain in the arse on pretty much every front.

He's actually abusive really.

How would things be worse for the kids if they live with one constantly grumpy, moody bastard and a (naturally) upset and stressed woman walking on egg shells and pandering to him.

Sounds like they'd be more relaxed on both fronts if they only had to see him part-time.

He's not a horrible man!

I know it's really hard to encapsulate someone in a couple of short MN posts, bit honestly he dies sound horrible.

He sounds like he thinks he's got you trapped in his home country and with two kids so he can treat you and speak to you any way you like. I mean the parasite comment - when you work full time too and do everything with /for the kids.

The food thing : it's his choice to eat a certain way,bits not anyone else's, he's giving you lots of extra work if you can't cook the same or roughly the same thing for everyone, he should cook for himself. We are you doing all the cooking (and everything else) anyway when you both work ft.

*why are you doing

Same with the washing - if you find that the alternative washing powder/stuff dies not work well enough for you and the kids clothes and don't want to use it - then why can't he do his own washes with the product of his choice. Just keep his laundry separate and he can do it (or if you can be arsed, you can but tbh it sounds like you do more than enough).

Is it a country with very traditional roles where women do everything at home.

Funny how they stick to that even when the woman's no longer a house wife and is out ft and bringing in money, eh.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I know it's not a physically abusive relationship but this book holds true for a lot of the non physical stuff too.

I think you'll find your life a lot easier once he's gone. It sounds like he makes you miserable and is quite selfish and self centred. I know it may seem like the end of the world and heartbreaking right now, but I think this might be the beginning of a new and happier life for you and the DCs.

By "he's not a horrible man" you mean he doesn't hit you or the kids, yeah ?

There are other ways to be a terrible partner and father and he fulfils them big-style

He is a horrible, abusive man. Is he actually sending the children to school hungry? That is neglect. Hunger will negatively affect a child’s academic performance, behavior, and emotional well-being.

What sort of upbringing do you think you're giving the kids if he's permanently angry and you're constantly in tears?

Is this the way you'd like your dc to live in their own relationships in the future?

OP I’m sorry but the harsh reality is that he probably doesn’t love you.

What is it that you love about him, because I wonder if it isn’t just the habit, the predictable familiarity that you are used to, the safety of knowing another adult human being is around in case you need him, rather than love, the worry about ‘having’ to find another guy when you could just keep this one, his faults aren’t that bad... etc.

What does he bring to the relationship? I don’t get the feeling he brings very much at all.

He may be correct that you are now incompatible. He doesn’t realise that you need to make sure things happen in the children’s lives, school, homework, clubs etc as these won’t organise themselves!

Spontaneous things can still happen now but to a lesser degree, after all you can’t just go out for drinks together one night when you have sleeping children there!

He is deluded if he thinks you can. He has no respect for your opinion. I wonder if he sees you like the cleaner, someone who is there to deal with the house and kids but not someone who should in any way dictate his own life or spoil it for him (eg telling him he can’t just do whatever whenever he wants, constraining him)? I’d it a country where males are dominant over females, who are really just expected to do wife work?
How do you want your children to see the times of men and women in relationships? Is your relationship something you’d want them emulating? Time to really think what you want. You may find it’s not him after all and being with the children is actually all you need to be happy.

Thank you all. Am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the replies (I thought everything was my fault and have been desperately trying to hold it all together). I'll reply more tomorrow once I've had time to reflect a bit, sorry. For those who asked about the culture, no it's not particularly male-dominated but it's definitely chauvinistic compared to the Uk (France, a major but not capital city). Thank you again for taking the time.

Does he earn more than you, and have you ever been a SAHM? Some men feel that women are living off them if they even earn one penny more and that therefore the woman should do everything else to 'make up' for it.

He does not sound nice. Splitting up may actually be better for you all in the long run.

He also doesn’t see the problem in sending the kids to school without breakfast (I prefer them to eat something before they go).

I didn't even mention that in my post - that's ridiculous. How much more basic can you get than giving your primary age kids sone cereal/toast/pancake/whatever, anything in the morning. Even the most disorganized of us (me) will shove a banana or a cereal bar or something at them.

They need something in their stomachs to get them through til lunch, it's actually neglect.

I don't know what kind of person would think that's ok. He sounds so irresponsible and selfish.

I thought everything was my fault and have been desperately trying to hold it all together

Which is another reason I think he's an abuser. He's unreasonable, selfish, lazy, a pretty useless parent, moody etc - he had you pandering to him, and he's got you thinking it's your fault.

Please read that Lundy Bancroft book - I think you'll recognise a lot in it,even though he's not a physical abuser.

France, a major but not capital city)

I had the impression there's still quite a bit if chauvinism in France (?)

All I can think about is Private Benjamin and the French man in that .