Hello, I’m looking for some advice please. I don’t know if my marriage is over or if I’m at fault and need to change or if there’s still hope - I love my husband and don’t want to separate but I’m afraid we’ve reached the end of the line.
We’ve been together for 15 years and married for ten, two kids primary school aged and both work full time (have a cleaner who helps out so that side isn’t an issue). There are two major issues causing tension that means he’s permanently grumpy and I’m permanently in tears. It’s not a good atmosphere for anyone at home and we are talking separation.
Basically my husband is a live in the moment person. He is useless at any kind of planning or organisation which means all the family admin (school, birthdays, holidays, finances, shopping, childcare organising, cooking etc) is on me. When I ask him to do extra (he sorts the car) he says I nag and he doesn’t have time with work etc. I on the other hand am permanently knackered with work and home stuff. He says I’m controlling when I ask what time he’ll be home/if he’s going to sport after work etc (and said I lived like a parasite on his life). He also says I get cross too quickly (which is true) and that I’m not spontaneous enough, am a killjoy etc. I on the other hand need to know if I need to collect the kids and leave work or if he can do it.
The second issue is that over the past few years he’s become a bit obsessed with food and nutrition and a healthier way of living. He’s made me buy all organic produce, he tries to eat raw, gluten free, dairy free, only vegetables, fruit and nuts etc and gets annoyed when I serve anything else for the kids or for family meals (but doesn’t cook himself). He also doesn’t see the problem in sending the kids to school without breakfast (I prefer them to eat something before they go). I’ve tried to accommodate his dietary requirements as far as I can but I’m not willing to stop eating yoghurt etc because actually I quite like it and don’t eat it particularly often anyway. I've changed all shampoo, soap etc to reduce the chemicals he no longer wants in the house but some things (like washing powder- I do the washing), I'm reluctant to change because of the extra hassle of stain removal etc. Sorry - it all sounds very dull.
He thinks we are fundamentally incompatible, but doesn’t want to move out or separate from what I gather (although talks about it all the time). There’s no intimacy left at all. He’s very critical of what I perceive to be efforts to compromise on my side. So as not to drip feed, we live abroad (his country, I met him here but am pretty well integrated) and separation would be hard with the kids. Plus I still love him and wish he would show me some love (a hug, kiss even). I really, really don’t know what to do and would love some advice if anyone has any. Thanks